Fall Query Extravaganza 19

Here is the last query of the Fall Query Extravaganza. Now I'm taking a break from critiquing until after Sun versus Snow. To learn more about the Sun versus Snow query contest and a chance at a free pass, go here.

Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Agent:

I saw your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in seeing my YA manuscript, Red: The Valerie Bennett Diaries. This novel showcases a more adult fairy tale but holds a whimsical spirit that captivated us as kids.

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong.  Red would know since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen.

Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands.

The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below.

I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request. Most importantly, thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

With comments:

Dear Agent:

I saw on your website that you love fairy tale retellings, and I think you would be interested in seeing my YA manuscript, Red: The Valerie Bennett Diaries. (Titles in all caps or in italics) This novel showcases a more adult fairy tale but holds a whimsical spirit that captivated us as kids.

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong. (You've gone out on a limb with a gimmicky start to your query. This could either really interest agents or really turn them off. It's going to depend on the agent. Perhaps see if this version gets results and if not go with a more conservative start.)  Red would know (I'd avoid repeating 'know' and use something like 'tell' instead. Also this is a different tense than the rest. Red can tell you since she was there.) since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red Riding Hood must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Witches and beasts are only a few of the creatures standing in her path, but the real danger might lie with whoever has captured the Queen. ('Might' is a qualifier and it weakens. Always make your sentences as strong as possible and that means not saying 'maybe.' ...the real danger lies with whoever captured the Queen.)

Red visits classic figures like the Frog Prince and Snow White as she travels to regain the memories she has lost, (You've drifted into telling about the story instead of crafting an enticing blurb. And the memory loss comes out of nowhere.) but seems to care more about protecting the people the royals wish to step on. Her story is a new twist on the old battle for who will rule the fairest lands. (I thought it was the 'fairest in the land', not the fairest land.) I'm not sure about the other side of the stakes. I know what Red wants to do, though I'm not sure why. But what happens if she fails?

Sounds like getting her memory back is Red's motivation. Here's a quick example:

Dear Reader, I’m sorry to say the fairy tales you know are wrong.  Red can share the tale since she was there. When the Queen of Hearts goes missing, Red must stop the big, bad Wolf from seizing the crown. Saving the Queen is the only way Red can recover her memories, and no brainless witches or bullying beasts are going to stop her. But the real danger lies with whoever has captured the Queen.

Someone like The Frog Prince or Snow White hold the answers Red needs. She has no regrets against wring it out of them, because she discovers she's not the only one suffering. It's all about protecting the people the royals usually step on. If this tale's to have a happy ending, Red has to save the fairest of the land from blank or blank will happen.

The tone is sometimes humorous, sometimes dark, but always digs deep to show who these fairy tale characters really are beyond the stories we all know. (Try ...but always takes you deeper into the characters we all know. I always lean on the side of having a humorous query if your story is funny or a dark query if your story is dark. In other words show in your description the mood of your story instead of telling the agent. Your first sentence has that quirky humor, but then it vanishes.)As requested from your guidelines, a synopsis and the first chapter are located below. (But I'm not seeing the word count anywhere. That's a red--haha-- flag, though perhaps you're not finished.)

I am currently serving as a Creative Intern for Spencer Hill Press and Marketing/PR Intern for REUTS Publications and it would be a pleasure to send the full manuscript to you upon request. Most importantly, (I'm pulling a Query Shark and saying to cut this. :-)) thank you for your time and consideration. Good bio.

Sincerely,

There's a lot to like here. This query starts out with a gimmicky and humorous opening, but then it loses it after the second sentence. I would try and keep that same voice all through the main description part of your query.

Add what will happen if Red fails and make sure you clarify exactly what Red wants.