Ruminating On: The Top 5 Reasons I Say Merry Christmas Instead of Happy Holidays

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! Many a naughty word and much sarcasm is used in this blog post. Peace!

The Top 5 Reasons I Say Merry Christmas Instead of Happy Holidays.

#5. Because it actually bothers you. If you didn’t make such a goddamned fuss about it every year, I might not do it. No, I’m not a christian. Nope, not even remotely religious. To me, Christmas is the consumer holiday it was always meant to be. A reason to spend a metric shit-ton on your kids simply to see them brighten up for all of an hour before disappearing into their rooms, arms laden with gifts and goodies, while you trudge back to bed for a nap before leaving for your recently paroled aunt’s house where you’ll be scarfing down Xanax by the fistful and tossing furtive glances at your significant other in hopes that they catch on to you wanting to leave, posthaste. Yeah, Christmas rocks. Which brings me to…

#4. Because. It. Is. Mother. Fucking. Christmas. Not Hanukkah, not Kwanzaa, not Ramadan… Well, December 25th might share other holidays, but for me, it’s some fictional character’s birthday; the day some dude was born in manger. Because, you know, accurate calendars were a thing back in the days of wise men and skies so unpolluted that said wise men used that shit like GPS to find some cheating-ass wife’s bastard child. 

#3. Because you’re full of shit. You believe in God but think Santa is a wild concept only believed by simple-minded idiots and children. So, Merry Christmas! After all, if you need the threat of hell to make you a decent human being, you need a little more merriment in your life. Happy Holidays just isn’t going to cut it, am I right or amiright? Who am I to refuse you joviality. Have some eggnog! Merry the fuck outta this Christmas!

#2. I’ve always believed one should say what they mean and mean what they say. And I don’t mean it when I say, “Happy Holidays.” Fuck the holidays right in their cheerily splendid, rosey-red sphincters. Screw your Thanksgiving. The best part about Turkey Day is the following day. You know, Black Friday; also known as the day I get to legally trample people for a chance to get my hands on a fifty-cent crock pot or a two hundred dollar drive-in movie theater screen. Because FREEDOM!

#1. Because some people take stupid shit far too seriously. Like, for instance, this blog post. “Oh, he makes fun of people who believe in blah, blah, blah… ” Shut up. Yes, you, you entitled, doe-eyed, single-celled organism. If you find it offensive when someone challenges or picks fun at your beliefs, you need to reevaluate your situation in life. There are far better battles to fight. To quote Stephen Fry, ”It’s now very common to hear people say, ‘I’m rather offended by that.’ As if that gives them certain rights. It’s actually nothing more… than a whine. ‘I find that offensive.’ It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. ‘I am offended by that.’ Well, so fucking what.” That’s how I feel when someone says they don’t celebrate Christmas or Thanksgiving or Halloween or National Dildo Appreciation Day. It’s a fucking day. If you don’t celebrate the holiday, don’t celebrate it? Let me have my moment. Who am I hurting? You? Oh… my bad. Can I make it up to you somehow? Buy you a drink maybe? Cook you a ham? Decorate your house? Send you a card? Sing you a carol? Buy you a present?