9 Questions You Need to Ask When Dating

 

When I was dating I remember constantly being smothered with one giant question like a bloated bear was sitting on my head, refusing to move.

Is this “The ONE?”

That was the point of dating right? To magically stumble upon The One like the gold at the end of a rainbow.

But how are you supposed to know which one is the right one? 

Instead of being constantly squashed by the GIANT QUESTION, ask yourself and your relationship these nine questions instead.

These question will help you get to “I Do” instead of “What the heck am I doing?”

Original Photo by Leland Francisco

9 Questions You Need to Ask When Dating

 

1. Do I want to become like this person?

Marriage is like rolling Play-Doh, the more the two colors are meshed together the harder it becomes to distinguish one from another.

In marriage you begin to rub off on each other, subtly taking on traits and characteristics of the other.

Does this thought excite you or does it make you feel like you just digested a can of Play-Doh?

Yes you still are your own person. And you need to have your own identity beyond them. But…

If you don’t want to become like the person you’re dating, maybe you shouldn’t be dating?

2. Am I attracted to this person? (and do I realize that attraction runs much deeper than looks)

One of the biggest lies of our culture is that attraction is all about appearance. (Tweet That)

If you can just get your hair, abs, complexion, and clothes just right, then The One will scamper to you like a squirrel to a nut factory.

But attraction runs much deeper than looks. Sure appearance might catch someone’s eye, but it’s personality, values, heart, past, present, and future that’s going to make them stay.

Your petals might be beautiful, but if you don’t have any nectar then the bees are just going to fly away.

I see too many dating couples that think the other person is good looking, trying to force and trap a true attraction that isn’t there.

Finding your spouse attractive is much more profound than simply thinking they’re bootylicious. (Tweet That)

3. Do our core values and beliefs repel or compel each other?

One of the greatest causes for conflict in marriage are contradicting core values.

I’d describe core values as beliefs that are fundamental to how you are wired, guiding your actions, thoughts, plans, and purpose on this earth.

We all have values that direct us and help us make decisions – problem is most of us have never articulated what those values are.

And if you don’t know you’re values, how can you expect your partner to have a clue?

Not all values are the same and sometimes you can have two very good people with very good values, but those values can feel at war with each other.

For example, you could have a high value for responsibility and the person you’re dating could have a high value for risk. Both values are good, but if not articulated and discussed it could be a point of high conflict if the responsible person likes consistency and persistence, while the risk-taker likes changing things up and going for the impossible.

Take me for example, one of my core values is authenticity. I struggle being in a job, friendship, situations, etc. where I feel like I’m having to pretend to be someone else. It makes me feel anxious and that I’m lying.

How this plays out in my life, especially in the aspect of career, is that I struggle doing work I don’t believe in and isn’t aligned with who I am. Authenticity forces me to intensely evaluate why I’m doing what I’m doing and strive to do work aligned with my beliefs. Thus my career path has been anything but straight-forward, which could drive any sane person crazy.

Thankfully, my wife has been very supportive because she knew this was the way I was wired from the beginning and it aligns with her core beliefs, as she enjoys change and pursuing things off the beaten path.

Too many marriages start (and end) with vague and un-identified core values.

4. Does this person challenge me to be a better, authentic version of myself?

Is your partner trying to force you to become like them? Become like some figment of their unrealistic dating imagination? Or are they challenging you to become a better, authentic you? Not trying to change you, but trying to bring the best to the top.

A spouse should be like a proficient gold miner, able to go beyond the surface to uncover the invaluable stuff underneath.

Is the person you’re dating like a magnet trying to bring the best of you to the surface?

Or are they trying to bury you under a pile of dirt?

5. How does their family communicate? (And am I comfortable if this person begins to communicate with me in the same way?)

We all go through intense communication training for years; it’s called childhood.

And it’s hard to un-wire 18 years of being shown how to talk and listen to others in family situations.

Sure we’re not our parents and we can work to change, but for many our fallback communication plan will be the one our parents laid out for us.

Holidays especially are giving you a glimpse into how they’ve been taught and trained. Take notes so that you don’t flunk the test later.

6. Do they love from their insecurities or do they love from their strengths?

I first asked this question in 11 Questions Every Twentysomething Needs to Ask, and I think it boils down to this: Is their love based on YOU or is their love based on THEM?

Does their love demand? Or does there love give?

Love can be the worst form of manipulation there is. (Tweet That)

Your partner can look and smell like a rose, and yet continue to prick you with their sharpened barbs.

Does your partner seek out ways to understand how you receive love and meet that need? Do you do the same?

If you or the person you’re dating loves out of their insecurities, their love will be needy and selfish.

When someone loves from their strengths they know who they are and are drawing from a deep, full well to give to you without demanding a drink in return.

7. Have you both tackled your monsters?

We all have insecurities, fears, failures, painful memories, and just all around unattractive stuff we’re hiding in the back of our closest.

Like that yearbook from our awkward years, we all have things we hope our partner will never lay eyes on.

However…

Just because you want to pretend your monsters don’t exist, doesn’t mean they’re just going to magically go away.

And marriage has the amazing ability to take all that you hoped remained hidden, and put it on stage for a nationally televised interview that your in-laws will be watching.

Tackle your monsters now. Don’t let them crush your relationship later.

As I wrote in 101 Secrets for your Twenties,

Newly married and living in a small apartment is no place to store a luggage set full of your baggage. Begin to ditch those bags now.

Right attracts right. And the more right you are, the more right your relationship will be.

8. Do we enjoy doing the mundane together?

Marriage is as every day as it gets. (Tweet That)

Marriage is budgets, laundry, broken toilets, work, weddings, funerals, births, and everything in between.

Can you envision enjoying every day life with the person you’re dating?

As I wrote in 101 Secrets for your Twenties,

If you don’t enjoy going to the grocery store with this person to buy eggs or changing the clothes at the laundromat, then you might not enjoy doing marriage. Because marriage is built on a million more mundane moments than magical.

9. What’s their vision for the future? Kids? Careers? Travel?

How do you envision marriage after 10 years? Are you traveling the world with your spouse? Do you have three kids encased in white picket glory? Are you both working corporate jobs? Are you doing missions work in a different country? Do you have six kids and are driving a bus across the nation to perform a family rhythmic gymnastics routine at county fairs?

Your plans, goals, and ideas of the future change–but people who refuse to talk about it rarely do.

If your visions for the future look very different, it’s better to discuss it now than to be surprised by it later.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments section on this article: 

What question resonates with you the most? 

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Related posts:
10 Tips for Dating in Your 20′s
Why I Did NOT Kiss Dating Goodbye: Guest Post Michelle Acker
4 Objections to Early Marriage (and Why I am Glad I Did it Anyway)