family newsletter- read all about it

I like to bring a little festive cheer into people's lives so here's my standard reply to family newsletters. It usually does the trick.

“It's been quite a busy year. It began badly with the kids and that nasty car crash but at least our youngest can hop about now and the doctors say life for a one-legged child isn’t really so bad these days. Then my wife was diagnosed with chronic shoe envy and in more recent months, my own battle with Cheerios and heroin has not been easy. Getting laid off and having our house repossessed should have depressed me but by this time I was drinking so much, little seemed to register. Obviously I’ve tried suicide but they’ve always pumped my stomach in time. My last attempt left me semi-paralysed, which is why my 24 hr on-call nurse is helping me write this as she changes my colostomy bag. Still, mustn’t grumble.
Hope you and the kids are well. Do keep in touch."
Feel free to use/adapt at will.