Feedback Request

Below is a revised version of the query featured in Face-Lift 1161. The author would appreciate your comments.


Dear Evil Editor,
I believe that my 85,000-word historical fantasy, Avalyn, is the type novel you are looking to represent. The story of Avalyn is set in late 12th c. England.  Avalyn’s father raised her around their humble servant’s hearth, [They have a servant? Who has a hearth? That's what it sounds like. I can't find any evidence that there's something called a servant's hearth, so perhaps you mean a hearth that is used by servants, in which case the apostrophe goes after the "s."] spinning tales about the Celtic Faerie Otherworld. Though the two live in a Christian manor, his stories have eased her into her training as a Celtic shaman. In secret, the two escape [Are they prisoners? From whom are they escaping?] under the protection of the forest to practice rituals that will train her body for the occupation. [What is the occupation?] In turn she sacrifices each of her senses for a matter of days, only to have them renewed with ferocity, heightening each sense. The renewal of her senses opens her mind to the capabilities of her body, necessary for the practice. [What practice? Are you talking about the practice of the rituals that you mentioned two sentences ago? The practice of shamanism?]
             The rituals also awaken her to bodily desires, and she finds herself falling for her best friend, Dylan, an orphaned ward of the church. The two live a moment in the bliss of young love. [A moment? Define "moment."] But one night when a ritual has stripped her sense of touch, she causes a fire that claims the life of both Dylan and her father. [I see no reason to point out she had no sense of touch, when the other senses can easily detect fire. Just say she caused a fire.]           Guilt-ridden, Avalyn realizes the true sacrifices that her pagan faith has begotten. She settles into a simpler existence, and marries a good Christian man. But glimpses of her lost love, Dylan, living among Celtic Otherworld tempt her back to her Old Ways. [Why is "Old Ways" capitalized?] [Bland wrap-up. What is her goal in returning to her old ways? Does she want to dump her husband and go to this Otherworld? Does she have to die to go there? If that's her dilemma, say so.]              If you are interested, I will gladly send you my completed manuscript.