How to Leave Milk and Cookies for Santa Claus in 10 Steps

[image error]a guest post by Maynard Soloman, gal-damn detective

 

When Santa Claus breaks into your home Christmas Eve, tramples through your living room and leaves a pile of shit to throw out in February, you'll be glad you read this guide.
Why? This greedy bastard expects some sort of tribute. Virgins, probably. But since you lack the upper body strength to hurl said virgin into that volcano, you'll do something else. You'll leave milk and cookies.

You're a sap.

Here's how to do it the right way:

 

Load your shotgun.Stick the business end up the chimney.When you hear noise, shoot.As the remains of Santa beg for mercy at your feet, fetch the milk and cookies.Taunt Santa while eating the milk and cookies.Go on the roof and slaughter the reindeer. Tell Santa you know a nice meat processor.Come out of your drug-induced haze, you stupid doper. There is no Santa and there are no reindeer. Also, the cops are here.Use your one phone call from jail to tell your family you dropped acid on Christmas Eve. They will use words like, "extremely disappointed," "we're changing the locks" and - since you pissed away most of your life - "not surprised."As you sit in jail, you will get a nickname from the other inmates. It will be "Milk and Cookies." You will not enjoy this name. Especially when the big fat guy with a beard comes over to "get my Milk and Cookies."Let me know if you need some bail money. I'd be happy to laugh in your face.

 

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