Three things I realized in 2013

Wow. 2013 has been one hell of a year.  So many great things have happened–so many wildly unexpected things and there have been some bad things too. But so many things, that this sums it up for me.

Simply put, 2013 was cray cray for me. For the most part, a great kind of cray cray.  I self-pub’d a book that did some crazy awesome things, like hitting number 1 on NYTimes (this info is important for later) and being the first self-pub’d book to hit number on Digital Book World. When my agent and I decided to self-pub Wait for You, we never expected any of that to happen and we have all the readers to thank for that awesomely awesome first. I had two more books hit the New York Times this year, Frigid and Trust In Me. Also saw those books plus  Obsession, Origin, and Apollyon hit USA Today list. Those were all amazing experiences that blew my mind.

I also wrapped up my first YA series in 2013, the Covenant Series, and while that was a bittersweet moment, it felt pretty damn cool writing “THE END” on that sucker. I also finished the first draft of another last book in the series, Opposition, and that also felt pretty darn cool writing “THE END” on that. As it did with writing the last Gamble Brother’s book, Tempting the Bodyguard, and writing “THE END” on that.

In 2013, my mother also passed away after a long and courageous battle with cancer. I was very lucky that I got to share a lot of the awesome things that happened this year with her before she passed. I didn’t get to show her the new house in person, but I did get to share with her the pictures. She liked it. =)

Like Mother…

Like Daughter…

Heh.

And there’s Loki, all up in my keeping it classy picture.

Love ya, Mom.

Lot of ends in 2013 but also a lot of new beginnings and exciting stuff to come.

I signed with HarperCollins to add more to the Wait for You series in 2013–Trust In Me, out now, Be With Me (releasing 2/4/14) and Stay With Me (releasing in September 2014). I also signed on for a NA anthology called Fifty Firsts which will include Believe In Me, the story of Ollie and Brit. 2013 also saw the green light means go for The Dark Elements series when I signed on with Harlequin Teen for that series. Bitter Sweet Love is available now and White Hot Kiss comes out on 2/25/2014. I also signed on with Spencer Hill Press to write The Return, a spin off of the Covenant Series that comes out in February of 2015.

Another amazing thing or things to happen in 2013 was the movie option on Obsidian and the TV option on the Covenant Series. I’m still pretty much all kinds of flail about that.

In 2013, 8 books were published. I’m feeling too lazy to count out how many books I wrote this year. I think it was around 7 or 8. And I’m also feeling too lazy to count how many books have been published so far. Maybe around 18? Hmm…

I’ve met a TON of awesome readers and bloggers, and I can count those moments as being some of the best experiences of 2013. I can’t wait to fulfill 2014 with more moments like those.

Amongst these crazy good things and not-so happy things, I realized a couple of things. Really important things that I’m still working on, but 3 things I kind of wanted to talk about that have to do with expectations.

The dreaded E word.

1. Writing is a marathon and not a sprint.

Yeah, that’s cheesy sounding. So cheesy, I can practically taste the cheese, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to write like a bat out of hell in 2013. Mainly it was because when you’re labeled as ‘prolific’ you feel like you have to live up to that expectation. And it’s kind of weird, because it’s not like you have to write that much. Not stressing myself out over that expectation is something I do struggle with. Because I do LOVE to write so much, it’s hard to force myself away from the computer for more than a day. Hell, I was supposed to take off December but I’ve written about 26k on Stay With Me. So I’m still working with that realization that you can burn yourself out. I know I’m not the only author who feels that pressure. Especially nowadays when a good chunk of authors are hugely prolific. I remember when Abbi Glines told me she writes the first draft in seven days and I was all like…

And a little of…

I’m jealous

And there’s nothing wrong with writing a lot and writing fast. Some people can do it. Some people can’t. And some people can’t do it all the time.

But when writing a lot, writing constantly, and writing fast starts effecting the quality of writing and causing you to want to start abusing drugs, then it’s probably time to step back and take a breather. Which was where I was. Still kind of am. Well, with the exception of the abusing drugs thing, but I have to tell myself that readers will still be here tomorrow and next week and next year, and two years from now. I’ve got to tell myself to chill. And I hope any other writer who is finding themselves caving under the pressure to write a billion books a year also tells themselves to chill.

2. Doubt is something that never goes away.

It doesn’t matter how many books you write or how many great things come your way because of those books or how many people tell you that they love your books, you still feel crippling doubt. On every book. Every book I’ve written, I always get to a point where, especially in the middle of the book, I experience Mid Book Crisis where I think this is the steamiest piece of poo I’ve ever written. EVERY BOOK. And it’s terrible. I feel sorry for my friends, because they are like it doesn’t suck, not really, and I’m all like…

Up until I get over the Mid Book Crisis and finish up the book. Which usually means getting over myself. And then I’m all like….

With writing books, there’s always expectations that the book doesn’t suck which always feeds into doubt. I’ve realized that doubt never goes away. It stays. It lingers. You’ve got to feed and water that shit. But I’ve also learned that doubt is okay. It’s NORMAL. It also keeps you on your toes when it comes to writing. Accepting that I’m always going to freak out and think the book sucks at some point is like lifting weight off my shoulders. Now I can recognize that doubt for what it is. And sometimes I do really just write a book that completely, utterly sucks. Doubt truly is just the nature of the beast, of the process. Instead of fearing doubt, we should toast it. Because when we overcome it and wrap up a book, that’s a pretty huge step.

3. Nothing is ever enough.

Yep. Here comes the big thing I realized this year and probably the hardest to actually admit. And I think, or at least I hope, this is something that speaks to a lot of writers out there.

Here is when I admit to something kind of sad and the reason why I hesitated when it came to hitting publish on this post, because it is something very personal.

There used to be a time when I was over the moon just because I sold a new book, but now I focus on the NEXT one. There used to be a time when I jumped around when my book had enough sales it got to the point on Amazon when it started tracking subcategories, but now I focus on what next. There used to be a time that I was happy when a book cracked the Top 100 on B&N and dropped under a 1000 on Amazon, but now I want it to go even lower. There used to be a time when I got excited when a book got in the Top 100 of Amazon and hit the top 20 on B&N, but now I focus on how long will it stay there. There used to be a time when my heart would stop when I would see that I hit the USA Today list, but now I wonder how long it will stay there. There used to be a time when I’d fall over if my book was in the coveted, sweet spots on Amazon and there used to be a time when I got tears in my eyes when a book hit the New York Times, but now I move on to worrying about the next book.

It was then when I realized that I wasn’t grateful for everything that I had accomplished. It’s a different kind of gratefulness if that makes any sense. It’s not that I wasn’t grateful, grateful but more lie I was forgetting all the GREAT things because I’d fallen down that rabbit hole of everything never being enough. I think we keep these to ourselves, because we don’t want to come across that we don’t appreciate whatever success we’ve had, so it eats and eats at you.

And that’s just, well….

Having goals is great. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a goal-orientated person, but like many authors, I’ve probably taken that too far in my head. I always have to sell well. I always have to hit a list. And it better be New York Times OR I’VE FAILED AND EVERYTHING IS WRONG IN THE WORLD.

Wait. What?

Nothing is ever enough… until it has to be enough. Until you realize that you haven’t even enjoyed half the process of a release day because you’ve been freaking out about rankings and if you’ve hit a list or if you will start to slip in sales or if you’re just a flash in the pan of many pans. Until you’re panicking and thinking life is one giant fail whale because you only got to 54 on Amazon. Until you’ve sold a crap ton of books in a week but then are disappointed because that crap ton wasn’t a shit ton. Until you hit USA Today but didn’t hit NYTimes, even though you know *whispers* a certain list isn’t the most accurate list in the world. Until a publisher tells you that they didn’t sign on just for first week book sales, they signed on for your career. Until you find yourself calling your editor or agent apologizing for a book being a failure when the book ends up hitting USA Today and NYTimes the following week, and you end up looking like an idiot.

Yep. I did that to my editor once. Yeppers peppers. Actually I did that twice, come to think about it.

I then ended up sending one editor flowers.

The expectation, that every book you write is going to be this giant bestseller can get overwhelming. And foretelling a bestseller can be impossible to know, because the market is a constant, ever changing beast. And we do it to ourselves. Yes, there are pressures from the outside, when a publisher says those magic words “this book didn’t perform as well as we expected” or when your print run takes a nose dive on your next book or when you have a publisher *cough recent article cough* equating book success to millions of dollars, but mostly, the never enough is something I did to myself.

And I know I’m not the only one.

Because there were days when I recognized every accomplishment as being something major. There were days when I recognized that no matter what the future brought, each of those accomplishments are still something so huge and remarkable. There were days when I realized what was more important than hitting a list or cracking a ranking or number.

The days when I was grateful and happy just to be doing what I loved, what I dreamed of doing nearly my entire life. The days when hearing from readers was the most important part of everything and not where I was going to debut on a list, if I hit a list.

That’s what my inner self says to me.

It was sometime this fall when I realized that I turned my dream into an annoying ass job and was focusing on the wrong things and not seeing what was really there. It reminded me of the time I’d worked in sales. I was pretty good at it, normally having the highest in the office and even getting employee of the year, but it was always “What can you do for me next?” and never “What have you’ve done for me?” And I HATED that aspect about the job. When I recognized I was actually doing what I hated most about that job to myself it was a pretty eye opening experience.

It was around the time I recognized that writing wasn’t a sprint. It was when I told myself I needed to chill and refocus on what was important, which was the words and the stories and the readers.

It was effecting my writing. I wasn’t happy. I was constantly stressed out and that was bleeding into my personal life. I didn’t know what it was until I realized it was the expectation of those things, those three expectations, and when I did, I knew I needed to change that mentality. Not that it still isn’t a struggle to think those things when a book release comes along and to not watch the rankings or hope that the book sells well and hits lists. Being real here, I’m still always going to worry about those things. But I also realized this year that there are so many variables when it comes to what makes a book “successful” and what causes it to breakout on Amazon or hit lists, is really kind of unknown. And I also realized to put things into perspective, to remember what is GREAT and not overlook GREAT things in the face of expectations.

This happens outside of writing and I think, or at least I hope, a lot of people can relate to letting expectations you place on yourself get in the way of enjoying something you love to do, no matter what it is that you’re doing.

For me, letting those expectations get the best of me… well, it sucked the fun out of writing and creating stories.

So I promise for a more chill year, a year where I know I’m going to worry about these things, but I’m going to be okay with them. A year where I see the GREAT in spite of expectations and I won’t loose that odd sense of gratefulness. And yes, hopefully a year that exceeds expectations, but not a year where the expectations take over everything.

And I hope I stick to this promise. If not, I think I will spin kick myself in the face.

 And because everyone asked for this when they knew I was doing a post.