J.R.R. Tolkien Did Not Write The Hobbit in 3D

The man in the picture above is J.R.R. Tolkien. He was a linguist, a professor of Old English, creator of runes and languages, translator of ancient texts, delver of ancient lore, and scholar of mythology. He was a hobbit. I am a Tolkien purist, though not as rabid as my father, and I posit that the treatment of his first major novel, The Hobbit in the current Peter Jackson adaptation, missed the point completely.

The book is a tale meant for fireside and bedside readings, not one for utter chaos, special effects, and pissing me off. The Hobbit tells the tale of the "modern" character, Bilbo, entering into the realm of legend, where ultimately he becomes a hero in the mode of Beowulf, even acquiring a magic, rune-laden sword and confronting a dragon. The theme of the book is to take the reader back in time following Bilbo into the mythological realm that is the birthright of us all.

Peter Jackson missed this anachronistic theme, by blasting our eyeballs with 3D nonsense.

When I saw the first Hobbit movie, the final seat open for me in the theater was the single worst one. It was the front row, all the way to the right. I don't remember whether you needed 3D glasses to watch the movie, but the visual confusion on the screen and the shameless deviation from the true story brought me to the verge of tears within minutes of the show's beginning. I looked away, but with the kindly support of my wife, I was able to keep myself from walking out of the theater.

My guess is that my dad and my brother will not see the subsequent films. Fair enough. That leaves it to me to analyze them and compare them with the actual text. Remember, this post is in reference to only the first movie. Unexpected Journey. I haven't seen Desolation of Smaug yet.

Things in the Movie that were exactly from the book:

*The two songs that the dwarves sing were straight from the pages, word for word.

*The riddles that Gollum and Bilbo asked each other in the dark were all taken from the book, but some riddles were not included.

*The flaming pine cones that Gandalf threw were straight from the book.

*The whole "Good morning" exchange outside Bilbo's front door was literally from the book.

*The moon runes and the image of Thorin's map were illustrations from the book.

*The names of the dwarves and the manner in which they come to Bilbo's house were accurate.

* The names of the powerful swords were accurate. Glamdring meaning foe hammer. Orcrist meaning Orc's bane or orc slayer, and Bilbo's unnamed short sword.

*There was a scene where Bilbo was invisible behind Gollum in the goblin tunnels under the Misty Mountains. He has his sword poised to kill Gollum, but he doesn't do it. You can see the struggle on his face and the realization that he pities Gollum. In the book, there is no moment of tension there other than, "Oh no, Bilbo might get caught!" I do think that this was a good angle to put in. It added to the story in a respectful way and took all of four seconds of screen time to do, with no special effects.

Things in the Movie that were distorted from the book:

* Gandalf never called the eagles by whispering to a moth. It was cool in the LoTR movies, but now it's been overdone.

* The whole scene where they ran through the goblin caves under the misty mountains was absurd. Sure they had to run away through some tunnels, but in the book they weren't bowling through thousands of goblins and running in a ridiculous big dwarf pack.

* Galadriel, Celeborn, and Saruman were not present in the book at all, but this is not a total falsification because it could be inferred that the council did meet at some point, to discuss what to do about the Necromancer at Dol Guldur.

* In the book there was no special pedestal made of crystal in a gigantic, dumb-looking crystal landscape that Elrond had to set the map on in order to see the moon runes.

* While Thorin did desire the Arkenstone, it was not his quest to claim it entirely. And it was a priceless heirloom, but not the symbol of kingship they make it out to be in the movie. He could reclaim the throne without it. Thorin's quest was to kill Smaug and get back all the treasure.


Things that were totally made up for the movie:

* The chase scene where the orcs were out tracking them... not even close.

* Radagast. While he was a real character from the books, not this book. And he is only ever mentioned by Gandalf, never seen by the other characters. Does it make sense that he would be the first to notice the Necromancer's presence in Dol Guldur? Yes. Because his domain is in Rosgobel which is near there. But he really, really, really, wasn't in the hobbit.

* Thorin never had a rivalry with Azog, the pale orc. Azog was an Orc of Mordor, who went to claim the Mines of Moria. He did so. It is true that some dwarves went there to kill him and his band and take back Moria, and it was true that he cut off their leader's head and rolled it out of the entrance, but Thorin wasn't there. And certainly didn't cut off Azog's arm. It was quite a while ago.

*Well with those three things right there you cover about half the movie's length, being fully made up.

*Gandalf did not smash the boulder in order to let the sunlight petrify the trolls. Gandalf stalled them by immitating their voices and making them fight each other. They didn't notice that time was going by and the sun came up on its own.

* The book was not 3D. It didn't need to be. It was a book. Literally the Hobbit is a story, an elegant one and at times a goofy one. It really didn't need to be 3D. I always think that 3D garbage takes away from the movie experience.


My first book is dedicated to the memory of J.R.R. Tolkien. Without his work I really wouldn't be the person or the writer that I am today. While I am not sure if that means I'm obligated to punch Peter Jackson in the face, since Tolkien isn't alive to do so, I'm pretty sure that a few blog posts about it will be a step in the right direction.