2014 Resolutions

I admit it: I fucking love resolutions. Here’s my list for 2014.

1. Make my house prettier. I did a frame cluster that I’ve been meaning to do for YEARS and I smile every time I look at it.

 

2. Run more. I feel way closer to sane when I run. I’m not saying I feel sane, just closer to sane. That was a popular 90s song, FYI. Theme song to Party of Five. Don’t talk to me if you don’t know what Party of Five is. Fine, I only watched one episode ever, because someone told me Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs were mesmerizing.  They were, but not enough to watch Party of Five for a long time, so you can talk to me. 

3. Read better books. Yo, I read a LOT of crap last year. I need to stop going for the quick-fix and go for the thinky and witty stuff. Yes, thinky. Am genius. Shut up.

4. Write two more books. Hope they are both awesomely fantastically good.

5. Sell a shit ton of my books.

6. Document more outfits. I dress way cuter when you all are looking at me. Like so:

Definitely my favorite of 2013.

7. Learn to take photos. For serious. It is about time.

7a.

This is my most recent photographic masterpiece:

8. Learn to not give a fuck what people think and live the biggest life I can. I’m already on a pretty good road for that, as 2013 kicked my ass into gear for this.

8a. Let go of the assholes. As Dr. Brene Brown says, I don’t need to have jerks like me. I’m not an asshole whisperer.

9. Eat less cheese. For serious. It is about time.

10. Just kidding on 9. I make that resolution every year and I ring in the New Year every year with a big hunk of triple cream. Ain’t never gonna happen, but I need to put one improbability in there, right?

11. Laugh more. Make lots and lots of jokes in order to accommodate this.

11a. Learn how to spell “accommodate” on the first try. Check! One resolution down, motherfuckers!

12. Swear a lot. Like, a lot. (This is in here to make me feel successful in case none of the others come to fruition. Motherfucker.)

12a. Except when working with children, which I do sometimes. Not then. I hope. (Motherfucker.)

12b. Start a swear jar for the motherfucking children who swear too much.

13. Do motherfucking good things for people who need it when I can.

13a. Perhaps by donating motherfucking swear jar proceeds to the needy.

14. Remember to be grateful for all of you and my motherfucking life as much as possible.

I think you should all do these resolutions with me. Not your resolutions, mine. Because mine are better than yours. What? You don’t agree? You’re an ASSHOLE. I’M NOT AN ASSHOLE WHISPERER.

Already off to a motherfucking great start.