Fall Query Extravaganza 10
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear ,
Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes.
Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky.
Meet Ky. He's a waste, a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from high school days gone bad. Ky's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.
But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.
Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, is him.
At 99, 694 words, Finding Her Way Back is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them.
I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email.
Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
With my crazy comments:
Dear , Colon for a business letter.
Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. I'm not crazy about the introduction. It's totally a subjective call, but I'd go with something like: Eighteen-year-old Callie fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. (Hoping you explain the tennis shoe thing farther down the query. If not consider putting an adjective before tennis shoes to help explain. ugly tennis shoes or required tennis shoes)
Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. Great voice is why I picked this for Nightmare on Query Street. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky. This sentence is a mouthful. Maybe slim it down by breaking it up. With her she-devil sister Anna's nuptials from hell on the horizon, Callie is put on a strict regiment of do this and go here. Being a bridesmaid/slave makes it hard to dodge her once skinny-skater best friend, turned sex god, Ky.
Meet Ky. Again subjective, but don't love the introduction. He's a waste (maybe cut this one and let the reader deduce it), a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from wasted high school days gone bad. Ky's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis (Eh? Not sure what this means. It's possible I'm too old to get the reference. :-)) in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.
But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long (maybe hyphen? Any English majors out there? four-year-long) dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.
Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, (maybe a dash) is him.
At 99, 694 words (round to 100K or cut enough words to call it 99K), Finding Her Way Back (all capitals) is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back It may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect (hyphenate not-so-perfect) heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them. (I'm on the fence about the last sentence. Your query letter should demonstrate these qualities to the reader so you don't have to list them. What is usually seen here is a comparable current book title.)
I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email. I'd probably cut all this but the last sentence, which can fit up above. You don't want to come across as a cheerleader for your own story. Plus, you're reaching dangerous territory of telling more about the story here then you do in the paragraphs about the book. It's like you're not sure the earlier paragraphs are good enough. Give yourself credit for a strong query.
Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline, Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
This query already is fantastic--with tons of voice! I like how quirky details tell me something about the characters. Getting the details in there are so important. The stakes aren't huge, but for a romance they seem to fit. These characters make me want to know more about them. I'd say the query does it's job of enticing.
This story has actually got an offer from a great publisher, proving it is a strong query! Congrats!
Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear ,
Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes.
Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky.
Meet Ky. He's a waste, a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from high school days gone bad. Ky's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.
But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.
Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, is him.
At 99, 694 words, Finding Her Way Back is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them.
I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email.
Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
With my crazy comments:
Dear , Colon for a business letter.
Meet Callie. She’s eighteen, quirky, fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. I'm not crazy about the introduction. It's totally a subjective call, but I'd go with something like: Eighteen-year-old Callie fears high heels and commitments. She also has a serious love/hate relationship with her tennis shoes. (Hoping you explain the tennis shoe thing farther down the query. If not consider putting an adjective before tennis shoes to help explain. ugly tennis shoes or required tennis shoes)
Nine months of college down the drain, and all Callie has to show for it is her freshman thirty. But alas, life still has other crap plans for her. Great voice is why I picked this for Nightmare on Query Street. With a set of upcoming nuptials from hell on the horizon, for her she–devil, sister Anna, Callie is put on a strict regimen of do this do that, while relentlessly trying to avoid her once skinny–skater–boy, turned sex–god, ex best friend, Ky. This sentence is a mouthful. Maybe slim it down by breaking it up. With her she-devil sister Anna's nuptials from hell on the horizon, Callie is put on a strict regiment of do this and go here. Being a bridesmaid/slave makes it hard to dodge her once skinny-skater best friend, turned sex god, Ky.
Meet Ky. Again subjective, but don't love the introduction. He's a waste (maybe cut this one and let the reader deduce it), a mechanic and a country music singer, minus the lyrics. A boy turned man with a proverbial skateboard still hung around his neck from wasted high school days gone bad. Ky's lost, and he’d be the first to admit it. But the moment Calla Lily returns home––with cemented penis (Eh? Not sure what this means. It's possible I'm too old to get the reference. :-)) in hand––he realizes she’s exactly the muse he’s been missing.
But what do you do when life isn’t giving you what you demand of it? Well, you steal its running shoes, grab the girl of your four year long (maybe hyphen? Any English majors out there? four-year-long) dreams, and take what’s been meant for you all along.
Well, that’s Ky’s theory anyway.It's just too bad Callie can't stop running away long enough to realize what she needs, (maybe a dash) is him.
At 99, 694 words (round to 100K or cut enough words to call it 99K), Finding Her Way Back (all capitals) is my new adult, contemporary romance novel. Finding Her Way Back It may appeal to readers who love a little bit of angst, adore second chance romances, and admire the not so perfect (hyphenate not-so-perfect) heroine, who has zero qualms about telling people what she thinks of them. (I'm on the fence about the last sentence. Your query letter should demonstrate these qualities to the reader so you don't have to list them. What is usually seen here is a comparable current book title.)
I'm currently seeking representation for Finding Her Way back, and am hoping that you would be willing to take a chance on my fun-loving, hilarious characters. Per your submission guidelines I have pasted my synopsis and first five pages onto this email. I'd probably cut all this but the last sentence, which can fit up above. You don't want to come across as a cheerleader for your own story. Plus, you're reaching dangerous territory of telling more about the story here then you do in the paragraphs about the book. It's like you're not sure the earlier paragraphs are good enough. Give yourself credit for a strong query.
Finding Her Way Back is my fifth completed novel. Three of which are currently published through a small house entitled Sunshine Press. I am an active member of my local RWA in Moline, Illinois, and a member of the Midwest Writing Center in Davenport Iowa.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
This query already is fantastic--with tons of voice! I like how quirky details tell me something about the characters. Getting the details in there are so important. The stakes aren't huge, but for a romance they seem to fit. These characters make me want to know more about them. I'd say the query does it's job of enticing.
This story has actually got an offer from a great publisher, proving it is a strong query! Congrats!
No comments have been added yet.
