Fall Query Extravaganza 13
Lucky number 13! This calls for some pet pictures! Sorry folks, can't resist.
Yeah, he's that weird, but it's Darwin's birthday.
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
The kitty we found now living in high style at my sister's house.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
My previous agent and I have parted ways. As such I'm querying again and wondering if you would be interested in representing my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.
While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. When the tall, dark, and annoying Addison Hatta charmed Alice into his life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er.
Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll, and Alice crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers. She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are
stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it. Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the Backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them off balance, and casting both into eternal terror.
DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All the best,
With comments:
Dear Agent, Some say a comma is fine instead of a colon so take your pick. I doubt it will make or break the query.
My previous agent and I have parted ways. I imagine this will perk up some eyes. This writer was wanted. As such I'm querying again with and wondering if you would be interested in representing I crossed this out because it seemed a little needy instead of confident. my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.Nice that this lets the agent know you are querying something new and not what the other agent might have already submitted.
While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. I'm a little torn on wanting a more specific example at the front of this sentence. When the tall, dark, and annoying (maybe 'unstable' instead of 'annoying' to show where the query takes us next. Maybe also 'non-Earthling' to prepare for the next paragraph. When the tall, dark, but unstable non-Earthling) Addison Hatta charmed Alice into this life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er. Again, I wanted a little something specific to give me a better idea of what she's dealing with. Instead Alice is up to her elbows in the blood of bystanders, the moon's hiding its face, and her partner sees enemies everywhere, even in the daycare down the block.
Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll (eventually leaves him shaking and ridden by headaches or whatever), and Alice together they cross crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers (help him? save him? Something that lets us know what she feels about her partner. Her emotion toward him is missing.). She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better(faster?) than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it (Wait, did he go with her? Better make that clear.). Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them (does this mean the worlds or the characters. Pronoun confusion.) off balance, and casting both (both characters or both worlds?) into eternal terror. (Can you be more clear on what the 'eternal terror' is? Does that mean they have to live among the Nightmares forever?) Seems like destroying the bridge would be a good thing for Earth, but I think you're saying that's not true.
DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All the best, I usually let 'thank you for your time...' handle both jobs: the thanks and the closing. Again it's subjective.
I found this query pretty clear and in good shape. What I'd like to see is Alison's feelings toward her partner. Is it a romantic thing or a loyalty thing? I'm a sucker for a romantic thing between work partners. (Castle anyone?)
Yeah, he's that weird, but it's Darwin's birthday.I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
The kitty we found now living in high style at my sister's house.As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
My previous agent and I have parted ways. As such I'm querying again and wondering if you would be interested in representing my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.
While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. When the tall, dark, and annoying Addison Hatta charmed Alice into his life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er.
Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll, and Alice crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers. She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are
stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it. Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the Backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them off balance, and casting both into eternal terror.
DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All the best,
With comments:
Dear Agent, Some say a comma is fine instead of a colon so take your pick. I doubt it will make or break the query.
My previous agent and I have parted ways. I imagine this will perk up some eyes. This writer was wanted. As such I'm querying again with and wondering if you would be interested in representing I crossed this out because it seemed a little needy instead of confident. my latest young adult novel, as well as future works of mine.Nice that this lets the agent know you are querying something new and not what the other agent might have already submitted.
While the rest of humanity slumbers, Alison Kingston spends her nights battling creatures known as Nightmares. These beastly terrors threaten to plunge the world into chaos and misery not seen since the dark ages. I'm a little torn on wanting a more specific example at the front of this sentence. When the tall, dark, and annoying (maybe 'unstable' instead of 'annoying' to show where the query takes us next. Maybe also 'non-Earthling' to prepare for the next paragraph. When the tall, dark, but unstable non-Earthling) Addison Hatta charmed Alice into this life, she expected things to be less guts more glory. Instead, the battles grow bloodier, the days darker, and her partner a little mad…—er. Again, I wanted a little something specific to give me a better idea of what she's dealing with. Instead Alice is up to her elbows in the blood of bystanders, the moon's hiding its face, and her partner sees enemies everywhere, even in the daycare down the block.
Hatta’s deteriorating mental state eventually takes a physical toll (eventually leaves him shaking and ridden by headaches or whatever), and Alice together they cross crosses into his home world of Wonderland—the realm of Dreams—to find answers (help him? save him? Something that lets us know what she feels about her partner. Her emotion toward him is missing.). She discovers a growing horror in the heart of the realm. The Nightmares are stronger there, viler, and ruled by The Black Knight, whose sharp wit and sly compliments disarm Alice better(faster?) than any weapon. With his power over the Nightmares, the Black Knight unleashes a cataclysm that threatens to devour Wonderland from the inside, and Hatta along with it (Wait, did he go with her? Better make that clear.). Countering the spell would save Addison’s life, but the backlash could shatter the bridge between worlds, throwing them (does this mean the worlds or the characters. Pronoun confusion.) off balance, and casting both (both characters or both worlds?) into eternal terror. (Can you be more clear on what the 'eternal terror' is? Does that mean they have to live among the Nightmares forever?) Seems like destroying the bridge would be a good thing for Earth, but I think you're saying that's not true.
DREAMWALKER is a young adult fantasy with series potential. The whimsy of Alice in Wonderland meets the unadulterated ass-kickery of Buffy in this story complete at 87,000 words. Per your submission guidelines, I’ve included _________. Thank you for your time and consideration.
All the best, I usually let 'thank you for your time...' handle both jobs: the thanks and the closing. Again it's subjective.
I found this query pretty clear and in good shape. What I'd like to see is Alison's feelings toward her partner. Is it a romantic thing or a loyalty thing? I'm a sucker for a romantic thing between work partners. (Castle anyone?)
No comments have been added yet.
