Fall Query Extravaganza 7

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.

Getting near the end of the queue.  Stayed tuned if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Agent,
            Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut that her dad approves of, and that she dug for herself. But still, it’s time for a change.
            Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract.
            When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip, Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut. Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just makes things more complicated. Instead of having to tell her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him that she doesn’t want to stay in Lydia for the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago.
            As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. Especially if she can’t even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out.
            Oh, crap.
            LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older protagonist. Thank you very much for your consideration.
Just a note- I've had mixed feedback on a particular line. The last paragraph before the genre/word count one used to say "It'll take a proposal, and death, and a lesson or two from Shakespeare to help her make the right choice," instead of jumping to "Oh, crap." Some people love it, and others have said "avoid vague lists." Do you have an opinion between the two?
With my crazy comments:
Dear Agent, Colon here, not a comma, because it's a business letter.
Just a note that there are no tabs in a query letter. All the paragraphs should be flush to the left side of the margin. Use line spacing options to indent the first line of a new paragraph in your manuscript, but leave it off the query.
           Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. Personal preference but I'd take out the colon and break it into two sentences. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut approved bythat her dad approves of (to avoid ending on a preposition), and that one she dug for herself. But still, it’s time for a change. You've got the average, ordinary girl problem going on here. Which means you've got to have a big finish because this gets done a lot. Also, telling us why she wants a change or showing what causes the change would possibly be more enticing than saying 'she needs a change.' 
(But if she didn't want to change or fought change, then that might put a more unique spin on things.)
            Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract. Nothing wrong with this. It just doesn't stand out much. With the competition in romance, I think you really have to work the voice.
            When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip (This is interesting. I'd work on playing up this aspect of the query. Like how does the Shakespeare Festival push them toward falling in love. When Coy sits with her in the rain for a production of Romeo and Juliet, her feelings can't be denied.), Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut. Understood. Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just (crutch word) makes things more complicated. I'm having a hard time accepting she doesn't want to fall in love with Coy. Why not? He's spontaneous and interesting. What could possibly be holding her back? You don't mention any other love interest. She's supposed to be looking for new things--wouldn't that include love.  Instead of having to telling her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him that admit she doesn’t want to stay in Lydia isn't the place for her for the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago. I'd probably leave the changing of her major out of the query. There's really no room. Instead get more of Coy and Anna's relationship in here.
            As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. So dad wants her to stay there and Coy wants her to leave with him? Better to say this straight out. And is there some reason dad needs her there? Depression? Sickness? Selfishness?  Especially if she can’t (even is a big crutch word) even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her, she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out. If she's in college I'd get that in the first paragraph. I thought she held a job and that's it. And certainly once she gets her degree, her father has to figure she might end up moving somewhere else with more jobs. So I don't see why it would be a surprise to him.
            Oh, crap. I'm not sure why the 'Oh, crap' at the end. It might work better higher in the query, like where Coy comes to town. Why is Coy in Lydia anyway? What brought him from Chicago in the first place?
            LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older protagonist. Thank you very much for your consideration. (This last sentence goes on a line by itself.)
Just a note- I've had mixed feedback on a particular line. The last paragraph before the genre/word count one used to say "It'll take a proposal, and death, and a lesson or two from Shakespeare to help her make the right choice," instead of jumping to "Oh, crap." Some people love it, and others have said "avoid vague lists." Do you have an opinion between the two?  I find this sentence more interesting. In fact, I'd love to see more of this list of happenings in the query letter. And maybe less of the part about her being an ordinary girl. 

I believe you've got the bones to this query down. It needs a little more oomph in the form of voice! Concentrate on what is unique and different with the story. Don't worry about keeping back spoilers from the details. 
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Published on November 04, 2013 03:00
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