Why Being Thick-Skinned Isn't Good for Artists

I get so tired of people telling writers (in particular, women writers) that they need to develop a “thick skin” about being rejected. You just have to stop feeling so bad about people hating your work, the idea is. You have to believe in yourself anyway. Well, it’s awfully hard to believe in yourself when you have no one around you who believes in you, and no support structure in place to help you keep going. It’s hard enough to be a writer when you know where your next meal is coming from and your parents are eager to read your next book. It’s another level of hard when you are working horrible hours and no one around you thinks you should be a writer.

When I was in grad school, the first semester I was there, I was engaged to my now-husband, who lived two thousand miles away. We would talk on the phone at all hours of the day and night, and in addition, I kept flying out to try to get arrangements for the wedding taken care of. It was a wonderful time in my life. It was also a very stressful time in my life. I had three long essays due in my three big classes at the end of my honeymoon. They were the sole basis of my grade. I wrote those papers and just gritted my teeth. They weren’t my best work, but I turned them in and when they came back to me with comments, I didn’t want to read them. So I didn’t. For four months, until my husband found them, saw that they were still unopened, and was horrified. He read the papers, calling out comments to me, and then I promptly took the papers and threw them into the incinerator. I hate criticism that much. And you know what? I still hate it.

I am still thin-skinned and I believe that makes me a good writer. A thick-skinned person is someone who stops listening to other people who truly challenge his assumptions. A thick-skinned person thinks he is right all the time. A thick-skinned person sticks around like-minded people. A thick-skinned person doesn’t read books that hurt deeply. A thick-skinned person isn’t someone who sees two points of view at the same time and can examine them and agree with both of them for different reasons.

If I can’t hear other voices, how can I write other voices other than me? If I don’t feel pain, how can I write about pain? If I don’t challenge assumptions, how can I write really ground-breaking work? I don’t believe that I can, and that is why I think being thick-skinned isn’t something I’m going to aim for.

It’s true that I have become used to rejection. I don’t seek it out. I am aware that there are bad reviews of my books out there. I try to stay away from them. I don’t tell everyone everything about myself because I don’t need to hear criticism of my most vulnerable self at all moments. But I think this is different than being thick-skinned.

Be thin-skinned. Don’t flay yourself, OK? But feel. Hurt. Write vulnerably. Share with people who do not always agree with you.

This post was in part inspired by the following quote from Malinda Lo:

"I don’t believe that creative individuals should have to grow thicker skins. I believe that if you’re out there creating art, you should make sure you’re as open and thin-skinned as possible, so that you can feel every damn thing that arises in you.”

http://the-toast.net/2013/11/12/second-female-author-talks-sexism-self-promotion/