The Newest Ways To Get A Small Face

Who knew that aluminum could be the key to that holy grail of pulchritude, the small face? Apparently, it has become the flavor of the month when it comes to head shrinking in Japan. Strap on one of these “aluminum head spa” products to minimize your watermelon of a noggin whilst you shower!

And in case it’s not your whole head you want to shrink, researchers have been working around the clock to deliver new devices guaranteed to work on your most hated overlarge feature. Behold the slightly Friday The Thirteenth-ish “Sleeping Hammock” and its rival, the “Face Lift Up Belt” (for jutting chins and incipient wattles), and the “Cheek Slim Belt” for unlovely wideness! All conveniently work while you sleep – if you can manage to get to sleep, that is, with your head trussed up like a prize Thanksgiving turkey…

Jonelle Patrick is the author of the Only In Tokyo mystery series, published by Penguin/Intermix. She hasn’t personally tested these products because her head is already so small, it’s been ridiculed in America, where people with large heads are rewarded with lucrative news anchor and movie star jobs.