Beating the Feels (AKA What to Do When Things Actually Suck)
So, my husband is out of town most of this month. The way his travel and work schedule pans out he’s been gone since the 1st, is home this weekend for a little under 72 hours, and then is going to be away again until Thanksgiving morning.
Basically, it sucks donkey balls.
And yet, this is a type of donkey-ball sucking I’m accustomed to. (Yeah, that sounds dirty. I don’s care!) I’m used to my husband being gone a lot, particularly in the winter. But the problem with things that suck is they continue to be shitty even if you are used to them. Yes, this is just the way my life is. And yes—it’s annoying as fuck.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, though, about how to make my life better during these phases of sucktasticness. In fact, I’m still learning. This last bout of the husband being gone I picked up an entirely new method of dealing with my stress. Which just goes to show that no matter how much you’ve put up with something, there’s always a way to deal with it better.
So here, in no particular order, are my tricks and tips to help mitigated the effects of suckyness. Take from it as you will.
Rule #1 of Dealing with Suck: Do Not Take On More!
One of the worst things I used to do when DH was out of town was to actually pick up MORE things to do. I’d try to work MORE, take care of the kids MORE. Take on difficult projects or finally get around to fixing things around the house. OMG—this was the worse thing ever.
Seriously, when things are going to suck for reasons outside your control, the best thing you can do is make sure you don’t add to your general stress level.
Rule #2: Get Rid of Anything Unnecessary
Thinking about volunteering at your kids’ school? Or offering to run a campaign for your friend who’s running for city council?
Stop thinking about that right now, ya idiot!!!! (Unless, of course, you really enjoy those things. But don’t lie to yourself. If you don’t enjoy it, everyone around you will know it, and you’ll be one of those crazy people who creates their own problems and then wonders why they are miserable.)
Rule #3: Find Something You Like And Do The Hell Out Of It
Like the mall? Spend a lot of time there! Like gardening? Now’s a great time to plant bulbs! When my husband is out of town I spend a ton of time organizing, and even more time exercising. I cook, too, but I don’t really like cooking so much when the husband is gone because me and the kids don’t eat that much. So instead I’ve been exercising my little tuchus off.
Feeling slow in the morning? I jog around the block. Getting worried I won’t get my words written? Time for 10 minutes of yoga! And every, every, every day I go to my pretty, nice-smelling exercise place and do a 1-hour class. After pushing myself, I’m sore, sweaty, and the endorphin buzz has me feel a hundred time better.
Your mileage may vary, but everyone has something they like to do. The trick is remembering to do it!
Rule #4: Watch Your Health
The odd alcoholic indiscretion or brownie for breakfast is not going to make you want to murder your children, but over time living on coffee, sugar, and red wine will seriously impair your ability to cope. This may pertain to other people more than me, but when I feel bad physically, I feel bad emotionally. I remember several episodes when my kids were little and my husband was gone that I resorted to living on coffee and power bars—and it worked….for a few days. But after a couple weeks of that my nerves were so shot that one wrong look could send me into a fit of temper.
Rule #5: It’s Not the Situation, It’s How You Cope With It
It’s always easy to attribute our bad moods to circumstances, but when it comes to a chronic thing like a spouse being gone, or dealing with an illness, or other long-term matters of suck, most of the other stuff you’re going to get upset about is really inconsequential. Your kid not finishing their homework? On a good deal, you’ll say a few stern words and arrange to have them go in early to school to get it done.
On a bad day you might slam doors, throw things, cry, pout, threaten to give them up for adoption… The possibilities are endless.
The trick to dealing with chronic suck is to realize that although the situation may not be in your control, you DO have some degree of control over your reactions. We all control what time we go to sleep and what time we wake up. What media we chose to enjoy, how we spend whatever free time we can carve out of the day.
As for me, I’m way over worrying whether I’m spending too much time on myself with the husband is gone. There is no such thing as too much relaxation when your circumstances are inherently stressful. There is no such thing as too much “me time” when the alternative is for me to be biting my kids’ heads off every five minutes.
So next time you have something tough going on in your life, I give you permission to be utterly selfish. Take that extra bath! Drive by your favorite store and look in the window. Leave your kids with their grandparents and just go for a walk. I promise, it won’t make you Big Suck any less awful, but it’ll make all the tiny annoyances of your day fade to the background.
Cheers and Happy Reading,
Daisy
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