Identity as a Writer
I’ve struggled with identity all my life.
Who am I?
What am I?
Those two phrases I’ve uttered more in my life than even ‘What the Fey’ or ‘book’. And at first I used to think it was because I was still searching for myself. Trying to find out who I am, and what I’d do with my life. But over time I started to realize that wasn’t what I was doing by asking those questions.
No matter how much you go on a life journey to try to find who you are, you will never discover yourself. You will, however, discover perspective. A journey to find yourself puts you in the mindset to be evaluating your life, while also getting entirely new perspectives along the way. But never once do you ‘find yourself’. In fact we need to get away from that idea entirely. Because you were never lost, you never needed to be found buried under all those dirty clothes.
Instead, you create yourself. Based on knowing what identities ring with you the best. The ones that feel right. And the ones that you might lose or gain along the way. Regardless, you never find yourself. Instead you are constantly, at every moment, creating yourself. Everything you do, think, and say leads to a further development of your identity and the longer your life goes on the more you start to become solidified in that identity. And not just you, but everything everyone you come into contact with and what they do and say to you also determines your identity.
I think this needs a better explanation though.
Identity Determined By Others
When I speak of others around you having an impact on your identity, there are multiple pathways to go.
The first is what they tell you is your identity. These are when someone reinforces an identity on you, like someone in customer service saying sir or ma’am. Or a friend telling you that you are ‘So butch’.
The second area has to do with other people’s interpretation of an identity. You might have heard these before: ‘A real man does…’ or ‘All writers do…’.
I particularly want to stress this second area because it’s frequent and damaging. No matter what you think about any particular identity whether man, writer, painter, cook, butch, gay, etc, there is no determining factor for that identity. There is no ‘fake’ version of that identity. There may be people who assume that identity for various things, all of which may not be the best of intentions, but there is no fake or real.
There is no fake geek girl. There is no fake man. There is no real geek guy. There is no real woman. All of these things are a black and white mindset. Just because someone doesn’t fit your idea of what an identity like ‘geek’ means. Does not mean they are a fake. It doesn’t mean anyone fitting your idea of that identity is real, either. They just are.
And yes, you are absolutely free to think whatever you want. But the moment you voice your thoughts to people around you, it no longer just becomes a thought. It becomes a reality. Sometimes an all to damaging and detrimental reality to people.
Think of it this way. What if, all your life you had always thought of yourself as a writer. And then one day someone comes along and says ‘Real writers drink coffee’. But you don’t drink coffee. You never liked the taste of it. Suddenly, you start to wonder whether you are a real writer, because you don’t drink coffee. And then you see more people, saying ‘Real writers don’t use adverbs’. But you look at your work and it’s littered with adverbs and now you are freaking out, because ALL ALONG you had never been a real writer.
You’re entire identity is shattered. Because people out there decided to voice that they think this particular group of people can only fit in that particular group if they do this specific thing.
Definitions and Connotations
We have another word for it. A definition. Except, when it comes to identity. To who and what you are. There are no definitions. There are only connotations.
Your identity is entirely based on what a word means to you, and what a word means to other people. And definitions of a word have no place in an environment where what matters is what the word means to you. Definitions can’t tell you how happy to makes you feel to hear someone call you an author for the first time. Definitions can’t tell you what to call yourself when you fall in love with a girl despite still loving boys, all except that one girl. Definitions can’t tell you all the hidden meanings of a single word when it’s applied to a whole group of people. Definitions can’t tell you all the stigma and beauty attached to a word you call yourself. Definitions can’t even tell you when people in your life are going to tell you that you are a fake, even though you do fit the definition of the word.
It’s all connotations. It’s all about perception, and connotations.
So next time, before you say: “Real -label- does -something-”. Remember, how would you feel if someone said something similar about a piece of your identity that you hold dear, and you didn’t fit it?
