A Problem with Trust.

This post is all about trust, which is something I’m struggling with lately. I’m also writing a sequel (if by writing you can count staring at a page and producing no words at all) and it’s related to my struggle with trust. Hugely, in fact.

For some reason, I’m having an issue trying to trust myself and the story I’m writing. Every single word I write is met with this ocean of doubt. Seriously — every .single. word. This blog post has been going better than my book, which sucks because I have a deadline. A deadline that I probably won’t meet, considering I’ve been writing for a month and have 10k words that don’t even work and it’s due in January. Heh.

I’ve never had this problem, but I know it’s largely due to this trust thing.

I know because I can feel it when I delete the words, or when I cry, or when I start over and produce nothing. I know because I feel like I hate all of this, like I can’t do it, and that’s not a feeling I enjoy. Lately, I feel like I don’t deserve this because I can’t make words happen. What kind of writer can’t make words happen? Doesn’t trust herself or her characters? Why can’t I let go and just let the story take over? Why can’t I listen to my characters? Why do I keep obsessing over and  trying to make sure the story works before I write it? (Because we all know that isn’t how it happens.)

Short answer: I don’t trust. (In myself. In my ability. In the story. In the characters. In the fact that I don’t even know what’s going to happen in the next two months, which scares me.)

Longer answer: I am terrified.  (Of no one buying SALT ever. Of people hating it. Of people loving it. Of expectations. Of everything that’s riding on this. Of disappointing. Of never ever succeeding or getting what I want. Of getting what I want and succeeding. Of not being good enough. Of everything.)

I’m not saying I’m not 1000% grateful for where I am — because I totally am — but being grateful doesn’t make writing fall into this place where nothing can hurt me. More things can hurt me, and they are, but they’re all coming from myself.

This lack of trust and this fear is keeping me back. I know that. I get it. But even though I know it’s a problem, even though I understand, I still don’t know how to overcome it. I have the most encouraging writer-friends who are always having the same conversations with me over and over. So, that “you can do it” encouragement isn’t working because they may believe in me, but I don’t believe in myself. (And honestly, they must be tired of telling me.) I know it’s typical to feel this way, I know every writer does, but that doesn’t help me overcome any of the anxieties I have.

And I have them so bad that I can’t write. I can’t write.

AND IT SUCKS. That makes me feel like more of a failure, like I’m even less of a writer, and I let that doubt overtake me and I get paralyzed. This is where I’ve been for a whole month! I will do almost anything to avoid the opening Scrivener. And I have to open Scrivener. (Again: deadline.)

This is a post I “shouldn’t write” because professionals are not allowed to complain about writing sequels. We’re not supposed to talk about feeling like a failure or fear. But I am. Because before I’m a professional, I am a creator. If I can’t create then I can’t be a professional. (They’re all connected.) I’m a writer, and like it or not, we writers need other people because we all like to tell ourselves that we are completely alone and we’re not. I know I’m not. Just this week I’ve seen or had multiple conversations about this exact issue. I’m not alone here, even though I feel lost and alone. I think that is cause to break the expected rules.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do you overcome it? How do you soldier on? How do you believe in your story and in yourself? How do you separate the fear? I know I’d love to know. Especially if you’re writing a sequel that you don’t entirely see clearly.

I’d love to learn how to trust myself again — and fast.

I don’t have an expectation in writing this. I don’t want anyone to pat me on the back and say I can do it. I’m just looking for people to tell me what they’ve done to overcome this. I’m only even saying because maybe, just maybe, being honest and getting it off my chest will make me feel better.

Because I want to write. I need to write. I miss writing. I think this story could be a really good one — once I figure out what the hell is supposed to happen and how to get it on the page. And believe that I can do it.