Joking into the New Year!
My how time flies when you’re laughing…
First of all I can’t believe we’re talking about 2014. It seems like just yesterday I was making jokes about Y2K. And if there are any comics out there who still are, it’s time to update the act.
This also marks the 4th year I’ve been sending out this How To Be A Working Comic and Humorous Speaker newsletter. And you know what that means – right?
It means we have three years worth of Jokes of the Week that weren’t even considered for last week’s Top Ten for 2013. So here’s the deal. We’ll get back to the business stuff next week – but for right now, I thought we should close out the old year and ring in the new with a few more yucks.
After digging through the archives here are ten jokes from readers that I hope you’ll enjoy – and inspire you to “go for the funny” in 2014. Same as last week, the working links for the following contributors have been included. Take a look at what they’re up to and continue to network. As you should know after four years – that’s what Joke of the Week is all about!
Have a wonderful and laugh-filled 2014 and as always…
Keep Laughing!! – Your pal, Dave Schwensen
*
1. September 2010: “My girlfriend likes to roll-play. For the last five years she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.” – Craig Sharf, LINK
*
2. October 2010: An elderly couple is sitting in church. The man passes a note to his wife that says, “I just farted but it was quiet enough that no one heard it. What do you think I should do?”
The woman writes back, “Turn up your hearing aid.” – Jeremy Nunes, LINK
*
3. February 2011 – A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed. Then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; then she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well no,” she said. “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.” – Debbie Baker
*
4. May 2011 – One night a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the man’s orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.” – Felicia Hill, LINK
*
5. September 2011 – Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?” – Sally
———————————————————————————
Sign up now for Dave’s free weekly newsletter and
receive 15% off the Amazon.com list price!
For info about Dave’s workshop at The Chicago Improv beginning February 1, 2014 visit this LINK!!
———————————————————————————
6. November 2011 – “My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning. Can you believe that? 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.” – Jeff Blanchard, LINK
*
7. January 2012 – I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in. – Jerry X Shea, LINK
*
8. February 2012 – I grew up in a broken home. I believe divorce is very confusing to children. Sometimes my mom would say, “Son, why can’t you be more like your father?” So I would say, “Okay, I’m leaving… I want the dog.” - Brian T. Shirley, LINK
*
9. April 2012 – I was at a swinger’s party last weekend. We were having a few drinks, as you do. Then the hostess came out and said, “Get your gear off.” Then she turned out the lights and said, “Now you can go to town.”
A while later I was talking to a constable in the square and I said, “It looks like I’m the first one here.” – Cheers, Lou Harrison-Smith, LINK
*
10. May 2012 – My wife just asked me what I was going to wear for my next performance. I told her I would wear blue jeans and my Elmo T-Shirt. She said I was too mature to be wearing an Elmo T-Shirt. I pointed out the fact that she had to tell me that, proved she was wrong. – Dwayne Castle, LINK
*
And for good luck in the New Year – here’s a bonus yuck especially for the comics (who are the only ones that will really understand it):
11. November 2012 – A comedian dies and goes to heaven. He meets St. Peter at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Welcome to heaven! You made it in. But I’m sorry, there’s no room for you at the moment. We’re full!”
The comedian peeks in, and sees a bunch of other dead comedians milling about, not working. So he cups his hands and shouts through the gates, “HEY COMEDIANS, I HEARD THERE ARE PAYING COMEDIAN GIGS IN HELL.” And the place cleared out!
Astonished, St. Peter says, “Well…wow…there is plenty of space for you now! Come on in.” But the comedian says, “Nah, I better go too. I heard there’s a lot of work down there.” – Matthew R. Skitzki, LINK
——————————————————————————————-
Dave Schwensen is the author of How To Be A Working Comic: An Insider’s Business Guide To A Career In Stand-Up Comedy, Comedy FAQs And Answers: How The Stand-Up Biz Really Works, and Comedy Workshop: Creating & Writing Comedy Material for Comedians & Humorous Speakers.
For information about these books, upcoming comedy workshops at the Cleveland and Chicago (beginning February 1, 2014 – visit this LINK) Improv Comedy Clubs, and private coaching for comedians and speakers by phone or via Skype visit www.TheComedyBook.com
Copyright 2014 – North Shore Publishing
