Fall Query Extravaganza 11
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Kelsey Friedman is killed each time she turns 18.
She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins, but one of the assassins can’t be born if Kelsey dies. A paradox is created and time loops—the first eighteen years of her life repeat over and over again. Her only warning is déjà vu. Until a man named James contacts her.
Claiming to be from the future, James explains the time loop to Kelsey and says he has been sent to save her and resolve the paradox. Despite her many doubts, Kelsey cooperates with James and they work to draw the assassins into a trap. But everything goes terribly wrong when it becomes clear to Kelsey that James is hiding something from her: His real mission.
WHEN TIME ENDS is a 73,000 word YA science-fiction thriller.
My thoughts:
Kelsey Friedman is killed each time she turns 18. First thoughts: This puts more questions into my head. Why use 'is killed' instead of dies? 'Each time' is interesting. I'd spell out 18-eighteen. On my second pass, I think getting something about this being a time story into the hook would be a good thing. A paradox has Kelsey Friedman doomed to be killed each time she turns eighteen.
She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins, but one of the assassins can’t be born if Kelsey dies. I want a little more information on the second part of this sentence. Why can't he be born? Maybe be more specific. She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins. Only Future Kelsey is supposed to cure one of the assassin's mother of cancer, or he won't be born. A paradox is created and time loops—the first eighteen years of her life repeat over and over again. Her only warning is déjà vu (expand just a little? Her only warning is the tingle of deja vu?). Until a man named James contacts her. All subjective, but this has me really curious. I'm eager to see more.
Claiming to be from the future, James explains the time loop to Kelsey and says he has been sent to save her and resolve the paradox (This sentence falls a little flat. Some of it I think can be left unsaid. It would be understood by the reader. I'd like a little more of their personality in this paragraph. But can she believe a dashing/crazy stranger, claiming to be visiting the past to save her life?) Despite her many doubts, Kelsey cooperates(Is there a way for more voice to show Kelsey's personality? Trusting her instincts, Kelsey rolls the dice, working with James to draw the assassins into a trap. with James(comma) and they work to draw the assassins into a trap. But everything goes terribly wrong when it's crystal clear becomes clear to Kelsey that James is hiding something from her: (a dash instead?) His real mission. Not the traditional sinker summing up the stakes sentence, but I like it. I think it works. Other opinions?
WHEN TIME ENDS is a 73,000 word YA science-fiction thriller. Good word count. Everything here you need.
Call it subjective, but I'm a sucker for this time story. I found it enticing. It's sort of refreshing that you don't use the traditional this has to happen OR this bad thing will occur. What does everyone else think?
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Kelsey Friedman is killed each time she turns 18.
She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins, but one of the assassins can’t be born if Kelsey dies. A paradox is created and time loops—the first eighteen years of her life repeat over and over again. Her only warning is déjà vu. Until a man named James contacts her.
Claiming to be from the future, James explains the time loop to Kelsey and says he has been sent to save her and resolve the paradox. Despite her many doubts, Kelsey cooperates with James and they work to draw the assassins into a trap. But everything goes terribly wrong when it becomes clear to Kelsey that James is hiding something from her: His real mission.
WHEN TIME ENDS is a 73,000 word YA science-fiction thriller.
My thoughts:
Kelsey Friedman is killed each time she turns 18. First thoughts: This puts more questions into my head. Why use 'is killed' instead of dies? 'Each time' is interesting. I'd spell out 18-eighteen. On my second pass, I think getting something about this being a time story into the hook would be a good thing. A paradox has Kelsey Friedman doomed to be killed each time she turns eighteen.
She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins, but one of the assassins can’t be born if Kelsey dies. I want a little more information on the second part of this sentence. Why can't he be born? Maybe be more specific. She is shot during her birthday party by two assassins. Only Future Kelsey is supposed to cure one of the assassin's mother of cancer, or he won't be born. A paradox is created and time loops—the first eighteen years of her life repeat over and over again. Her only warning is déjà vu (expand just a little? Her only warning is the tingle of deja vu?). Until a man named James contacts her. All subjective, but this has me really curious. I'm eager to see more.
Claiming to be from the future, James explains the time loop to Kelsey and says he has been sent to save her and resolve the paradox (This sentence falls a little flat. Some of it I think can be left unsaid. It would be understood by the reader. I'd like a little more of their personality in this paragraph. But can she believe a dashing/crazy stranger, claiming to be visiting the past to save her life?) Despite her many doubts, Kelsey cooperates(Is there a way for more voice to show Kelsey's personality? Trusting her instincts, Kelsey rolls the dice, working with James to draw the assassins into a trap. with James(comma) and they work to draw the assassins into a trap. But everything goes terribly wrong when it's crystal clear becomes clear to Kelsey that James is hiding something from her: (a dash instead?) His real mission. Not the traditional sinker summing up the stakes sentence, but I like it. I think it works. Other opinions?
WHEN TIME ENDS is a 73,000 word YA science-fiction thriller. Good word count. Everything here you need.
Call it subjective, but I'm a sucker for this time story. I found it enticing. It's sort of refreshing that you don't use the traditional this has to happen OR this bad thing will occur. What does everyone else think?
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