Your Call May Be Monitored For Quality Assurance

Vincent Truman

A brief snapshot of customer service in the 21st century in two acts.

* * *

Act One.  

I call and spend seven minutes listening to the pleasant female voice telling me what buttons to press, until it becomes exasperated with me and decides to put me in touch with a person.

Act Two.  

“Hi, thank you for calling Macy’s; this is Shandra. May I help you?”

“Hi, Shandra, my name is Vincent Truman. I placed an order with Macy’s and UPS indicated it was delivered yesterday, but I do not have it.”

“Can I have the order number?”

“Certainly. 987987654654.”

“OK, let me look that up. It says that it was delivered.”

“Yes. I noticed that, too. But I do not have it.”

“Can I have the tracking number?”

“Sure. UPS123234345.”

“Thank you. Let me look that up. It says it was delivered.”

“No doubt. But the thing is, I don’t have it.”

“The notation I see here says that it was left on your front porch.”

“Sure. I have to pass my front porch to get into my house, and the package was not there.”

“Maybe it was taken to your local post office.”

“Despite the fact they said they left it on my front porch?”

“Oh. Perhaps they’ll attempt re-delivery today.”

“Despite the fact it was allegedly delivered yesterday?”

“Oh. Please hold.”

— Patsy Cline’s “Walking After Midnight” —

“Hello, sir, thank you for holding. I checked again, and they said it was delivered.”

“I got that. The only missing bit is that I don’t have it. So I figure, you could either send me a replacement or refund my money. Either way seems doable.”

“Oh. Please hold.”

— Elvis Presley’s “Hound Dog” —

“Hello, sir, thank you for holding. Can we re-ship the item to you?”

“Sure, that sounds like a great idea.”

“OK. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

“It happens.”

“Thank you. It should go out in one to two business days.”

“Great.”

“Can I help you with anything else?”

“I hope not. You have a great day over there.”

“Thank you, sir. You, too.”