Fall Query Extravaganza 5
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them.
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.
With my brilliant (maybe) comments:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. We all know this got a ton of requests in Nightmare on Query Street so I'm not sure what I can add. Maybe that the first sentence is a tad lengthy for MG? Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years. Made me curious to know where they are. You've told us where they are not (Brookyn), but what town is full of mobsters. Sounds like Vegas.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess. This is full of great information and nice setup, but what does Deech want? So far it's lacking his motivation or what he feels about being in the witness protection program.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, I'd probably put a stop right here and make this into two sentences by changing 'When' to 'Then.' It's rather a mouthful. Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them. Makes it sound like the mob boss and the men that came looking for them are two separate groups. Are they together or are two sets of villains out to get Deech's family? Also what will happen if they fail? Is it lights out for his family?
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning. I don't see a genre listed.
This is a really great query and feels to me that the only thing missing is a better sense of Deech's goals and personality. I think there is room to squeeze in a short sentence or two about Deech. Right now the query focuses solely on the plot (which is fantastic) but leaves me wondering what Deech is like.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them.
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning.
With my brilliant (maybe) comments:
Twelve-year old Deech Rosselli and his family are placed into Witness Protection in a town run by a U.S. Marshall, seven hundred and thirty two miles away from Brooklyn. We all know this got a ton of requests in Nightmare on Query Street so I'm not sure what I can add. Maybe that the first sentence is a tad lengthy for MG? Deech gets a new name, new friends, and a whole new set of problems as the middle school is filled with mini mobsters, all imitating what they've seen their parents do over the years. Made me curious to know where they are. You've told us where they are not (Brookyn), but what town is full of mobsters. Sounds like Vegas.
Deech makes friends quickly and finds himself thriving among forgers, bookmakers, hackers, enforcers, munitions experts, and even the random arsonist as the kids form families of their own during recess. This is full of great information and nice setup, but what does Deech want? So far it's lacking his motivation or what he feels about being in the witness protection program.
When the disenchanted principal, himself a former marshall, snitches on the whereabouts of the Rossellis and all the wrong people come to town, I'd probably put a stop right here and make this into two sentences by changing 'When' to 'Then.' It's rather a mouthful. Deech and his new friends put together a plan that will trap the principal and capture the mob boss and the men that came looking for them. Makes it sound like the mob boss and the men that came looking for them are two separate groups. Are they together or are two sets of villains out to get Deech's family? Also what will happen if they fail? Is it lights out for his family?
A combination of the Sopranos meets Home Alone; MIDDLE SCHOOL MAFIA is 38,000 words of family comedy where the term family has a whole new meaning. I don't see a genre listed.
This is a really great query and feels to me that the only thing missing is a better sense of Deech's goals and personality. I think there is room to squeeze in a short sentence or two about Deech. Right now the query focuses solely on the plot (which is fantastic) but leaves me wondering what Deech is like.
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