Frustration

There are times in our lives where we are immensely frustrated, forced to a standstill, mind a tornado of options that all seem at once impossible and possible. The clutter of choices threatens to overtake our sense, drown our sanity and undermine our present.

That is a place I am in right now.

Epic Frustration with Life.

I have been spoiled in the last few years. I am with the love of my life. I have met some amazing people. I have fallen back in love with the actual action of writing. I am working hard to conquer my depression. I am in a great financial situation.

But I am not happy with the balance in my life. I am working full-time, slightly more, losing my sanity in the a job that doesn’t give me anything to learn. I coast on my skills with excel and databases and not really gleaning any story-fodder from the work.

I have dreams, of course, as all writers and all people do. I want to start a family. I want to write full time. I want to feel fulfilled at the end of the day, not strained and unbalanced.

As a result, I have been struggling more and more against depression. I have lost any semblance of fitness in my life and I sleep for more hours of the day than I care to admit just to recharge my batteries between work days.

All the while, I feel smashed with guilt. I should be more productive. I should be revelling in the priviledge of having a decent job, good money, fantastic benefits, a loving family, and a drive to write. But I squander that in my exhaustion and depression.

I feel that I should take a step back. I wonder if I should ask my family if they would support me working part-time, writing as much as I can, building my dream. Then I feel selfish and childish. I should be an adult and responsible. I should have a handle on the depressing realities of life and should adapt to that.

I am unabashedly jealous of those near me who can work part-time and write with abandon. I find myself jealous of the other Inkettes, thinking their lives must be beautiful and easy. Subconsciously, I fill in all the things I don’t know about others’ lives with positives and everything I don’t know about my own is filled with negatives. Any space in my life, I feel I can’t relax in it. It is literally negative space.

For now, I am working hard to set up my family for the future. The house is being renovated and very-old-things being replaced with things that will work better and last longer.

Am I the only one who drowns when I really need to stand up and work for balance?