It's JUAN-UARY, Betch! [The Pre-Season Prediction Edition]

We are a mere 3 days from the new season of The Bachelor !



Which means…we are a mere 3 days away from going on a journey. 

A journey of hot tubs wishes and champagne dreams… A journey of roses, limos, and tears... A journey of perfectly styled date outfits and serenades from just-signed bands singing second-rate songs...

It is a journey, my friends. A journey that you and I will take together, with the power of the internet and my ridiculously long and not-totally-accurate episode recaps.

After taking last season off due to The Bachelorette: Des Was Poor being incredibly insufferable, I'm actually pretty damn excited to start blog recaps of The Bachelor again.

Mostly because this season's Bachelor?

Is Juan Pablo.

Juaaaaan Paaaablooooo.

Professional soccer player from South America.

Whose publicly-proclaimed likes include "good-sized breasts women" and dislikes include "reading."

Basically, he's the only good thing to come out of Des' season, and I was rooting for him to be the next Bachelor from the beginning, so this season is mostly just a sign from the Gods that they hear my prayers.

Or that the Bachelor producers finally started reading the copious amounts of harassing tweets and Pulitizer-Prize-worthy recaps that I've been sending them. (and if so…welcome. Welcome to your new home, friends. You are loved here.)

Check out this Lifetime-Movie-esque copy telling us all about Juan Pablo:

Born in Ithaca, New York and raised in Barquisimeto, Venezuela, Juan Pablo is truly a citizen of the world. Growing up in Venezuela, he developed his passion for soccer and set his sights on one day playing professionally. Juan Pablo decided to return to his native United States to attend college and to keep pursuing playing soccer. Upon graduation, Juan Pablo fulfilled a life-long dream and became a professional soccer player in both Venezuela and America. While playing for Miami FC, Juan Pablo received some life changing news when he learned that his girlfriend, Carla, was pregnant. Refusing to be an absentee father, Juan Pablo put his dream of soccer aside to focus on a more important goal, raising his daughter. Born on Valentine’s Day in 2009, Camila Valentina Galavis will always and forever be Juan Pablo’s Valentine.  Juan Pablo took his responsibility as a new father seriously and began a new career in sports and entertainment consulting. Despite the success at his new career, Juan Pablo and Carla came to a realization that after two years, sadly, they were not meant to stay together. Ever since, Juan Pablo’s been looking for love. It hasn’t been easy for him as a single father trying to date but that is why he signed up for “The Bachelorette.” Now, he is confident that he will find his soul mate and a lasting, love-filled relationship on “The Bachelor.”
"Camila Valentina Galavis will always and forever be Juan Pablo's Valentine."

That's great. That's really, really great stuff. I don't know any woman who wouldn't breath a sigh of grateful relief that Valentine's Day can now finally be all about someone else - especially a stepdaughter, whom everyone knows offers no competition for attention or affection! -  instead of her.

I kind of want to write a Lifetime Movie now, based on this and all the movies out there about stepmothers trying to kill their stepkids so she can have their dads all to themselves.

Anyway! According to the producers, this is THE MOST DIDN'T-SEE-IT-COMING-SEASON YET!
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(I don't believe them, by the way. Wanna know why? Because Elan is a producer, and while I love him, HE HAS TRICKED US BEFORE. You broke my trust with that little stunt, Elan. YOU BROKE MY TRUST. And my heart, but we can tweet about that later, kay?)

By looking at this calendar,



...you may have noticed that The Bachelor is on twice a week. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to recap each episode, or just do one big blog recap a week, though. Some recaps take all day to write, and I don't know how I'm going to squeeze two recaps into my incredibly glamorous and fast-paced life. Plus, there's a part of me that just knows that the "Sunday" episodes are just going to be filler, like the way they try to draw everything out toward the end of the season with 20-minute recaps of the Bachelor's "individual journey" with every girl. I *am* kind of psyched for the Bachelor Love Stories, and I'm really, really jazzed about Sean & Catherine's Wedding. I freaking adore those two, and I'm actually genuinely happy that they've made it to the wedding day. And I gotta say…even though I love/hate this show so much, I'll hand it to the producers - with the exception of Des and Ben, they've really done a rad job in recent years of finding people who are extremely likable (Jason & Molly, Emily, Sean & Catherine, and now Juan Pablo).

To get in fighting shape for this season, though, I've given my Friday morning over to checking out all the girls and giving you my predictions of who I will love and loathe, sight unseen. I'm going with first instinct this time, because before Sean's season I read Lesley M's and Catherine's bios and knew instantly that I would probably like them, and read AshLee's bio and felt instantly that I probably would loathe her. But I was like, "Nooo, Amber! Don't judge them until you've seen them in action! Withhold favor, benevolent one. Let them prove themselves to you, first." But then I ended up being right. So I'm just going to go with it.

First up, before anyone else, is Alexis.


Ugh. I already know she's going to bug me - you don't put that your favorite book is "The Bible" if you have a winning personality (and I ain't go nothin' against the Good Lord's Book, but COME ON. I will go on record right now, right here, and say that I've even read the entire Bible (back in my Bible Camp days, we all did this book club where we read a portion a day from a Bible that was specifically designed and divided to help you read the entire Bible in 365 days) and I gotta say: God isn't exactly winning any prizes for his fast-paced, action-packed, excitement-galore writing skills, okay? We're all good at different things. God is good at creating stuff and raising a kickass son, so he doesn't really have to be good at being a best-selling author. Besides, have you even READ any other books, Alexis?!). She is originally from Cuba, though, so I suspect that she'll have a connection with Juan Pablo because of that.

Also, just from the first two Bachelorettes - including Alexis - I've noticed that either their bio facts or their questionnaire answers mention that they're Catholic. Hmmm…I wonder if that's going to be something that Juan Pablo talks about as a requirement later on…

There's something about Amy L. that makes me think that she'll maybe last a while.

Nope. No way.

Look at what she's wearing! Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss, for god's sake. If this were online dating, I would assume from reading her questionnaire answers that she was one of those mock profiles that Match.com makes up to collect data:

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?My soulmate, a machine that turns salt water into drinking water, and an unlimited amount of flint. All I would need...my love, water, and the ability to make fire to cook.
What is your favorite holiday and why?Thanksgiving, I love Fall and it just kicks off the holiday season! Plus, I really enjoy a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks! Sweater dresses, scarves, leggings, boots... Fall fashion!!
Do you enjoy camping?Depends on the definition of camping. Yes, I can camp 2-4 days max! That's why girls have dry shampoo!
Do you like to dress up or do you prefer casual attire as a rule?Oscar Wilde puts this perfectly: "You can never be overdressed or overeducated." So, I like to dress up, especially for my man, but don't get me wrong, I can rock a pair of jeans and a t-shirt like a pro!
I love it when my date:Makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world and no one else has ever made him feel the way I make him feel.

Am I right? It's as if someone went, "Hmm, what would I write if I were the perfect marriageable girl? I know! *types on keyboard* Something about cooking…something about Pumpkin Spice Lattes….something about how I can be a sport about guys-guy stuff like camping…and something about how I love to dress up but can also dress down. Perfect!"

Poor Cassandra. You played right into the producer's hands…if you make it anywhere past the first episode, you can pretty much guarantee that the producers are going to send you out on the roof of some skyscraper and make you rapell down or something in their classic ploy to make you "face your fears" and thus create a superficial bond with Juan Pablo. It's practically basic Bachelor science at this point.



Also, my favorite part of her questionnaire:

I love it when my date:Holds my hand
I hate it when my date:Doesn't hold my hand

So holding hands, then? Pretty big deal to you? Cool.

I like Chelsie.


Christy seems like she's either going to be super fun or start most of the drama (or, hopefully, both):

Meet the new AshLee!

What is the best trip you have ever been on and why?I have never taken a vacation. I've always worked my buns off and never made time.  Plus, I was never in a relationship that I could go on a vacation with.
Do you consider yourself a romantic if so why?I've never been one to be romantic.  It's hard for me because I've never experienced romance.  I wish I was.

The children are our future and her favorite book is The Secret. The End.

There's just something I like about Lauren and Renee. Can't tell what it is, yet, though.


Really? Your occupation is "Free Spirit"?! BARF.

Also, nice name-drop on the Kate Upton thing:

Who do you admire most in the world and why?I admire my best friend Kate Upton for her thick skin, my mother for her patience with me, and Steve Jobs for always believing in himself.
Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?I like to be the center of attention because I think I deserve to be. I have a commanding presence. I am charming, charismatic and entertaining.
If you could be anyone else for a day, who would it be and why?Why would I ever want to be anyone but myself?
What's the most outrageous thing you've ever done?Once I organized a 50-person, fully nude dance party on a beach in Mexico.
What do you hope to get out of participating in this television show?A husband, a daughter, new friends, amazing experiences, a better understanding of myself and a new exciting chapter in my life.

I AM GOING TO HATE THIS GIRL. I can feel it in my bones. Just by reading her questionnaire answers, I already feel hot, red, burning hate coursing and pulsing through my veins. The only way I'm not going to hate her is if I can tell from the first few episodes that the producers picked her as this season's Courtney…and then I'm just going to be merely entertained by my hate for her.

Nikki's profile, on the other hand, made me laugh with glee:

Also, who the fuck cares what these girl's favorite flowers are? I have never once in my entire life cared what someone's favorite flower was.

Victoria's going to the end. Unless she ends up being totally ugly and obnoxious in real life/on the premiere, she's my advance Top 4 pick.


So that's IT. There is a good chance that Sunday's episode - which is reportedly supposed to be a look into the lives of the Bachelorettes and Juan Pablo - could shatter all of my first impressions and predictions to shredded rose petals and shattered champagne flute shards (with the exception of how much I already hate Lucy, of course), but I'm feeling pretty good about this season so far.

In the meantime, you can prepare yourselves by checking out The Bachelor Facebook Page, which has actually been pretty fun this past month, and by following The Bachelor Master List on Twitter: It's full of all the best Bachelor live-tweeters, including lots of faces from past seasons.

Until Sunday, Bachelor babies…wishing you all one-on-one date wishes and Final Rose dreams...