The Best Tweets of All Time, According to Us

Associated Press

If you are bored at the airport right now, thanks to America's faltering infrastructure and terrible weather, or if you want something to look at / laugh at / refer bafflingly to tomorrow night at Thanksgiving dinner, here you go: The best tweets that have been created as of November 27, 2013, as selected by The Wire and Various People We Know. 

"What is your favorite tweet" is, for Twitter users, a surprisingly hard question to answer. Twitter's so-called "favorite" tool doesn't help, allowing, as it does, an infinite number of favorites. So actual favorites need something special, maybe some context, maybe something else to really stand out.

Take my favorite tweet. It is this, written just as Massachusetts police had surrounded Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in that suburban back yard.

why not just tow the boat to jail

— Eric Spiegelman (@ericspiegelman) April 20, 2013

This is a good tweet; if you are writing tweets, aim for this. Topical, funny, and, yes, an incisive look at the nature of police work and also boat trailers.

Here is how other people answered that same question.

Favorite tweets of non-Wire people

Caitlin Kelly, senior web producer at The New Yorker

Well, @SexCauldron, could the ability to apply intelligence and skill in pressure spots--rather than being overrun by anxiety--be 'clutch'?

— Buster Olney (@Buster_ESPN) October 16, 2013

Max Read , Gawker.com deputy editor

.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 9, 2013

Margarita Noriega , Editor-in-Charge of Reuters Live News

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Pizzas

— Pizzacat (@catpizzas) August 13, 2013

Alex Pareene , Salon.com columnist

@justinbieber @jdickerson

— Governor Christie (@GovChristie) April 26, 2010

Ryan Woodsmall , self-described "professional idiot"

Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) February 4, 2012

Josh Fruhlinger, freelance writer and editor
Context: This is about the McDonald's anthem "Mac Tonight."

"This creepy moon singing a jazzy, food-based reinterpretation of a leftist ode to a murderer will make people want hamburgers at night"

— alex pareene (@pareene) November 25, 2013

Jen Doll, author of Save the Date

Twitter is like screaming into a great abyss and then sometimes your friends will swing by the periphery and be like, "Hey, nice screaming."

— Nick Greene (@NickGreene) July 29, 2013

Jess Zimmerman , Grist List editor

Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) May 29, 2013

Matt Novak , editor of Gizmodo's  Paleofuture blog

No, no, no. Everything happens for a reason IN MOVIES. Common mistake.

— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) September 5, 2011

Darth , internet celebrity

What’s all the fuss about horse meat? Who gives a shit? I’ll eat a horse. I’ll eat your dog. I’ll eat your fucking family.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 19, 2013

The Wire staff's favorite tweets

Elle Reeve

*hugs girlfriend, gets on 1 knee* honey, would you *points up, fireworks spell out "LIKE A FREE IPAD?" she looks down& i'm holding a survey*

— LeVar Burzum (@drugleaf) February 18, 2012

Richard Lawson

Thank God it's Friday!!!!!! It is the weekend baby!!!!!! Have fun and enjoy it!!!

— Quvenzhane' Wallis (@IAMQUVENZHANE) May 10, 2013

Danielle Wiener-Bronner
Context: Perhaps unaware of the full context of that first sentence.

Two Bills, one selfie. Already having fun at #CGI2013 MT @BillGates A @billclinton selfie as we sat down to talk http://t.co/iK4Y7tGFIY

— Bill Clinton (@billclinton) September 24, 2013

Esther Zuckerman

Does anyone know if dexter filkins is on twitter?

— Sarah Jessica Parker (@SJP) November 6, 2013

Zach Schonfeld

@TriciaLockwood No.

— T.J.Maxx (@tjmaxx) May 8, 2012

Abby Ohlheiser
Context:  Back in 2009, early Twitter adopter Stephen Fry was trapped in a crowded elevator, and livetweeted the whole thing. He even took a photo of his fellow travelers.

Here we are x http://twitpic.com/1bgnt

— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) February 3, 2009

Joe Reid

I'm not tweeting again until the Red Sox win.

— Bill Simmons (@BillSimmons) April 6, 2011

Allie Jones

Does anyone know how outback makes their bloomin onion?

— Audrina Patridge (@AudrinaPatridge) April 20, 2013

Brian Feldman

no

— NPR News (@nprnews) June 21, 2012

Alex Abad-Santos

I want @drake to murder my vagina

— amanda bynes (@amandabynes) March 22, 2013

Arit John
Context: Earlier this summer Vanity Fair published "40 Signs You Are a BuzzFeed Writer Running Out of List Ideas." If you're at BuzzFeed (unofficial motto: #nohaters), this is probably the best way to respond.

40 Reasons Vanity Fair is no longer invited to brunch.

— Saeed Jones (@theferocity) July 9, 2013

Gabriel Snyder

Robot jerk cut me off... Chased it into parking lot. Now what do I do??? pic.twitter.com/W98jpC9dcS

— MATT DRUDGE (@DRUDGE) July 30, 2013

Eric Levenson

it is a common misconception that slugs are naturally slow moving honestly theyre just chill as hell

— YA BOY BILL NYE (@yaboybillnye) October 23, 2012

And, the classic:

Dashiell Bennett

dan abrams

— Dan Abrams (@danabrams) March 30, 2011