Blame it on the Butterflies

“And then we can blame it on the butterflies.” She said.

I smiled because she always says that when it is something that has no blame; it just is. And you can’t blame what is on anyone. It was her way of saying our love just exists, and no one could be blamed for that.

I just wish other people could see it that way.

And maybe someday they will, but for now, Julie’s parents blame me. My parents blame her. It’s just one of those vicious circles. I’m sure the butterflies would be happy to take the blame out of all that.

“So, we’ll stick through this…” I choked my words out, “Together?”

She turned to look at me like I just asked her if the sun was going to die in a moment. Her hand rested on mine, and I knew then I wanted her next to me. No, I needed her next to me. Or both, both was good. Both was necessary, so I could have her near me, even through something rough like what trouble we would get in when we went home to our parents.

“Kels, I can’t believe you would even ask me that.” She started and I entangled my fingers with hers. “Even if it means we have to go live in a cabin on the moon, I won’t leave your side.”

She shook both our hands to stir me into looking at her eyes. “And you better not want to leave mine.”

My response was a kiss. And not a peck or a Russian greeting. I mean it was more passionate, sexually and emotionally charged than that kiss bragged about at the end of the Princess Bride.

When we finished, with a heavy breath between us, she grinned and teased, “That wasn’t an answer.”

I rolled my eyes and kissed her again briefly before sighing. “Fine, I’d never leave. I don’t think I could, really.”

She laughed, a warm laughter that made me want to somehow draw myself even closer to her, even though we were already settled comfortably against each other on a stone wall. So I just laughed with her, instead.

I think we needed the laugh, and touch. And so much more, since we both knew we wouldn’t be smiling after the trek home. But maybe we could blame that on the butterflies too. Or at least not think about what was to come.

It was obvious what we were both thinking though when silence fell between us, like a wedge.

Julie adjusted herself like she was ready to stand up and drag me with her in the process, but I needed some of the silence. I pulled on her hand and wrapped my arm with hers, drawing my head to rest against her neck. I could hear my voice vibrate through her shoulder as I whispered, “A little longer.”

She didn’t say anything, but stroked the back of my hand with her thumb as we sat there. I shivered a few times and then could feel her draw me in against her as hard as she could. She usually indulged when I thought I was completely childish, and this time I didn’t mind that. Really, I was glad for it, because I don’t think either of us knew just how far both of our parents would go to stop us from seeing each other.

When we got back to my parent’s house, I didn’t get to see Julie again that night. Or talk. Or anything. She did hold my hand while my parents yelled at us, and she definitely wouldn’t have left me if my parents hadn’t ripped her from me and tossed her out the door.

I don’t think I ever cried quite as much as I did that night. I guess it was lucky that most of my memory of the rest of the night was drowned out by my tears.

I knew I couldn’t stay by morning. Which was why I had a bag packed and climbed down the lattice that was just below my room’s window. Later on, I definitely felt bad for not leaving a note for my parents, but at the time I hated them so much I couldn’t think about anything else but getting away.

I didn’t know where I would be going. If I went to Julie’s I would just be met with a similar response and then I’d have to deal with her parents asking if I was over here with permission from mine. I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle any of this. Which is probably why I stumbled, mostly numb, through the city.

I can’t really say how long I walked, or where I was directing myself, it was mostly just the power of inertia having its effect on me. At least until I just froze. I felt all the worry, the pain, the fear, just all of that junk I didn’t want to feel, drain right out of me when I saw Julie, sitting on the stone wall with a bag at her feet and a relieved smile on her face.

I still felt numb though, cause I didn’t do or say anything, except drop my bag to the ground. I didn’t need to though, since Julie covered the distance between us without a second thought. But when she was in my arms, I could see the exhaustion in her eyes. And I wondered if she cried all night too.

We held each other for a while before I could even get a word out. And even then I was starting to feel some tears drip again as I said into her shoulder, “Jules, I couldn’t… I just couldn’t blame the butterflies this time.”

She pulled me tight, and kept her eyes dry as she comforted me.

“I know. I know,” she soothed, “I couldn’t either.”