Adjusting expectations

I’m not going to lie: today kicked my ass.

Okay, let me backtrack a bit. If you’re a regular follower of the blog, you may remember me blogging about having my girl tested for dyslexia. I have felt for a while now that there was something going on. My gut just told me she was not preforming in school at the level she capable of. Even though she was tested for and qualified for Gifted and Talented, her reading was well below average. Her spelling was much worse. In kinder, 1st and 2nd, I got some version of “It’s too soon to worry.” Over the summer, we decided to have her privately tested by a neuropsychologist. At the same time, I finally got the school to agree to test her. We got the school results back first. Yes, they agree she’s not performing where she could be and her spelling is horrible, but she’s not dyslexic. Today, we got the professional results. No, she’s dyslexic. She just has moderate Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

I’m not hugely surprised. I mean, I guess I’m still surprised it’s not dyslexia. I really thought that was it. But ADHD is … I don’t know. Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I did see it coming. She’s always been a fidgety kid. She’s always been a mover. She’s high energy. She’s a quick and nimble. And she had impulse control issues–which I know from my years as a teacher is how ADHD presents in girls. It’s just … I was so sure about the dyslexia.

Here’s my parental gut-check moment: I was so sure about the dyslexia because I think I have it and was never diagnosed. So all these traits we share (bad spelling, lack of organization, slow to develop reading skills), I thought they were symptoms of the dyslexia. I was even prepared for dyslexia and ADHD. I just wasn’t prepared for only ADHD. I had no idea it could affect spelling (because this girl seriously can not spell!), but apparently, yeah, it does.

This blog is probably very disjointed and rambling. I’m apologize. This is just all my gut reaction stuff … in the middle of deadline … in the middle of Christmas … trying to balance my love and my hopes and my expectations for my wonderful daughter with this new knowledge of the challenges she’s going to experience.

In case you’re wonder (because this is the question that’s come up the most as I’ve talked to others today), no, we’re not planning on medicating her. The doctor said maybe, someday, it would be an option, but only if she’s doing hard core studying for something very academically rigorous, like studying for the MCAT, for now, she should be fine with an adjusted study schedule and some adjustments in school.

I walked away from the meeting with a renewed determination to nurture my daughter in a loving and positive way. To embrace all her unique and wonderful qualities. To be more gentle and kind with her.

Unfortunately, she got off the bus this afternoon in a pissy mood. She seemed determined to push every one of my buttons. She groused at me. She picked on her brother. She complained about everything. I tried the gentle and kind approach. I really, really did. After hours of gentle and kind, I finally had to lay down the law. She had to get her mood under control or else.

Remarkably, she got it under control.

After the day I’d had, I felt like a failure. But maybe, today, she didn’t need gentle and kind. Maybe today was just a day when she needed boundaries. Maybe she needed ordinary me (who doesn’t take that kind crap) and was trying not to be the ordinary me. We both failed and floundered. Maybe, ultimately, I don’t need to adjust my expectation for her. Maybe I just need to adjust my expectations for myself.