Radical Approach to Stop Bullying
Yesterday a video was posted on Facebook that a local 6th grade student secretly filmed of his teacher shaming and berating the class. She called them a "waste of space" and told them they were "pathetic." She then said, "Most of you need to just stay home and be homeschooled and let your parents fool with you!"
The parent who posted it highlighted the fact that we teach our children not to bully but then they get bullied by the teachers we entrust them to. I'm willing to bet this is a much bigger problem than parents realize, and I'm hoping this begins to shed some light on the disrespect that children are forced to put up with every day.
But it isn't just teachers. Parents, caregivers, coaches, and relatives bully children constantly in the name of discipline or motivation. If we don't like their behavior, we hit them or take away their most loved possessions because we can. Because we've been told that's how we teach them to be good people, by making them miserable. Then we hope the effect is that they will be compliant so we don't make them miserable again. We are constantly holding our power and authority over their heads.
My friend, Genevieve Simperingham, shared this profound truth on her page The Way of the Peaceful Parent:
"Parents are urged to punish children who “misbehave” so that the children will feel bad and guilty. Guilt is considered to be the great motivating force behind socially acceptable behaviour. The children then learn to give up their nasty, uncivilized ways because they love their parents, want to please them, and want to be loved by them.
This belief has done more harm than any other belief invented by humanity. It is one of the main reasons the world is in such a mess. It has provided justification for violence, coercion, withdrawal of love, isolation, threats, and humiliation under the guise of “discipline”. It has caused entire populations to be blindly obedient to authority figures and unable to think clearly about how to act. It has produced generations of adults who are burdened with feelings of guilt, fear and shame. It has caused children’s real needs to go unmet, producing adults who go through life trying desperately and unsuccessfully to fill their early needs, looking for someone who can love, accept, and understand them.
If we could rid ourselves of this deeply entrenched notion, if we could treat a baby from the start with an open, accepting attitude, we would be able to catch a glimpse of the real human being with a vast potential for goodness. We would see an innate tendency for physical, mental, and emotional growth, a striving to understand the world, an astounding ability to give and receive love, cooperate with other human beings, learn new skills, and acquire knowledge. We would see the capacity to reach all the higher levels of human potential.
If we were able to fill all of this baby’s needs for love, understanding, stimulation, closeness, and nourishment, and if we treated her with the utmost respect and trust, we would see her grow, not into a destructive, selfish monster, but rather into a thoughtful, intelligent, cooperative, and loving adult.
When adults have tendencies towards destructiveness or violence we must assume that they were mistreated as children. People do not act in bad, stup, or hurtful ways unless they have experienced hurtful behaviour from others, or unless their needs as children were not met. Studies of criminals have repeatedly revealed severe and early mistreatments of these individuals in an environment that lacked understanding of their feelings and needs.” Aletha Solter p.118 in "Helping Young Children Flourish"
The fact of the matter is that until we stop bullying children, children aren't going to stop bullying each other. It's a vicious cycle.
Another poignant article on this topic came from The Organic Sister. Here's a snippet of what she wrote:
"Want to know why children are becoming bullies?
Because they are being bullied. Because they are listening to someone bigger than them say things like “little assholes” and “they deserve a beating”…they are listening to someone tell them what to do and criticize them and hurt them, and they learn that’s how it works: the bigger person has the power and the right to exert that power.
Want to know why kids don’t give a rip about others?
Because they have no examples of genuine engagement and kindness in their world. It’s demanded of them before it’s shown what it even looks like. (How in the world can they give respect when they’ve never seen what that even looks like to give? They’ve only seen what it looks like to demand submission, the antithesis of respect.)
So they turn to the smaller person – maybe it’s an older woman on a bus or a gay teen or the “nerd” in class – and they exert that same power and force over them."
It's time for adults to step up to the plate here. It's time to leave the gauntlet lay and try a new approach; one where we are not holding power over children but instead are working with them, teaching them, guiding them, and most importantly setting good examples for them to follow. Radical, I know.
It's easier to just hold our authority over their heads, isn't it? It's easier to say "do as I say, not as I do."
That's a cop out. Plain and simple.
I've read countless comments from parents who say they expect their children to be better and do better than them. WHY? Why should a CHILD who has been in this world for so short a time be expected to control their emotions and behaviors better than fully matured ADULTS? We have to put the work into BEING what we want them to be, and that means a lot of hard self work sometimes. We have to learn to discipline ourselves, to watch our tongues, to control our anger, and that's a lot harder than barking commands, but it's also a lot more effective, because children don't listen to what we say, they watch who we are. They imitate us. Let's give them compassion to imitate, kindness to imitate, gentleness to imitate, acceptance to imitate. We need to stop being their judges, juries, and punishers and start being their leaders, role models, encouragers, and supporters. We have to stop being big ole bullies.
Only then will see the bullying problem erased and a better society emerge.
The parent who posted it highlighted the fact that we teach our children not to bully but then they get bullied by the teachers we entrust them to. I'm willing to bet this is a much bigger problem than parents realize, and I'm hoping this begins to shed some light on the disrespect that children are forced to put up with every day.
But it isn't just teachers. Parents, caregivers, coaches, and relatives bully children constantly in the name of discipline or motivation. If we don't like their behavior, we hit them or take away their most loved possessions because we can. Because we've been told that's how we teach them to be good people, by making them miserable. Then we hope the effect is that they will be compliant so we don't make them miserable again. We are constantly holding our power and authority over their heads.
My friend, Genevieve Simperingham, shared this profound truth on her page The Way of the Peaceful Parent:
"Parents are urged to punish children who “misbehave” so that the children will feel bad and guilty. Guilt is considered to be the great motivating force behind socially acceptable behaviour. The children then learn to give up their nasty, uncivilized ways because they love their parents, want to please them, and want to be loved by them.
This belief has done more harm than any other belief invented by humanity. It is one of the main reasons the world is in such a mess. It has provided justification for violence, coercion, withdrawal of love, isolation, threats, and humiliation under the guise of “discipline”. It has caused entire populations to be blindly obedient to authority figures and unable to think clearly about how to act. It has produced generations of adults who are burdened with feelings of guilt, fear and shame. It has caused children’s real needs to go unmet, producing adults who go through life trying desperately and unsuccessfully to fill their early needs, looking for someone who can love, accept, and understand them.
If we could rid ourselves of this deeply entrenched notion, if we could treat a baby from the start with an open, accepting attitude, we would be able to catch a glimpse of the real human being with a vast potential for goodness. We would see an innate tendency for physical, mental, and emotional growth, a striving to understand the world, an astounding ability to give and receive love, cooperate with other human beings, learn new skills, and acquire knowledge. We would see the capacity to reach all the higher levels of human potential.
If we were able to fill all of this baby’s needs for love, understanding, stimulation, closeness, and nourishment, and if we treated her with the utmost respect and trust, we would see her grow, not into a destructive, selfish monster, but rather into a thoughtful, intelligent, cooperative, and loving adult.
When adults have tendencies towards destructiveness or violence we must assume that they were mistreated as children. People do not act in bad, stup, or hurtful ways unless they have experienced hurtful behaviour from others, or unless their needs as children were not met. Studies of criminals have repeatedly revealed severe and early mistreatments of these individuals in an environment that lacked understanding of their feelings and needs.” Aletha Solter p.118 in "Helping Young Children Flourish"
The fact of the matter is that until we stop bullying children, children aren't going to stop bullying each other. It's a vicious cycle.
Another poignant article on this topic came from The Organic Sister. Here's a snippet of what she wrote:
"Want to know why children are becoming bullies?
Because they are being bullied. Because they are listening to someone bigger than them say things like “little assholes” and “they deserve a beating”…they are listening to someone tell them what to do and criticize them and hurt them, and they learn that’s how it works: the bigger person has the power and the right to exert that power.
Want to know why kids don’t give a rip about others?
Because they have no examples of genuine engagement and kindness in their world. It’s demanded of them before it’s shown what it even looks like. (How in the world can they give respect when they’ve never seen what that even looks like to give? They’ve only seen what it looks like to demand submission, the antithesis of respect.)
So they turn to the smaller person – maybe it’s an older woman on a bus or a gay teen or the “nerd” in class – and they exert that same power and force over them."
It's time for adults to step up to the plate here. It's time to leave the gauntlet lay and try a new approach; one where we are not holding power over children but instead are working with them, teaching them, guiding them, and most importantly setting good examples for them to follow. Radical, I know.
It's easier to just hold our authority over their heads, isn't it? It's easier to say "do as I say, not as I do."
That's a cop out. Plain and simple.
I've read countless comments from parents who say they expect their children to be better and do better than them. WHY? Why should a CHILD who has been in this world for so short a time be expected to control their emotions and behaviors better than fully matured ADULTS? We have to put the work into BEING what we want them to be, and that means a lot of hard self work sometimes. We have to learn to discipline ourselves, to watch our tongues, to control our anger, and that's a lot harder than barking commands, but it's also a lot more effective, because children don't listen to what we say, they watch who we are. They imitate us. Let's give them compassion to imitate, kindness to imitate, gentleness to imitate, acceptance to imitate. We need to stop being their judges, juries, and punishers and start being their leaders, role models, encouragers, and supporters. We have to stop being big ole bullies.
Only then will see the bullying problem erased and a better society emerge.
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