Fall Query Extravaganza 8
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
If you want your query showcased let me know on twitter. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it.
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on, Paul begins to withdraw from the world around him.
When Paul moves to Reno with his family, he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be bad enough, but it gets even worse when Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to get his friends from Empire and return home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
With my comments:
Dear Agent, Colon! Not comma.
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it. A bit of in-your-face telling here. Consider the difference: Fifteen-year-old Paul can handle being overweight and unable to look people in the eye, but his world unravels when the mining company closes and takes his hometown with it. Never heard of a company actually owning a town before. Interesting. Is Empire the name of the town and/or the company?
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Paul blames his father, an employee of the mine. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on (You need to explain why they aren't around.) When his friends are forced to move so their parent can find jobs, Paul begins to withdraws from the world around him. (Like Yoda says, there is no 'begins,' there is only do or don't do.)
When Paul moves to Reno with his family (Oops, looks like it is the other way around. Get in that he moves above instead.), he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be is bad enough, but it gets even worse when then Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to gets his friends from Empire and returns home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. understood With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever. I'd like a little more about the threat the bully poses and his father here in the stakes.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. Not sure if you can keep the name the same if it is a real place. A question for the historical fiction writers. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’ EMPIRE, NEVADA is a YA historical fiction complete at 71,000 words and is similar in tone to Stephen King's short story, THE BODY.
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites. I'd probably cut the last part of this sentence and instead add where you worked with editors. What newspaper?
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Could be cut.
A little bit of rephrasing to make this more active and I think this will be great. Also don't forget to decide on a genre and include it in your query.
If you want your query showcased let me know on twitter. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Agent,
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it.
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on, Paul begins to withdraw from the world around him.
When Paul moves to Reno with his family, he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be bad enough, but it gets even worse when Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to get his friends from Empire and return home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites.
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
With my comments:
Dear Agent, Colon! Not comma.
EMPIRE, NEVADA is the story of fifteen-year-old Paul Simpkins, a chubby teen with low self-esteem, whose world begins to unravel when the hometown he’s fiercely devoted to is closed by the mining company which owns and operates it. A bit of in-your-face telling here. Consider the difference: Fifteen-year-old Paul can handle being overweight and unable to look people in the eye, but his world unravels when the mining company closes and takes his hometown with it. Never heard of a company actually owning a town before. Interesting. Is Empire the name of the town and/or the company?
Paul’s relationship with his parents is fractured because he believes his father, a lawyer who works for the company that owns Empire, should have done more to prevent the town’s closure. Paul blames his father, an employee of the mine. Without his close-knit group of friends to lean on (You need to explain why they aren't around.) When his friends are forced to move so their parent can find jobs, Paul begins to withdraws from the world around him. (Like Yoda says, there is no 'begins,' there is only do or don't do.)
When Paul moves to Reno with his family (Oops, looks like it is the other way around. Get in that he moves above instead.), he finds himself unable to cope with big-city life. Being friendless would be is bad enough, but it gets even worse when then Paul’s nemesis from Empire, Donnie Watson, ends up moving to Reno and attending the same school. The only solution Paul sees is to flee. He decides to gets his friends from Empire and returns home, but they find Empire a husk of what it once was. understood With no hope of making Empire his home again, Paul has to find a way to break out of his shell, or risk being a loner forever. I'd like a little more about the threat the bully poses and his father here in the stakes.
This story is partially based off of real events. Empire was a real town that was closed in 2011. Not sure if you can keep the name the same if it is a real place. A question for the historical fiction writers. It is a YA book that runs about 71,000 words and is somewhat similar in tone to Stephen King’s short story, ‘The Body.’ EMPIRE, NEVADA is a YA historical fiction complete at 71,000 words and is similar in tone to Stephen King's short story, THE BODY.
I am a middle school teacher that worked as both a bookseller and journalist. I have worked closely with editors before, and am very amenable to criticism and requests for edits/rewrites. I'd probably cut the last part of this sentence and instead add where you worked with editors. What newspaper?
Thanks you for your time. I have included the first ten pages and look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely, Could be cut.
A little bit of rephrasing to make this more active and I think this will be great. Also don't forget to decide on a genre and include it in your query.
No comments have been added yet.
