A former "stupid worthless bitch" emerges from the shadows and writes of hope: tough stuff in my novels

Imagine this scenario, if you will. The mother of a teenage girl calls a meeting with the superintendent of schools and the principal of her daughter's high school:

   "The books my daughter checks out of the school library are usually perfectly acceptable," the woman says. She slides a novel across the heavy mahogany desk. The man seated across from her picks it up and studies the cover before handing it off to the woman, who thumbs through it quickly and places it back on the desk.
            
     "For example," the mother tells them, "The setting of this novel is a middle-class home in a quiet neighborhood in a suburb of Dallas, Texas. But it could be Main Street, Anywhere, U.S.A. The main characters are a fifteen-year-old girl who is a book-smart student and sings in the church choir; her eighteen-year-old brother who is very busy as a leader in Police Explorers; their universally-loved, always smiling mother who is an elder in the church; and their stepfather who is very quiet, hard-working, and known as a generous person to his employees and the church. He's so wonderful that even though the man doesn't attend church--and, I'll admit it, that is somewhat bothersome--his good works redeem him. It being the parents' second marriages is kind of a problem, but they're both such saints that a thing like divorce can be overlooked, in my opinion. Good family, great kids. And, on top of all those selling points, the book is very well-written."

          The superintendent leans forward in her chair. "So, um, what's the problem, ma'am?"

            The woman pulls from her purse another novel with many Post-It notes stuck to its pages.

            "So, what is this other book doing in the library, hmm? This inclusion of filth cannot stand. It will not stand. This book contains profanity and takes the Lord's name in vain. The main character, a fifteen-year-old girl, even questions the existence of God, because she prays that He'll save her from the life she's in and feels that nothing happens as a result. Blasphemy. As if that weren't bad enough, there are references to every kind of child abuse; alcohol consumption; and the father character even holds the family at gunpoint when the mother dares to try to reason with him. What sort of agenda does that librarian have? Or is this some sort of conspiracy to make children grow up faster?"

            She withdraws the essay she has written in preparation for this meeting and glances at it frequently just to make sure she doesn't leave out one bit of her concern. Turns out, she really doesn't need her notes. "The setting of this book is a middle-class home in a suburb, but unlike the other novel, the acceptable one, these people are exaggerations. They're just beyond belief. The neighbors wonder what all the yelling and screaming coming from the house is about. They don't understand why the father character stands in the front yard with a beer in one hand and a water hose in the other, spraying down the huge rocks as if he expects them to grow. The yelling and screaming happens after he finishes watering his rocks, goes into the house, and the daughter character inevitably says or does something to enrage him. For example, she does not say 'Hello' to him quickly enough, or does not come quickly enough to refill his tall plastic cup filled with 3/4 Wild Turkey Bourbon, 1/4 Diet Pepsi. The girl says she did not hear the ice rattle when he shook the cup, but who shakes a cup of ice at a kid?  Night after night, the father convenes the family on the sticky faux-leather furniture in the den and berates them for their worthlessness. He does not mince words. I counted the number of curse words, and I have the list right here."

    She slides a paper across the desk to the superintendent, who glances at it. "I'll read it later. Please continue, unless you're finished."

            The woman lifts her eyebrows and gives the school employees a skeptical look. "Not even close. This book isn't even written well. You say it's realistic fiction? Who in their right mind ever heard of an adult"-- she holds up one finger-- "watering rocks in the yard? Or"--second finger--"expecting a teenage girl to play bartender?" She shakes her head sadly and mutters something about taxpayer dollars, then dives back in.

            "The mother character will do anything to keep the peace. ANYTHING. It seems she prefers her life as it is to being alone again, like she was when her first husband abandoned her with her two small children. The baby girl was three days old. Luckily for her, several years later, a woman with two young children was exactly what the new guy in town was looking for. He could take or leave her son; it was the girl he really paid attention to. How nice: after years of having no father, her daughter finally has a man who cares about her."

            The principal sounds hopeful. "Well, that's a positive, isn't it? She found a new husband who loves her and the children?"

            "Her husband doesn't love the son. When the boy joins Police Explorers, his stepfather hates him even more because he has no respect for police officers. So he slams him up against walls and beats him. The boy only comes home to sleep after everyone else has gone to bed, and he sleeps with a loaded pistol under his pillow. He eats dinner at a different friend's house every night and he hates his sister because he thinks she's the favorite." The woman shrugs and says sarcastically, "Just what we need in this world: more disrespect for law enforcement."

            "I'm sure that's not the author's intention." The principal shifts in his chair uncomfortably and looks at his watch. The woman notices and snaps, "I am not finished yet! Now, do you want me to go to the local newspapers, or are you going to hear me out?"

            He sighs, "Of course, ma'am. Please continue." 

            "Thank you, I will. When the mother notices that the daughter character is eating massive amounts of food, she points out morbidly obese women and asks, 'Do you want to look like them? Stop eating so much! You'll never get a boyfriend if you're fat!' The woman makes a face as if she smelled something bad. "This is not a positive adult character for my daughter to read about."

            She narrows her eyes, tilts her head, and says, "This author seems to be on a crusade to portray mothers in a bad light. Does the librarian who bought this book hate her own mother or something?"

         The superintendent sputters, "I--you--I think you're reading more into this than--"

            The woman cuts her off. "I'm not happy about the profanity, but forget that a moment and consider the quality of storytelling, would you? I find the stepfather's behavior unbelievable, but the mother is equally over-the-top. She is so determined to maintain the facade of family perfection to the world that when the girl tells her, at age fourteen, that the stepfather character has been molesting her since the age of eight... well, first, the mother questions her as if the girl is her husband's mistress. Then, she decides that from that moment, they will all move on. It's simple: Just. Move. On."

            She picks up the novel and it seems for a moment that she may throw it at the people across from her, who duck. She slams the book onto the desk, not even noticing that they're cringing. "No mother would do that." She snorts, "Realistic fiction. Hmph! But you know what really gets my goat?"

            They shake their heads.

            "It's the main character, the fifteen-year-old girl. Is my daughter supposed to identify with this person? To emulate her? She hides in books, writing, and her closet at night-- and sometimes during the day. She has no close friends, because any time she overcomes her social awkwardness enough to become close to someone and tell them what happens at her house, the person begins to pull away. She discovers that if she eats excessive amounts of the sweets at one time, she doesn't feel so much of what she is afraid to feel. The messages she absorbs from the caretakers in her life have taken root like a cancer in her soul! They tell her, "You are stupid. You are worthless. No one will ever love you. You're so angry! You wake up angry and you go to sleep angry. What a--a-- B-word you are!"

            The woman flings the novel into the wastebasket. "Trash! Sensationalism! What sort of parent would say that to a child? And, my question is, why do you feel that teenage readers should have access to these sorts of stories?"

Find Beth Fehlbaum online:
  Official Book Trailer for Hope in Patience  Video of me reading a Dear Teen Me letter  My website  Facebook  Twitter  Reviews of The Patience Trilogy Reviews of Big Fat Disaster Cut! End of scenario.

            I'll take this one. Me: Beth Fehlbaum: the author of books that tell such stories of teens in seemingly hopeless situations, who find that they are capable of overcoming, surviving, and thriving: The Patience Trilogy: Courage in Patience, Hope in Patience, Truth in Patience, and Big Fat Disaster. The Patience Trilogy is available for acquisition, and Big Fat Disaster will release from Merit Press in March, 2014.

            I write books about people like the fifteen-year-old girl in the "controversial" novel, and I have a wide readership from teens to people in their seventies, although my books are considered "YA".

            I was that fifteen-year-old girl. That is my story. My family was perceived as the family in the "acceptable" novel, but it was a lie. I write the stories that I do because as a book-smart teen, I looked high and low for people like me; for a way to process what was going on under our roof.

            I tried repeatedly to find...something. Peace? Answers? A solution to my stepfather raging or, if my mother was not at home, being overly kind to me-- which was like sirens going off that he was about to jump me. I lived in a heightened state of anxiety, and I have PTSD as a souvenir of those years.

            I was convinced that I was an awful person, and that if I prayed just right, God would save me. I rode my bike to the Christian bookstore by my house and pored over the self-help section.

            When I gave up and became convinced that I must be doing the whole praying thing wrong, I trekked to the public library. I can't even tell you what I thought I'd find, but I was desperate and I thought that somewhere, there had to be someone in those pages who I could relate to. But no matter how much I searched, I couldn't find MY LIFE in the books I read. So, I read a lot of non-fiction, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I cannot begin to express to you how much I could have used some HOPE back then; to have read about people like me who manage to find a reason to hang on, even though many times it was tempting to check out.

        While I didn't find books with characters who were like me, I did find the technical words for what was going on in my house, such as:

Molestation: to make annoying sexual advances to; especially : to force physical and usually sexual contact on

Incest: sexual intercourse between persons so closely related that they are forbidden by law to marry; also : the statutory crime of such a relationship

Rape: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent

Alcoholism: a chronic disorder marked by excessive and usually compulsive drinking of alcohol leading to psychological and physical dependence or addiction.

       At that time, I didn't realize I had an eating disorder--but I knew that I ate in secret and that I didn't eat like other people did. Binge Eating Disorder has only recently been added to the DSM-5 Diagnostic Criteria. If that information had been around when I was a teen, I guarantee that I would have book-smarted my way to finding it.

            I also didn't know that my frequent thoughts of killing myself was suicide ideation, a symptom of major depression, which I had, undiagnosed, for years:

Suicide Ideation: wanting to take one's own life or thinking about suicide without actually making plans to commit suicide. However, the term suicidal ideation is often used more generally to refer to having the intent to commit suicide, including planning how it will be done. Suicidal ideation is one of the symptoms of both major depression and bipolar depression.

            Ya know, I've read articles written by those who question whether YA fiction is purposely sensational and controversial, but I believe that "CONTROVERSY" is in the eye of the beholder. What I lived wasn't controversial. It was my life; surviving day-to-day, and feeling as if I was alone. I coveted the lives of my friends whose families weren't like mine, and I was convinced that because of what was happening to me, I was a dirty, shameful person. I wasn't, and teens who are experiencing those same things in their lives --or who know people who are-- need to know that being raised in a world like that is not a cause for shame.

            Most importantly, I want my readers to know that they are not alone, and that THERE IS HOPE. Sure, there's a place for books about perfect families, but there's also a place for books like mine and other authors who tell the truth even when it's messy; who write fearlessly; and who show that there's light to be found without being preachy, and even, believe it or not, by injecting humor into the most surprising places.

            Some people have accused authors like me of creating a dark world that damages teens. Trust me: a person who slept in my closet for years to avoid my stepfather's nighttime attacks, and who grew up believing that I was a stupid worthless bitch, because my parents told me so: the real world is dark, all on its own.

            That's why I write like I do.

Tomorrow is the LAST DAY to enter Beth's BIG FAT DISASTER GIVEAWAY for November! Enter to win signed copies of her books including an Advanced Reader Copy of BIG FAT DISASTER, and be eligible for the grand prize, an Apple iPad 2! Click here to enter.

Buy Beth Fehlbaum's books:
Big Fat Disaster, Courage in Patience, Hope in Patience:
Amazon US, Amazon Canada, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound