Fall Query Extravaganza 12
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall. Right now my queue is full.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
Twelve-year old Jace Folsom may need to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy
My thoughts:
Dear Agent, There's been a rash of these lately. A colon goes here, not a comma.
Twelve-year old (all in hyphens: Twelve-year-old) Jace Folsom may ('May' weakens the sentence. Remember Yoda. Do or don't do, there is no try.) needs to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty. Tighten. because he doesn't remember puberty means sprouting wings.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus(comma) where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit. This last part is confusing me. Do you mean the creatures are extinct in Aeternus? Because they are also extinct here on Earth. Or perhaps this should say exiled? They exiled mythical creatures from Earth to Aeternus. Maybe the rest of the query will make it more clear.
I would get rid of the 'about to visit' part and wait for us to get to that point in the query.
I think I've got it now. Maybe something like this:
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus. But rabbit-headed creatures (use the real thing from your story) are crossing over to Earth to create extinctions. Where'd the dinosaurs go? Well, it wasn't an asteroid after all. And now Jace and his genetic-mutation wings are next.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Big question here. Why do the creatures want Jace's dad? It sort of sounds like they want to make dads extinct, but I'm sure that's not what you meant. It would be easier to read if you identify the creatures. When the rabbit-heads abducts Jace's dad because he's about to spill the beans, Jace and his pals must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly (Is this the wings in the first paragraph, because I would like to see the wings explained more. Right now, it feels like your hook got lost. Why does he have wings?) and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home. Save from what? You haven't spelled out the danger to the new land or why Jace is now living there. Your stakes could use a reboot.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy. A little rearranging. Complete at 48,000 words, JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION is a middle grade adventure fantasy with series potential.
I would guess this query suffers from the author being too close to the story, and trying to be short and exact. The things that got cut from the query are probably the information we needed to understand what's happening. One thing we never came back to is the wings in the first paragraph. Nor are the stakes clearly explained, or why Jace switched to a new land. Why was his dad abducted?
Don't be afraid to expand on the word count to give us these answers.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
Twelve-year old Jace Folsom may need to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy
My thoughts:
Dear Agent, There's been a rash of these lately. A colon goes here, not a comma.
Twelve-year old (all in hyphens: Twelve-year-old) Jace Folsom may ('May' weakens the sentence. Remember Yoda. Do or don't do, there is no try.) needs to pay closer attention in health studies because he doesn't remember learning about sprouting wings during puberty. Tighten. because he doesn't remember puberty means sprouting wings.
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus(comma) where all mythical creatures have been extinct to but he is about to visit. This last part is confusing me. Do you mean the creatures are extinct in Aeternus? Because they are also extinct here on Earth. Or perhaps this should say exiled? They exiled mythical creatures from Earth to Aeternus. Maybe the rest of the query will make it more clear.
I would get rid of the 'about to visit' part and wait for us to get to that point in the query.
I think I've got it now. Maybe something like this:
He also doesn't remember hearing about a world called Aeternus. But rabbit-headed creatures (use the real thing from your story) are crossing over to Earth to create extinctions. Where'd the dinosaurs go? Well, it wasn't an asteroid after all. And now Jace and his genetic-mutation wings are next.
When one of the creatures that perform the extinctions abducts his dad, Jace, his best friend, and kid brother must go on an unusual rescue mission. Big question here. Why do the creatures want Jace's dad? It sort of sounds like they want to make dads extinct, but I'm sure that's not what you meant. It would be easier to read if you identify the creatures. When the rabbit-heads abducts Jace's dad because he's about to spill the beans, Jace and his pals must go on an unusual rescue mission. Jace learns not just how to fly (Is this the wings in the first paragraph, because I would like to see the wings explained more. Right now, it feels like your hook got lost. Why does he have wings?) and master a bosk stick for defense, but what strengths lie deep within himself to save his father and this new wondrous land he now calls home. Save from what? You haven't spelled out the danger to the new land or why Jace is now living there. Your stakes could use a reboot.
JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION, complete at 48,000 words, is a middle grade, adventure- fantasy; the first in a trilogy. A little rearranging. Complete at 48,000 words, JACE FOLSOM; EXTINCTION is a middle grade adventure fantasy with series potential.
I would guess this query suffers from the author being too close to the story, and trying to be short and exact. The things that got cut from the query are probably the information we needed to understand what's happening. One thing we never came back to is the wings in the first paragraph. Nor are the stakes clearly explained, or why Jace switched to a new land. Why was his dad abducted?
Don't be afraid to expand on the word count to give us these answers.
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