A Review of Some Marijuana I Bought on the Internet

“OMG, you can’t buy weed on the web! It’s fake…you’ll get busted…” says anyone ever who has not discovered the beauty that is the deep web.

Look, before you gear up your lectures, I’m not buying bags of oregano on Craigslist. I’m buying from a clinic in California. As for getting busted, I would be a lot more worried about law enforcement wasting valuable time doing a forensic IP search so they can bust me for buying a dime bag than I worry about the inevitable probation that would follow my bust.

Oh no! Probation…i.e. law enforcement’s equivalent of your parents saying “don’t do it again.”

Luckily, my online purchase arrives without incident, vacuum sealed for freshness, in a discreet brown box. I open the box and to my delight, see that my purchase has been pre-rolled for my convenience.

The marijuana comes with a helpful card from the company, which warns me to reduce my usual intake as medical grade weed is apparently much stronger than the schwag I buy on the streets.

“Whatever,” I say as I sit back and light up. I can handle strong weed. I’ve followed Phish and been to every Hemp Fest since 1995 for Christ sakes.

15 minutes later, the joint is a roach and I realize that I’m petting my dog so hard, she is slightly dented. Even as Sophia glares at me, I just can’t stop petting her. She’s the softest thing in the whole wide world.

I realize I’m hungry. I pick up Sophia and carry her to the kitchen, before putting her down in the sink and going into the pantry for cornflakes.

No time for milk. I shove my hand into the open box and start shoveling cornflakes into my mouth as fast as humanly possible. For the next 15 minutes, I do absolutely nothing but stare at my kitchen faucet as I eat an entire, family-sized box of generic cornflakes. I only finally stop when the box is empty.

I shove the empty box into the freezer and get ready to head to the TV. Then, I step on something.

“Cornflakes?” As far as the eye can see, there are cornflakes. “Who the fuck got cornflakes all over the kitchen?”

I get the broom and start sweeping furiously. As I am sweeping, I realize that the floor could do with a good wash. I put the broom away in the bathtub and fill up a bucket of water.

I’m on my hands and knees, scrubbing the floor with a sponge, when I realize that under the refrigerator is dirty. I move the refrigerator and scrub the floor underneath it. As I’m scrubbing the floor, I notice that the clean floor is making the dirt on the walls more noticeable.

I start scrubbing the walls. An hour later, I’m finally done. I put the dirty sponge away in the breadbox and survey my handy work.

My kitchen has never been so clean! I deserve a reward.

I head back to my stash and light up a joint. 15 minutes later, the joint is a roach…and I’m friggen starving.

I head to the kitchen. “Sophia?” My dog stares at me mournfully from the sink. “How the hell did you get in the sink?” I pick her up out of the sink and put her on a surprisingly clean floor.

I open the pantry, but what I’m looking for isn’t there. “Who the fuck ate all my cornflakes?”

As for my review, I give the marijuana I bought on the internet two enthusiastic thumbs up. Warning; side effects include excessive cleaning and loss of cornflakes.