Dear Sparkle: How Do I Cheer Up My Unemployed Human?

Dear Sparkle,

My human had this “work” thing she had to go to every day but then suddenly it stopped. She said it was because of something called “downsizing.” I have no idea what that means, but at first I thought it was great because it meant she spent most of the day at home with me. But it has been a few weeks now and she is getting really depressed. She used to come home with toys for me all the time but now she never does and she’s starting to talk about how “bleak” the holidays are going to be. She is starting to depress me too, so is there some way to cheer her up? And what can I do about the toy situation?

Signed,

Bummed in Baltimore

Dear Bummed,

This is what comes from the human reliance on an odd an ineffective monetary system. They spend a huge portion of their waking hours doing something that is usually pretty meaningless, just so they can get a bunch of paper together — also meaningless — so they can obtain things that are necessary for their survival. I don’t understand why they never figured out how to adapt the Kitty Model to their way of life. We cats sleep more than we are awake and when we need things that are necessary for our survival, whether shelter, food or some recreational entertainment, we go directly to whatever it is and get it. Seems simple, right? But humans always have to complicate things because they think they can do it better than us kitties. And then something like this happens and it all falls apart.

But enough of my editorializing. There are two ways you can go with your situation. You can cheer up your human by entertaining her with homemade toys you come up with yourself, or you can make her so crazy that she will redouble her efforts to find another work thing, just so she can get out of the house and spend some time away from you! Actually, you can combine these two scenarios simply by your choice of homemade toys. If you use things you dig out of the trash — torn paper bags, small empty containers etc. — while using some of the near empty cat food cans and treat bags to lick and snack on, that is bound to put a little joy in your life while driving your human up a wall. You can also use small makeup containers and pens you find around the house as your homemade toys and once they inevitably get lost under the sofa or refrigerator, your human will go nuts trying to figure out where they are. Another idea: treat the blinds like mortal enemies and go in for the attack! This kind of behavior on your part may not exactly cheer up your human, but it is bound to make her forget her misery.

Actually, instead of moping around and dragging you down with her, you know what else your human could do? Maybe she should use some of that overload of free time she currently has to volunteer at her local cat rescue. That is definitely bound to make her feel better, get her out of the house so she stops depressing you, and who knows? Maybe she will meet some people who can help her find work. And then she can get back to being a cog in the ineffective human monetary system, which is what she wanted to begin with.
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Having problems with your human or the other cats in your house? As the internet’s “Dear Abby With Claws,” I have answers to many annoying problems in my two award-winning books! Visit my author’s page on Amazon to buy one or both of my awesome Dear Sparkle books!