9 INDIE PRESENTS TO MAKE YOURS
Like most people, I enjoy spending my moneys propping up huge media empires and planet-burning megacorporations. Hell, I just want a Blade Runner-esque sci-fi dystopia to become reality, because then I get to wear a cool trenchcoat and walk through streets coated in neon lights without having to move to Japan. I won’t buy toys unless they’re smeared with the blood of slave children, I won’t read a book unless the author lives in a mansion made entirely of diamonds and platinum, and I won’t buy music unless the record label has thrown at least a country’s worth of people into debtor’s prison.
This year though, I found a bottle of unmarked pharmaceuticals hidden in the cistern of a public toilet (always gotta check the cisterns, it’s where the best prizes are found), and now I see things clearly. This Christmashannukahyulekwanzafestivalofblood I’m taking a break from my nihilistic sweatship purchases to support indies: indie craftsmen, artists, writers, and musicians. These people live in exciting Dickensian poverty, and every sale means one more day of precious sustenance. Plus, the stuff they make is really fucking cool.
BUY THINGS BUY EVERYTHING
*ART THINGS*
AMAZING TEXTILE PUPPETS by SHINY CHRIS HUBLEY
I’m a big fan of puppets – partly because I spent my childhood being raised by Jim Henson, and partly because you can really freak people out when their loved ones go missing and are replaced by puppet replicas. And these are the best fucking puppets I’ve seen for sale. Buy the pink one and replace your friend’s baby with it.
https://www.facebook.com/chrishubleyartist?fref=ts
ILLUSTRATIONS from CAROLINE DUFFY
Everyone hates greetings cards shops – they have all the negatives of high street stores (full of people, full of germs, risk of terrorist attack) combined with all the negatives of greetings cards (full of bad poems, full of germs, risk of terrorist attack). Why not have an illustration made for someone you mildly like? It’ll be the only one in the whole wide world. What about a picture of them as a dinosaur? Or on a rocket ship? Or of their future abandoned love child? The possibilities are endless!
http://www.carolineduffy.co.uk/
ILLUSTRATIONS from HEATHER PURCELL
I’ve included two illustrators here because I want to pit them against one another and have them fight to the death. Berlin-based Heather Purcell makes awesome comic-style illustrations, and she’s just waiting for you to contact her and scream your desires. Instead of using apocalypse-hastening Bitstrips, you could have an actual comic made of your life. Or your partner’s life. Or the end of your partner’s life.
http://scottishmangos.com/
*BOOKS*
SCI-FI/FANTASY from DARVIN MARTIN
No-one can ever have enough science fiction, and no-one can have have enough ebooks. Even if you’re storing your books on 45 different e-readers, hoarding your digital collection like the last desperate virtual librarian on earth, you’re still not trying hard enough. Plus, Martin’s stuff features polyamory, and we definitely need a whole hand-holding boatload more of that.
http://theloverswar.blogspot.de/
SCI-FI from ME ME ME ME ME
I first came across ME when I was an infant, and had just learned to recognise my own beautiful reflection. Since then ME has been creating excellent work, work you should most definitely buy, in both both ebook and print format. ME is going to go on to do great things, if not literary things then in the stealing-a-schoolbus-and-driving-it-into-a-kitten-orphanage things. Think of the kittens. Think of ME.
(You’re already on my site, there’s a link to my book above)
*MUSIC*
FOLK by MARC BLOCK
I’m not the first authority on music (remember, I am the first authority on literature, politics, and the private details of your life), but Mark Block’s songs are at times haunting and strangely uplifting. Plus, Block has such an incredible voice that I DARE YOU to try not touching yourself whilst listening to him. Great for family occasions.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Marc-Block-Music/116624875071723?fref=ts
FOLK from SERA RABBETT
For a tiny land Margaret Thatcher once napalmed and then tried to deny ever existed, Wales has had a massive impact on our fragile planet’s music scene. Sera and the Elements continue this tradition, with powerful folk music that will surely someday help establish the ‘Land of Song’ as a tyrannical global superpower.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/sera-the-elements/59986884525?ref=profile
GENRE-BENDING STUFF from RYAN JAMES
Another product of Wales’ attempts to brainwash our world through music, Ryan James is one of my favourite musicians. Let his deep gravelly voice sooth you as daffodil-coated soldiers murder your nation’s leaders and establish the Flag of the Dragon in the ruins of your capitol.
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/ryanjamesmusic
*DONATIONS FOR GOOD CAUSES*
INDIAN DOG RESCUE from WASPY WOO
Studies show that if you don’t love dogs you’re a murderous paedophile, and if you don’t want to help dogs in one of the planet’s largest third world countries then you’re also a massive racist. A long-time animal welfare campaigner, Waspy Woo wants to help save our canine buddies, and your donation will make a huge difference to this cause. Plus, it almost certainly isn’t a front for Peruvian drug cartels, like most ‘charities’ you’ll see advertised this time of year.
http://www.gofundme.com/indiandogrescue
Well that’s it for this HOLIDAY SEASON (ahaha, take that easily-enraged right-wingers, I didn’t mention the Jesus celebration aside from right now explaining how I didn’t mention him and look, I didn’t capitalise the ‘h’ in Him! Madness! Secularist madness!) But join us next year for our ‘SURVIVORS OF THE APOCALYPSE HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE’, where we’ll be pointing out which blood-stained rocks make the perfect gift, and which sticks are best to gnaw on as you hallucinate precious food. Till then, frantic consumers!
- Indiefern
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