Thor II: Into Your Wallet Again

Like its predecessor, Thor, Thor II: Into Your Wallet Again is a nice, fun, thoroughly cheesy popcorn flick that once again manages to criminally underuse both Anthony Hopkins and Idris Elba, though Hopkins at least seems to be thinking, eh, got my Oscars already, ha ha.

And, like its predecessor, it was in desperate need of snark:


Film OPENS with a warning that very, very soon, Keanu Reeves will be RESCUING VARIOUS RONIN *, before allowing the AUDIENCE TO RECOVER with BETTER TRAILERS before the ACTUAL FILM starts up.

Marvel: And to HELP you recover from that Keanu Reeves moment, which we KNOW will be tricky, we'll change our opening credits just a bit. This will not be NEARLY as spectacular for those of you watching in 2-D, but Keanu Reeves forces us all to MAKE SACRIFICES.

Film: And now, time for a nice introductory voiceover in a lovely British accent, since British accents are slightly more convincing for this sort of thing and wow, are you guys ever going to need convincing. Back in the past, everything was DARK, DARK, DARK.

Evil Elves: And we LIKED IT ALL DARK. So we're going to KEEP IT THAT WAY, because DARK. Yes, that's our ENTIRE MOTIVATION.

Voiceover: Which is TOTALLY believable because it's TOLD IN A BRITISH ACCENT.

Audience: Or....not.

Film: What if we have some nice fake computer Elves face nice fake computer Asgardians?

Audience: I dunno. It all seems a little unreal.

Evil Elves: Dark, dark, dark! Eternal night! Evil GOO! DARK DARK. UNLEASH THE EVIL GOO!

Evil GOO, which is REMARKABLY BRIGHT given that it is COMING FROM CREATURES who want everything to be DARK DARK DARK, SPREADS towards the Nine Realms!

Film: Er. Let's not blow our entire animation budget TOO quickly here.

Evil Elves: Ok, to speed things along, we'll just all, uh, die.

Audience: Isn't this a BIT early to kill off all the evil guys?

Asgardians: Not to worry! We shall BURY this EVIL GOO, which we shall call AETHER and the rest of you will call ANIMATED EVIL GOO, because burying things so they can never be found is always a fool proof technique!

Five thousand years or so later, Loki STALKS across a throne room in some very nice chains towards Frigga and Odin.

Loki: Ooooh, Mother! Dare I hope your presence here and the chains means something kinky?

Frigga: Alas, we are now Disney owned. Don't make this worse, Loki.

Odin: Loki, frankly, as a son, you kinda suck.

Loki: I was just trying to be a benevolent god! Do you know how many people believe that destroying New York puts me in that category? Anyway, enough of this! I want my birthright.

Odin: Which would be death. Sorry, you're not getting that.

Loki: Why not?

Odin: Because we have realized you look AMAZING in glass walled prisons.

Film: This is dull. Time for an action sequence!

The Warriors Three and Sif: So, here we are, warring away, oddly enough using swords and maces even though later on it will become obvious that we have LASER GUNS and SPACESHIPS. It's not exactly clear why we are doing the manual fighting thing here.

Sif: It does show off that I still look awesome in boots.

Zachary Levi as Fandral: And helps hide that I'm taking over for the previous actor in this part, who was charming, but...ahem.**

Thor: Here I come to save the day!

Sif: Everything was under control!

Thor: Also on fire. Which is odd given that none of you were using your laser weapons.

Sif: Still!

Thor: Look, it's not EXACTLY that I'm trying to steal your thunder here, but after two movies of me swaggering around and being completely awesome, the audience needs to see me swagger around and fight or they will LAUGH THEMSELVES TO DEATH over my SILLY SILLY COSTUME.

Sif: You know, you could take that off and –

Thor: Alas, Sif, in this film, SHIRTLESS MOMENTS are reserved for MOMENTS WHEN I AM NEAR A TUB.

Big Hulking Giant Thing: Hey, mind if I interrupt this for some killing?

Thor: Not if you don't mind me taking this moment for some foreshadowing dialogue!

Big Hulking Giant Thing: Go right ahead!

Thor: Surrender! Also, hammer thing going everywhere!

Everyone KNEELS.

Hogun, one of the Warriors Three: Well, this was awfully fun, but I'm pretty much going to have to bow out of the rest of the movie because....because.....because this movie has a lot of other characters.

Thor: Works for me! And now, off to Asgard!

Odin: Thor! Awesome on the killing thing. And now, can I suggest that you stop mooning over Mortal Jane Natalie Portman and focus on what's in front of you, namely, Sif of the Rockin' Boots?

Sif obligingly ROCKS in her BOOTS.

Thor: Or, I could have a slow, lingering bath scene with some gratuitous shirtlessness.

Much of the audience: So not gratuitous.

Sif: I'm STILL WEARING BOOTS HERE. Also, I am awesome.

Everyone FEASTS except for THOR who is ALL SAD despite having an AWESOME FRIEND LIKE SIF who is EVEN EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTIVE. Meanwhile, back in London, Jane Natalie Portman is TRYING to GO ON A DATE.

London: Wait, what?

Film: We figured you'd have the rainy background needed for a movie about a Thunder God.

London: Excellent point. Carry on, then!

Jane Natalie Portman: Although in the last film I was a relatively confident astrophysicist without a trace of social awkwardness, here, I am hiding behind my menu in a desperate attempt to stave off conversation with a cute guy, to convince the audience that I, too, have never forgotten Thor, even IF I can't show this by rising up from a bathtub GLISTENING with WATER.

Jane Natalie Portman's date: And I'll just fill in with some awkward lines until the plot gets rolling again.

Darcy: And to get that plot rolling, here I am with technobabble.

Jane Natalie Portman: It's my first hint of seeing Thor in two years! Not to mention a chance at a publishable paper! And yet – my date! MY AWKWARD DATE!

Jane Natalie Portman's date: Oh, go ahead. I'll still be here for the improbable coincidences later.

Jane Natalie Portman: So, how are things, where is Eric, who is this?

Cut to ERIC running around Stonehenge WITHOUT his clothes, FREAKING OUT THE TOURISTS.

Intern Ian: Hi, I'm intern Ian. I'm here to be the comic relief and also give Darcy a love interest who isn't Loki.

Certain sections of the Internet: SNIFFLE.

Darcy: So, anyway, while you the supposed scientist were awkward dating and Eric the supposed scientist was awkward Stonehenging, I, the non scientist, managed to notice this anomaly thing, which conveniently enough is happening in a section of London populated only by Adorable Kids.

Adorable Kids: Watch us drop things in the air to have them sort of vanish into an invisible thing to have them vanish and drop down again! And then let's do this again! And again! And again!

Audience: Er.

Film: Look, that's the hands down cheapest special effects shot of the film. Don't blame us for milking it. Plus, it's related to a PLOT point.

Audience: What plot point?

Film: This SET OF CAR KEYS, seemingly CARELESSLY DROPPED into the invisible abyss, a perfect if INCOMPREHENSIBLE Chekhov's gun for later and an amusing joke now!

Jane Natalie Portman: Well, all this dropping things is getting kinda dull. Let me go exploring. After all, what are the odds that after a long, long series of strange and odd occurrences well documented in numerous movies that I will get sucked into a vortex thingy and taken to some Evil Goo?

Jane Natalie Portman is SUCKED into a vortex thingy and taken to where the Asgardians HID the Evil Goo a few scenes back.

Jane Natalie Portman: Although, to remind you, I am theoretically a scientist, and also have done some work with S.H.I.E.L.D. so I should know better, I shall put my hand BETWEEN two VERY LARGE blocks of granite towards some Red Goo. This should go well.

Evil Goo comes out and kinda but not really EATS Jane. The entire sequence is so MAGNIFICENTLY UNBELIEVABLE that various Evil Elves WAKE UP IN PROTEST.

Heimdahl: The Convergence is coming, yay! I suppose I should give you some exposition about it since it will be the basis for a later action scene.

Thor: That was all very nice, but, I miss Jane. Where is she?

Heimdahl: You know, although usually I can see 9 trillion souls or whatever the number is that the script feels like throwing at me next, I honestly can't tell.

Jane: That's because I'm stuck inside some computer animation! HELP!

Jane WAKES UP on a COLD CONCRETE FLOOR, to discover that Darcy has CALLED THE COPS.

Jane: Why? You KNOW ordinary cops can NEVER HELP in situations like this.

Darcy: Well, you were gone for five hours. Five, ha ha, five. That's a number we will be using a lot in this film only to have it end up having pretty much no significance whatsoever. Anyway, is it just me, or is this rain strangely circular?

Thor: Hello, Jane, oh love of my life. Let's both try to sell that.

Jane SLAPS Thor.

Thor: Not sure that's the best way to convince the audience we're in love.

Jane: You fought bad dudes in New York and didn't even call me.

Thor: To be fair, the budget of the last film was already, how shall I put it, strained. More importantly for right now, if we linger on this thought, the audience might not buy our Eternal and Amazing Love. So, since we are both very good looking, let's make out!

Cops: Er, we're still here. Jane Natalie Portman, we are putting you under arrest. For Reasons.

Jane: And those reasons are?

Cops: So you can unconsciously ZAP US, showing Thor that SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG, giving him an excuse to TAKE YOU TO ASGARD.

Evil Elves: No one ever comes up with an excuse like that to take US to Asgard. In response, we must sulk some more. Dark! Dark! Dark! Go dark!

Jane: Well, that was fun. And, well, wow, I'm awfully calm for an astrophysicist stepping on another planet in another realm for the first time. I ask again, where exactly did I earn my supposed doctorate from?

Odin: Thor! Send her back to Earth!

Thor: But she's infected with RED GOO!

Odin: Like that's MY PROBLEM.

Thor: The doctors of earth will never solve this!

Odin: That's true. Asgard is so superior to Earth, our illuminated manuscripts are even ANIMATED. Not that this will keep me from doing MORE EXPOSITION. By the way, the Evil Elves are dead. Very, very very dead.

Evil Elves busily make MORE EVIL ELVES and make ONE EVIL ELF even MORE EVIL by CALLING HIM Kursed. DARK! DARK!

Odin: Well, at least we can agree that their CREATIVITY is dead.

Kursed: So, here I am, just casually, you know, strolling through the dungeons of Asgard, as you do, pretending to be a nice prisoner sort.

Frigga: Here, Loki, have some books.

Loki: Sulk. I wanna be a king, not a librarian!

Frigga: I was kinda hoping for more of a sense of guilt here.

Loki: Well, it's not like you're really my mother ANYWAY.

Frigga: Well, on that cheerful note, I'll just vanish for a bit.

Thor and Jane: Time for a ROMANTIC moment by a lake and MAKING OUT.

Kursed: That's dull. Time for me to liven things up for breaking me out of prison.

Loki: And wake me up from my nap? You're not just Evil, you're Inconsiderate.

Kursed: EXPLODES things adding LIGHT everywhere which is KINDA ODD given the whole DARK DARK DARK ETERNAL NIGHT thingy the Evil Elves have going on but to be fair the name Kursed might be GETTING TO HIM. Warriors Two RUSH DOWN to the DUNGEONS surprised to find that the prisoners AREN'T THRILLED TO BE THERE and are REVOLTING. Loki READS A BOOK (really.) Sif and Jane EXCHANGE GLANCES which would be MORE MEANINGFUL if we didn't know that SIF WILL LIVE FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS and can DO HER NAILS while WAITING FOR JANE TO DIE in a few years plus SIF STILL HAS REALLY AWESOME FOOTWEAR.

Heimdahl: Well, it's about time for me to have a nice action sequence. Allow me to CUT THROUGH the EVIL ELF SHIP which has arrived just as the DUNGEONS ARE BREAKING LOOSE kinda making me wonder if, given that the Evil Elves have SPACESHIPS, why they bothered to SNEAK AN EVIL ELF INTO THE DUNGEON.

Loki: It does give the camera an excuse to SWEEP OVER MY FACE.

Heimdahl: Good point.

Evil Elves start KILLING Asgardians left and right, which might have MORE EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE if we KNEW WHO ANY OF THEM WERE and if the backgrounds DID NOT LOOK SO FAKE. Their EVIL SHIPS start blowing things up, using REMARKABLY ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY for CREATURES WHO WERE SUPPOSEDLY ASLEEP OR DEAD for FIVE THOSAND YEARS.

Evil Elf: Hand over Jane Natalie Portman and her Evil Goo, Frigga!

Frigga, or as I persist in seeing her as, a remarkably hot Rene Russo: While I have a sword AND illusions I can cast? NO WAY.

Frigga TRICKS the Evil Elves who are SO MAD at this that they DRIVE a spear through her, which REALLY PISSES THOR OFF, because INVASION and EVIL GOO were NOT ENOUGH. Evil Elves FLY OFF without the goo as EVERYONE LEFT IN ASGARD LOOKS VERY SAD.

My brother: Rene Russo gets killed or at least hit a lot. I find this sad. How is she ever going to find eternal happiness with the golfing guy on Tin Cup.

Asgardians: Well, we might just have survived a major invasion that BLEW LOTS OF STUFF UP but THE MAJOR NECESSARY REPAIRS from that are NO REASON NOT TO HAVE an ELABORATE funeral complete with FLAMING THINGS and LITTLE BALLS OF LIGHT floating up up into the air as other things TUMBLE DOWN THE WATERFALL TO....ACTUALLY WHERE DOES THAT WATERFALL GO? Are we recycling the water like good environmentally responsible little Asgardians or are we just LETTING IT FALL DOWN and FLOOD ALL NEARBY PLANETS AND STARS thus KILLING EVERYONE BELOW? No WONDER the Evil Elves want to KILL US.

Evil Elves: Also, dark. Dark. Dark.

Eric: Meanwhile, allow me to take a moment to try to remind everyone about the PLOT OF THE FILM, even if the only person listening is STAN LEE who just WANTS HIS SHOE BACK.

TOTAL SIDENOTE: Although it's actually a shoe, I originally wrote "show" there. Which...well. Back to the snark!

Evil Elf: HEAL, oh Kursed! We need your strength! The sky is GOING RED which is TOTALLY AGAINST the DARK MOTIF we're TRYING TO WORK HERE.

Fandral: So, not to panic anyone, but basically, we have no defenses left in Asgard.

Thor: Which means our ONLY HOPE is to take Jane and the Evil Goo to the DARK WORLD!

Evil Elves: We're behind this plan, like totally.

Odin: Thor, I see that two previous movies have FAILED to teach you ANY COMMON SENSE. Or ME anything about FATHERHOOD. Regardless of our mutual need to WORK ON OUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS so that NO ONE ELSE GETS KILLED, I am telling you now: Don't take the Evil Goo to the Bad Guys! Like, seriously! Except I shall do this in a way guaranteed to get your Thorness all going. It's almost as if I WANT you to take the Evil Goo to the Bad Guys.

Thor: Ok, everyone, let's plan this. We'll need Loki.

Everyone: Bad idea.

Thor: No, really.

Everyone: Why?

Thor: The other comedy relief characters are back on earth, and we are KINDA in a RUSH.

Loki: You SERIOUSLY must be desperate.

Thor: That's a given. But Loki, I can grant you vengeance! Lots of vengeance.

Loki: Now you're talking. When do we start? And do you mind if I change you into Sif?

Thor: Sif doesn't have my hammer.

Loki: Well, what if I turn into Captain America?

Thor: Not exactly convincing. Here. Handcuffs.

Loki: Oooh, you're taking over my Trickster stuff. I'm almost jealous. Who is this?

Jane: Apparently my other role in this film is to greet everyone by slapping them, so, hi, Loki!

Thor: And now that that's all taken care of, time to escape to the land of the Evil Elves to give them the Evil Goo even though the Evil Elves probably want us there and came here for the Evil Goo an – you know what, time for a chase scene with plenty of snark from Loki.

Loki: That I can do. Thor, you are a terrible pilot.

Thor: It's a very old ship! With, may I again note, remarkably advanced technology given the 5000 year hibernation thingy! But let's jump off it and get into the ship without a roof, so Jane who is now MOSTLY PASSED OUT can SNUGGLE ADORABLY in some ASGARDIAN BLANKETS that I just HAPPENED TO HAVE ALONG.

Loki: A signal for a mean conversation about Mom.

Thor: Well, we had to do something on our way to Evil Goo Destruction. Loki, I wish I could trust you.

Loki: You CAN trust my hate.

Thor: Well, that's something.

London: Er, can we get back in the plot now before the audience forgets about us entirely?

Film: Sure! And given all of the issues we had filming a naked man running around Stonehenge, let's show you that footage again.

Jane: All of this NAKED RUNNING AROUND without ADEQUATE COFFEE is giving me EVIL EYES.

Thor: Auugh! Jane has EVIL EYES! Quick! Let's jump off our BEST ESCAPE ROUTE, this SHIP, and TAKE the STUMBLING, HELPLESS, JANE and her EVIL GOO to the EVIL ELVES. Wait. I'm supposed to be in love with Jane, right?

Evil Elves: We don't care about your relationship issues. Evil Goo! Dark! Evil Goo!

Loki: Let me help by stabbing Thor and SLICING OFF HIS HAND. Or, as it happens, an ILLUSION OF THOR, but either is fun.

Thor: HAMMER ON!

Jane: COLLAPSE.

Evil Elves: WE GOT THE EVIL GOO! GO US!

Evil Elf: That was a stunningly bad plan, and to drive in just how bad it was, I think I shall KILL LOKI.

Thor: No! No! Oh, Loki! My BELOVED BROTHER! A RED SUN RISES.

Audience: Er, Thor, this is all very touching and all, but you do remember that this IS Loki?

Loki: Hush. Don't spoil the ending!

Jane: Well, this is a pickle. Here we are, on a cold, dead, but surprisingly not really all THAT dark planet, without a working spaceship or way to get off the planet. If only some sort of PLOT CONTRIVANCE can SAVE US!

Jane's CELLPHONE RINGS.

Jane's DATE from EARLIER IN THE FILM: So, how are things going?

Jane: I have GOT to get out on your cell phone plan. Who the HELL is your carrier?

Jane and Thor FOLLOW the convenient CELL PHONE signal THROUGH THE CAVE and INTO LONDON, stopping to PICK UP THE CHEKHOV'S GUN CAR KEYS that bounced into the cave several scenes ago.

Eric: So, good to see you both, how's Loki?

Thor: Dead.

Eric: Yay! Well, that was a touch embarrassing.

Thor: Ok, enough exposition! Bad things are coming –

Eric: And to understand WHY, you need EXPOSITION! I KNOW! If it helps, I shall do THIS particular exposition WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON.

Jane: Although the script keeps saying that I am an ASTROPHYSICIST, I shall now utter the actual phrase: "PHYSICS WILL GO BALLISTIC."

Actual physicists everywhere: Drink, please!

Eric: Meanwhile, let me draw wild lines to show that the final confrontation will be in Greenwich, which, by an AMAZING COINCIDENCE just HAPPENS TO BE only 15 minutes away from WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.

Fortunately for the IMPROBABLE COINCIDENCE of this, the EVIL ELVES LAND IN GREENWICH. Thor FIGHTS Evil Elf with NO REGARD for HISTORICAL or PERSONAL PROPERTY as delighted HUMANS take LOTS AND LOTS of VIDEO to put up on YouTube later.

Eric, Darcy, Intern and Jane: Meanwhile, although the movie has CONSTANTLY REMINDED US of the INFERIORITY OF EARTH SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY, and although we still believe that PHYSICS CAN GO BALLISTIC, we will RUN AROUND putting up METAL THINGS that will STOP THE CONVERGENCE of NINE REALMS or at least STOP THE EVIL GOO or at least STOP SOMETHING. It's not entirely clear.

Thor and Evil Elf: Meanwhile, we'll just HOP through a few realms here and there as my HAMMER TRIES DESPERATELY TO KEEP UP, including the REALM OF THE FROST GIANTS which is all NICE AND DARK making it UNCLEAR WHY the Evil Elves DON'T JUST GO THERE.

Evil Elf: The reason would require STILL MORE EXPOSITION.

Thor: Fair enough! Is this, by chance, the Charing Cross Subway Station?

Passengers: Er, yes.

Thor: How kind of the dimension hopping convergence thing to leave me at this subway that can take me to Greenwich in minutes instantly instead of, saying, dumping me in Death Valley.

Military planes ARRIVE and start ZIPPING THROUGH DIMENSIONS.

Everyone: That reminds us. Where is S.H.I.E.L.D.?

Disappointed S.H.I.E.L.D. fans: Trust us, if Tuesday nights are any indication, we are all better off.

Finding all of this WANTON DESTRUCTION TERRIBLY BORING, Darcy and the intern MAKE OUT.

Evil Elf: Let me SUMMON the NINE REALMS who are KINDA SHOWING UP ANYWAY as BIG GLOWING PATCHES IN THE SKY! Thor! Now that we have fought through several universes and slammed on top of INNOCENT LONDON BUILDINGS have you come to witness the END OF YOUR UNIVERSE?

Thor: No, I've come to give a callback to an earlier moment of dialogue in the film. Also, to have my DRAMATIC MOMENT.

Thor has his DRAMATIC MOMENT of NEAR DEATH as Jane's METAL THINGIES finally DEFY SCIENCE, or AT LEAST EVIL GOO, and ZAP EVERYTHING SENDING the EVIL ELVES back to the EVIL DIMENSION.

Darcy: Well, that was fun. And Jane, I'm sure Thor will be back.

Jane: It took him two years last time!

Darcy: Well, maybe he'll be back at the end of the credits!

Jane: Which will FEEL LIKE TWO YEARS!

Thor: Oh, Odin my father, in the last film, I learned about coffee, heroism, how good I look in a wet T-shirt clinging to my skin when I stand in the rain, smashing cups, and True Love. In this film I've learned that I'm a LOUSY KING. I think I should go back to the coffee.

Odin: Fair enough! Don't bother to write.

Thor: Although I should find this sudden acquiescence suspicious, it IS being delivered in the dulcet tones of Anthony Hopkins, and it has been a long time since coffee. See ya, dad.

Loki: If only all of my enemies could be this clueless.



* Seriously, I realize Keanu Reeves has been in films that have made a lot of money, but who the hell thought this was a good idea?

** Certain jokes are destined. Even if they can only be made Once.