I SO did NOT do that! *wink, wink*

A hero defends his heroine after a re... Houston We Have A Problem And It Invo...

I SO did NOT do that! wink, wink

Yes, this is what the caption of my scrapbook for our 2013 Christmas shall read. Why you may ask? Well, I’ll tell you. For whatever reason, probably because I didn’t drink enough alcohol so I was paying attention this year, my family decided to do an impromptu roast of me. Now given the subjects that came up one would think I’d be shocked, mortified and embarrassed, but meh, that’s just not me. I was laughing my butt off as I secretly patted myself on the back for giving them such enjoyment over the years.

Now, I’m only going to share a few of my favorites as I’ll probably blog about the rest of the massive list they’ve compiled on my uniqueness in 2014. Here are some highlights.

Honey’s pick? I thought it was going to be the tomato/tamale caper. This was when Honey first started to grow his tomatoes in the garden and it wasn’t going so well. After I made several valid suggestions that were all shot down – quit vehemently I might add — the bet was on. Did I mention that I’m not the most patient person in the world? No? We’ll I’m not. Hence the buying of the tamale (which looks more like an unripe green tomato than an actual unripe tomato btw) and I twisted tied it to his plant. No one was more surprised than me, when he marched me out to the garden and pointed at the darn thing. Telling me that he really didn’t believe they’d grow in this section of the garden either. In fact he was fearful that I was right about not enough light, but look, there was a tomato so I was wrong. *gasp* That’s when I patted his hand and asked him to untwist the vegetable as I was making Mexican for dinner. LOL! The look on his face? *insert long dreamy sigh here* Ah, good times.

After that you can imagine me wondering what I could have done to top that one? Well, I’ll tell you. We had a neighbor once who was very nice. Too nice when it came to Honey. She was older than we were and she made no bones about her feelings for him. She continuously called Honey, John Travolta (as the actor looked in Saturday Night Fever which was her favorite movie) Honey was pretty good about it and I was a saint, now that I think about it because she’d get her digs in. When I was pregnant with my first child she’d say stuff like, “You’re getting chubby.” And I’d reply, “Yeah, that’s what being five months pregnant does to you.” Anyway, I’m not going to get into that. This isn’t about me and we don’t have the time for that discussion this is about Honey and what I did to him. Heheheh.

One night after a neighborhood get together Honey was teasing me because I was probably bugged by Cougarlishish’s comments, when he said the wrong thing. I can’t remember exactly, but it was something like, “I know she stands out on her back deck when I’m showering. If I didn’t lock the sliders I bet she’d sneak in.”

Now, bear in mind that we lived in a two story at the time and our master bath was on the upper corner closest to her house and Honey was trying to yank my jealous chain as the woman was an instigator, to be sure, but totally harmless and positively not into B&E. The most important thing I realized that night? Honey was enjoying this. Not good. If you’d been there after he said it you would have smelled the wood, oil, paper – heck anything that would take a flame – burning as I stewed. How dare Honey make a highly emotional woman, given my pregnant state, more emotional! Was he crazy? As we all know this is very dangerous. Toxic. Let’s face it, in Japan we’d called this Hari-kari, here it’s just plain old suicide.

So what did I do?

I took a shower and went to bed. *looks away and then looks back at you* Only before I went to bed and after the bathroom mirror was steamed up, I wrote a little note on it. I still remember that like it was yesterday.

I know this isn’t right, but I’ve been dying to see if you’re everything I’d dreamed you’d be in the buff. Wowzer! Mr. Travolta, you’re welcome to come to my house and watch me shower any day of the week.

Wowzer was her favorite word and I put a big kissy lips that looked like two inverted hearts at the end of the mirror note. The next day arrived and I waited, but you see, the weather had warmed up and I hadn’t counted on the windows being opened so no steamy mirror. In fact, for several days in a row a warm-front came through and by the time it had left I’d forgotten all about the note. Until Honey came home from work one day and showered with windows closed. And wouldn’t you know it? I was over at my mom and dad’s at the time so Honey was all alone. LMAO! There I was helping dad make dinner when I got the call. Honey was a mess thinking that he’d been spied on. That was a good one! Needless to say, he hardly ever ribbed me about Cougarlishish after that. *brushes hands off* so my work there was done.

I do have to say at this point, I was a little – I mean a teensy-tiny bit ashamed of myself – when our children participated in the roasting of me. Hearing one’s antics through the eyes of your offspring is kind of jarring. But then they included Honey (who was probably dragged into doing the bad stuff by me – but it still counts) and I felt a whole lot better. Their top pick?

Don’t judge me. Seriously. I mean it. This just kind of happened. It started out one place and ended in another. That’s all I’m going to say. I will not get into all the hilarious details – I cried laughing as I recalled what happened, but I will share with you their favorite “mommy humble” moment.

*Please note that names have been redacted to protect the innocent*

It was on a Sunday morning after Honey and I went out to dinner with our neighbors the night before that I had to confess. I sat my son and daughter down and proceeded to tell them the truth. Here’s the conversation:

“Listen guys, if Ms. X mentions that she saw me at a singles mixer don’t be alarmed.”

My daughter, “But you’re not single so why would you be there?”

Imagine me pulling on my shirt collar. “I, um, was there with your dad.”

My son, God love him. “Cool.”

My daughter, a chip off the old block. “He’s not single either so why were you both there?”

Me thinking, no one would have been the wiser if the sharp-eyed Ms. X hadn’t spotted me. “We crashed it by mistake and by the time we realized what we’d done it was too late.” Not the complete truth, but close enough.

My son, “Cool.” I love that kid.

My daughter, “Why was it too late?” Dammit. Sometimes looking at carbon copy of oneself is a real bummer.

Me nearly tearing my shirt collar off. “Things snowballed and it was hard not to pretend that daddy and I weren’t one of the single couples that had made a connection.”

My daughter. “All right.”

My son, “My new teacher thinks you’re dating dad?”

Yup, going to be awkward come parent night. “Sort of.”

Both kids groan in unison, “Mom.”

It’s at this point that Honey walked in. Without stopping to find out where I was in the confession he grinned. “So I guess you told them we’re the couple of the month, eh? Pretty awesome, right? Our picture posted front and center on their website for a whole thirty days? We still got it.”

And there I was stuck staring into two pairs of owl eyes. Now we can laugh about it, but back then? It made for a few awkward moments.

Let’s see…there was the cellphone kiosk debacle, the afternoon at the top of Chimney Rock Mountain and the evening we all went to a YES concert. One of these days I shall share these special moments with you. I never laughed so hard in my life. Aside from me being roasted on Christmas Eve, we made our own pizzas and then played a table-top soccer tournament for lottery tickets.

Here’s what the game looked like: