This stays with me.
another of those personal notes.
I was an unforgiving twerp (not twerk, like I first wrote) back in the day, entitled and injured. My father basically lost who he was when I was 22 -- he had a stroke and, though he lived for years, he wasn't a grownup after that. That meant I didn't get a chance to get past his imagined and real sins when he was fully present, not that it mattered to him. Didn't matter to me that much either, but now it does, probably because I'm a parent. Also because at a certain age (maybe after your 20s?) love/affection isn't as easily attained, retained, sustained.
Anyway this letter--the message hit me hard for some reason. Most of us mean well, okay? Don't despise anyone who loves you to any degree--not if their affection doesn't harm you.
So....yeah. What it says.From Carolyn Hax's column.
Dear Carolyn:
Haven’t spoken to my father for 2.5 years, for various reasons that boil down to his being very selfish and refusing to validate feelings.
He called the other day. Many, many people in my life think that I should let [my grudge] go because “that’s just how he is,” and that I’m depriving him of my child (born after I cut him off).
I’d love a relationship with him, but his message didn’t indicate any desire to resolve issues, simply to brush them under the rug. Thoughts?
Calling Dad
There isn’t much for me to go on here, but I do feel comfortable saying that I support unconditionally those who sever ties to people who are harmful to them.
When people are merely disappointing, though, then my advice is to try instead to accept that no one will ever be who you want them to be. We even let ourselves down by that standard. So, if that’s the case with your dad — that your main complaint is his not being the dad you wish he’d be — then think of what you want from yourself, and from other people.
You want to be accepted and loved as you are, right? And forgiven your shortcomings? And not set up to fail?
You can’t make anyone give you these things, but you can show how it’s done by calling him with your expectations set to “naught.” Given that Dad’s shortcomings appear to be of long standing, just make sure you go into it knowing your integrity is your only certain reward.
I was an unforgiving twerp (not twerk, like I first wrote) back in the day, entitled and injured. My father basically lost who he was when I was 22 -- he had a stroke and, though he lived for years, he wasn't a grownup after that. That meant I didn't get a chance to get past his imagined and real sins when he was fully present, not that it mattered to him. Didn't matter to me that much either, but now it does, probably because I'm a parent. Also because at a certain age (maybe after your 20s?) love/affection isn't as easily attained, retained, sustained.
Anyway this letter--the message hit me hard for some reason. Most of us mean well, okay? Don't despise anyone who loves you to any degree--not if their affection doesn't harm you.
So....yeah. What it says.From Carolyn Hax's column.
Dear Carolyn:
Haven’t spoken to my father for 2.5 years, for various reasons that boil down to his being very selfish and refusing to validate feelings.
He called the other day. Many, many people in my life think that I should let [my grudge] go because “that’s just how he is,” and that I’m depriving him of my child (born after I cut him off).
I’d love a relationship with him, but his message didn’t indicate any desire to resolve issues, simply to brush them under the rug. Thoughts?
Calling Dad
There isn’t much for me to go on here, but I do feel comfortable saying that I support unconditionally those who sever ties to people who are harmful to them.
When people are merely disappointing, though, then my advice is to try instead to accept that no one will ever be who you want them to be. We even let ourselves down by that standard. So, if that’s the case with your dad — that your main complaint is his not being the dad you wish he’d be — then think of what you want from yourself, and from other people.
You want to be accepted and loved as you are, right? And forgiven your shortcomings? And not set up to fail?
You can’t make anyone give you these things, but you can show how it’s done by calling him with your expectations set to “naught.” Given that Dad’s shortcomings appear to be of long standing, just make sure you go into it knowing your integrity is your only certain reward.
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Too true. And sometimes it takes a few years for it to become clearer. (like a giant 8-ball. The answer floats around for a while.)
Also it's a lot easier to forgive someone once they're dead. They're not around to screw up again or point out they had no interest in any sort of forgiveness ritual.
i wonder if that's one of those thingslike everybody has to learn their lesson for themselves? it's hard to forgive until it's too late—and then suddenly it's a lot easier.
if only you'd been able to do that when the forgiven were still alive.
I think that people get in the way of the forgiving. Let us say you want to forgive, you need to forgive, but the other person does not even acknowledge th fact that something is wrong, so there is "nothing" to forgive and you are just left unacknowledged with a well of hurt and anger. For fuck's sake just see my pain.
yeah, that sounds familiar. Trouble is when the other person won't or can't see the pain, it's just impossible for them or they're wrapped tight in their own issues. . .and then you realize your own pain is holding you down and getting in the way, hurting you, not doing a damn thing to or for anyone else, and so you have to let it go and you have to do it alone or maybe with the help of a qualified professional.
AND THEN -- this is the part I haven't seen described, but might be part of the letting go of pain thing -- THEN comes the next part when you get to mess with your own head. What will you feel when you think of that person? Because pain and resentment isn't all there is to the relationship (no relationship that lasts years and years is all one thing or another)
And once you come out the other side of that rawness, you have more choices, readjusting memories or adding new ones. I've have nothing but pure resentment and well-traveled anger/pain so I've gone to friends and relations and said "tell me something good you remember about this person. Tell me a story that shows him in a good light." If the person is important like a parent or ex that you have kids with, it's simply much easier to live with some good stuff thrown in on top of the heap of nicely composted shit you already possess.
and that's more me thinking about the long-ass process and how it worked--I hadn't really thought it through before--then me saying "DO THIS. You must do this!!!" No one has to do squat.
Holding on to pain/anger is bad for me, I can't continue to use it as a shield. At the same time I can't continue hoping that my wants/needs will be filled by a person who absolutely can't do so. So continuing a relationship in some sort of fashion is the hardest part for me at the moment because the wants still exist and so the hurt does to and I have to get past them to continue. How do you not care any more?
i dunno who said this anymore—it's been attributed to many different people over the years—but it still makes perfect sense:resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
I don't know. I wish I did. (((((Sofia)))))Maybe it's like panic. One way to cope with panic is to work alongside it. The feeling is real, you know it's a true response, but you don't let it run your show. When you panic, you're supposed to acknowledge the discomfort (and give it a less loaded, horrible name--use milder words, always) and let it carry on in its merry way.
So, okay, the hurt is there, you say howdy to it, and then decided how long you'll let it be in charge -- and what you'll do instead (do, not think instead, since controlling thoughts is not going to work) despite its presence. "Do" meaning how will you operate in that person's presence? Maybe? So you will care and be hurt but you don't let those sensations be the only operating system in place. Despite everything, you get to be in charge of what you say and do, and isn't that a relief.
But hey, gerbil wheeling is going to happen. Ugh.
Thanks Kate and Julio, I needed that. Hugs.
(way to trash random internet flotsom, Rothwell. I hate trying to post pictures)
which is to say: sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between 'hurt' and 'disappointment.'