The Choice Method – One Secret on Making Child Rearing That Much Easier
Yes, I’m an author of fiction books, so you may be thinking that I have no education or “right” to give advice on raising a child. You may be correct, but in the fourteen years of parenting, I’ve implemented one important trick that helps the process of parenting go a lot easier.
I’m a father of three children. Two of my children are teenagers, a 14 year old boy and a 12 year old girl — I put “12 year old” as a teenager, because the drastic change from an 11 year old to a 12 year old is giant, at least with my kids — and my other child is a 2 year old girl. The 2 year old is going to sit front seat in this article. She is who I’m going to use for the examples of the secret — or not so secret — method that you’re about to read. It’s a method that works especially well for children who are in their “terrible 2′s” and “terrible 3′s” phase in life.
It’s called the “Choice Method“.
I don’t know if I just made the title of that method up or if the title was handed down to me by my peers, but what I do know is that it works, and works very well. It was taught to me by an 80 year old woman many years ago and then, several years after that, by a counselor and friend.
When I was first taught the “Choice Method” I was in my teens, never imagining in my wildest dreams that I would have three children, let alone even one.
The Choice Method isn’t full proof, because nothing in life is. I would say it works 80 percent of the time, which, for parents with children in the terrible 2′s and 3′s stage, is wonderful, as it reduces their daily stress and alleviates most of their worries when asking the child to do something. The other 20 percent of the time it doesn’t work simply because the child is in a state of tantrum or they have been given the same choices over and over again, starting to become bored from the monotony of it all. This is why, after you learn the method, you need to vary it.
The Choice Method is simple and straight forward. It is exactly what it says it is — a choice. What I’ve learned with children is that when they’re in their developmental years (the thinking stage and the self awareness and imagination stage), 18 months to 7 years old, they are learning all about choices. And, the great thing is, they respect you for giving them personal choices (children are much, much smarter than we think they are). Being given a choice appeals more to the child than does being ordered to do something. It “feels” better to them, which is their main gauge of what’s safe and what’s not. They don’t like it when something doesn’t feel safe.
A choice puts the child — your child — way above the “being talked down to” phenomena that parents unconsciously do, which is an entirely different article to write and read about.
So, keep in mind, that choices are who we are, steering our life to go here, there, or to stay put, and are the building blocks of our future. A choice is one of the most important skills that a child develops, so it is important for them to experience a healthy range of choices, thus giving them the understanding of what a choice really is. A choice lowers a child’s defenses, thus giving them less of a need to rebel against your suggestions.
Here is how the Choice Method works:
If a parent asks a child to drink water and they refuse, but the parent knows that their child hasn’t had a drink of water all day long, then making them drink the water, either by trying to force it down the child’s throat (never a good idea) or pounding it in the child’s head how important water is and that they better drink it, because “I said so”, will cause a stressful, negative reaction in the child. The child feels bullied and emotionally beat up. Now, I’m not saying that you raise your child or children that way, but if it sounds familiar, then here is an alternative approach: Before or after a child refuses a cup of water, simply show that child two cups, asking, “Do you want to drink out of this blue cup or this pink cup?” In more times than not, they’ll point to the cup they prefer and then drink from it. This is the Choice Method.
An example of this occurred with me and my 2 year old this morning, though it wasn’t with water. I put her bowl of breakfast on the table, placed a spoon in it and said, “Here you go, Lily. Let’s eat our breakfast!” and, by golly, she refused. Who would refuse such a beautiful organic bowl of my special fruit smoothie, especially since I was so cheerful about giving it to her? Nonetheless, forcing it down her throat wasn’t the answer, but I knew she was hungry because she wanted something else to eat. Something not as healthy for her and something that isn’t for breakfast. I, instead, went to the silverware drawer and grabbed another spoon. Coming back to the table, I grabbed the spoon that was sitting in her smoothie bowl and held both spoons up, asking, “Which spoon do you want to eat your smoothie with?” She pointed to the “Blue’s Clues” spoon — the original spoon that was in the bowl — and chowed down like only a 2 year old can. Well, she only took eight bites. (I count. I know, I’m crazy like that.)
The Choice Method can be used in any situation (I’m sorry for sounding like a commercial or an infomercial). For instance, Lily doesn’t like to put her clothes on before we go outside, and, of course, it’s cold out and I don’t think too many people would like to see a naked child running down the sidewalks of Portland.
What I do, instead of fighting with her about putting her clothes on, is show her two pairs of pants, saying, “Which one, Lily-bug?” She points to one of them, “I want dat one, daddy.” I’ll then show her two shirts and she’ll again point, “dis one, papa.” We then, calmly and enjoyably, put them on. Socks are next, then a coat. All of this goes smoothly, because it was her choice and I wasn’t forcing anything on her.
Now, here is where it doesn’t work.
Every night I’m in charge of putting Lily down for nighty-night. It’s not an easy task, so I sometimes get lazy and have my partner do it for me. Nonetheless, I have that task assigned to me. Most of the time, like most children, Lily doesn’t like to go to sleep. She will do everything possible to convince me and her mommy that she should stay up and look through books, play with her Lincoln Logs, put puzzles together (she makes me put them together while she watches), or snatch the hamsters out of their cages.
For a while, I did the Choice Method and gave her a choice. I would show Lily two books and say, “Which book do you want to read before you go to sleep?” She would point to a book, “Dat one, daddy,” and we’d proceed to her bed and read her book. After I was done, we’d turn off the light, and she’d roll over and go to sleep.
In the beginning, this nighty-night strategy worked like a charm. But, here is where the Choice Method can veer off course and become stale, monotonous, over-used, unimaginative, and, well, you-name-it.
After months of this working, the nighty-night routine suddenly took a turn. It changed from her choosing one book, to both books. That was fine. I’d just read two books, but what I didn’t know was that I was playing right into Lily’s little hands. Two books turned into three, three into four, and so on and so forth.
So, what to do? I started giving different “choices”. I started bringing variety and imagination to the routine. Instead of reading her books every night, we did a puzzle on her bed or played a game of Lincoln Logs, with the promise to go to sleep once we were done.
If you continue to give the child the same choices over and over again, the child eventually finds them tedious and flat out boring. They’ll want more, they’ll want a change. That’s why it’s so important to change it up every so often when using the Choice Method. You and your child/children will be better for it.
The Choice Method, like I said, works 80 percent of the time. And, although that 80 percent is great, I’m still trying to figure out how to make it 100%. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Nonetheless, I’ll keep calm and carry on.
If any of you have any suggestions or can bring more to the Choice Method topic, then please post them in the comments section below. There isn’t much in life that can beat a community of advice from parents, because we’ve gone through the parenting ringer more times than not, bringing a wide variety of experiences and lessons to our parenting tool box. We can teach each other what we’ve learned along the way, making the world of parenting a much better place.
Thank you for reading.
- Brandon Ellis, Author of:
The PureLights Series (An Award Winning Action/Adventure Fantasy Series for the 8-14 year old age group, and adults alike)
Star Guild Saga (A Science Fiction Series for all ages)
