Fall Query Extravaganza 9
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Once again my query queue is full. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Coby married a guy who should be dead. Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be too much.Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question.Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant.RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration.
With my crazy comments:This query came with no greeting. I'm sure you know what that should look like. Other than that, the first thing I noticed was that the 1st three paragraphs all start with the same word. Not sure if that was done on purpose by the author, but it might also stick out to agents as a little odd.Coby married a guy who should be dead. My first LGBT critique. Nice short hook, I suspect agents would read on. Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Hmm. As I said before, I'm not a big fan of colons in queries. Subjective thing so feel free to ignore. Also the hook made me think this is a recent love affair, but this sentence made me question that assumption. And this turn is also unexpected. I figured crime or some other violent reason for being dead. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be Simpler and shorter to use 'is' here. You don't want to be wordy. too much.Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. Generic. Generic is dull. A specific something/detail would be more interesting. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. Again generic or cliche. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question. Except for the drug usage, this paragraph pretty much just restates what we've already learned. There are no specific details to drive this forward. I'm looking for new information. How do they handle it? What direction does his husband's bad days take?Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. (Here we have a specific detail, but it feels like the query is stuck. We're not moving beyond what was said in the second paragraph. Why is his husband having these problems? How does Coby feel about it? What were they like together as a couple before all this happened?) Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant. I'd like the stakes to be more specific. This seems a little weak. It could be because I normally avoid books with 'gallons of tears.' Others weigh in on this sinker line. Does it work for you? RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. (I'm wondering if series mileage is possible from a marriage/mental illness story. Wouldn't those problems be resolved by the end of the story? I'm guessing the book isn't finished yet, thus the lack of word count.) I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration. Solid standard ending and nice bio.
I'm thinking this query is only skimming the surface of the story. You need to dig deeper and give us more. Make us care about them as people. Show us what they were like as a couple before the husband spiraled into his problems. Then lead us down the road of what happens to them. How does Coby feel about it? This query should almost be in Coby's POV. Maybe try writing one from his prospective, then change it to the more distant query POV.
Also I recommend using the husband's name. There are no places or other people to confuse. It's safe to use two names for this query.
Once again my query queue is full. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Coby married a guy who should be dead. Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be too much.Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question.Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant.RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration.
With my crazy comments:This query came with no greeting. I'm sure you know what that should look like. Other than that, the first thing I noticed was that the 1st three paragraphs all start with the same word. Not sure if that was done on purpose by the author, but it might also stick out to agents as a little odd.Coby married a guy who should be dead. My first LGBT critique. Nice short hook, I suspect agents would read on. Coby knows firsthand the toll mental illness takes on families: his husband has battled mental illness for years. Hmm. As I said before, I'm not a big fan of colons in queries. Subjective thing so feel free to ignore. Also the hook made me think this is a recent love affair, but this sentence made me question that assumption. And this turn is also unexpected. I figured crime or some other violent reason for being dead. Even when his husband’s depression and anxiety are under control, there are still days when it all gets to be Simpler and shorter to use 'is' here. You don't want to be wordy. too much.Coby's pretty sure he's prepared for just about anything life can throw at him. Generic. Generic is dull. A specific something/detail would be more interesting. After all, he and his husband have been through all kinds of hell. Again generic or cliche. If Coby's marriage can survive his husband's drug problems and mental illness, it can survive anything. But it might not survive the worst of their bad days. When his husband's mental illness takes a turn for the worst everything comes into question. Except for the drug usage, this paragraph pretty much just restates what we've already learned. There are no specific details to drive this forward. I'm looking for new information. How do they handle it? What direction does his husband's bad days take?Two weeks on psych is just the beginning of the hell Coby and his husband will go through. (Here we have a specific detail, but it feels like the query is stuck. We're not moving beyond what was said in the second paragraph. Why is his husband having these problems? How does Coby feel about it? What were they like together as a couple before all this happened?) Weeks of fighting and gallons of tears come to a head in a violent confrontation that leave both questioning their sanity and just how much "until death do us part" really meant. I'd like the stakes to be more specific. This seems a little weak. It could be because I normally avoid books with 'gallons of tears.' Others weigh in on this sinker line. Does it work for you? RESCUE ME is LGBT commercial fiction complete at _____ words with series potential. (I'm wondering if series mileage is possible from a marriage/mental illness story. Wouldn't those problems be resolved by the end of the story? I'm guessing the book isn't finished yet, thus the lack of word count.) I have most recently been accepted into the Elephant’s Book Press Winter Anthology with my short story ANGUISH. Thank you for your time and consideration. Solid standard ending and nice bio.
I'm thinking this query is only skimming the surface of the story. You need to dig deeper and give us more. Make us care about them as people. Show us what they were like as a couple before the husband spiraled into his problems. Then lead us down the road of what happens to them. How does Coby feel about it? This query should almost be in Coby's POV. Maybe try writing one from his prospective, then change it to the more distant query POV.
Also I recommend using the husband's name. There are no places or other people to confuse. It's safe to use two names for this query.
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