The End Game.

I've been spending the past handful of days trying to think of how I wanted to go about this whole master plan that I have now. And lying around, thinking about it…it kind of made my brain ache, to be honest. I'm kind of that person who wants so badly to have a perfect, fail-safe plan before she starts anything that, sometimes, it's the exact thing that's keeping her from starting anything. Playing off some of the books I've read this past year, I tried to work up this amazing plan of goals and mantras and monthly themes that would bring me closer to this thing that I know I want to do. I had this awesome vision of, like, a body image montage…hey guys, watch this! I'm doing loving affirmations and brave experiments and reading a lot and giving my body hugs and stuff! Look how much is changed for me! I'm journaling all about it! I bet you're inspired, too! 

So I started crafting goals and ideas and plans for all the things I want to do, because I'm the kind of person who starts cleaning out her sock drawer and then gets on a kick and has her whole house turned upside down by the end of the day (and then leaves it like that for the next month). But then I got overwhelmed and watched some stuff about C.T. on MTV's Real World Challenges, and then I did some research on the women of the Vanderbilt family, and then decided to wash all my pillows…for, you know, the changing of the seasons and stuff.

The point is: I know that if I focus too much on planning out some radical framework to change the way I value my body and my heart, everything I wrote last week will just end up being this really great idea I had once. And I do want to do the thing where I write about this stuff as a sort of daily process, but if it's going to be a daily process, then I need to do the thing first and then write about it.

So I really had to let go of the idea that this wasn't going to be this perfect, pre-formatted plan and process - Better Body Image In 31 Short Days! - and instead focus on coming at it from the angle of learning everything I could and trying everything that sounded great. Because, at the end of the day, there's really no way to "fail" when it comes to making active strives to loving my body and myself more, you know?

Once I did that, I also realized that the best way to figure out the beginning is to figure out the end. So I jammed out the below. And decided that, much like the Written Shot of Courage, I wanted this to be something that I read every day, whether I felt like I needed it or not. To remind myself of where I want to go and what all this is for. So I saved it on my desktop under, "To Be Read First Thing Every Morning."

And this is pretty raw, but I think that's kind of the point. It was sort of a stream of consciousness, and whatever resonated the most, I kept. So feel free to modify this to fit you, if you'd like. I'm not an affirmation girl in the sense that I like to write out one-sentence mantras to repeat constantly to myself (even though I know that works for others), but I am the type of girl who needs some sort of daily focus. I feel like this will help.

The End Game.
I’d like this to be the year of becoming more of myself. 
Of celebrating the good parts. Of healing my dysfunctions and blocks...and of turning those into good parts. Of cleaning up my messes. Of accepting, loving, and celebrating the things about myself that make me me. 
Of doing things for my own validation, my own joy, my own contentment and pride. 
The goal is not to deprive myself of a romantic relationship or convince myself that I don’t need or want one. 
The goal is to remove the blocks to love that I have built up. The goal is to learn to love myself first, to heal my dysfunctions, so that when that love comes, I am ready for it with a clean and full heart. 
I am not seeking perfection. Nor am I doing battle with the things I don’t like about myself or think I shouldn’t like about myself. I am healing myself, reclaiming my wholeness. I am, every day, waking up and creating more of the life I have imagined for myself. I am giving myself good things. I am giving myself the things I have always wanted from others. I am getting to the place where I have everything I need, just on my own. Everyday, I'm learning new things about myself. I am learning how to balance my own life with my interest in someone else’s. 
I am using my day to clean out my heart and mind and body. 
To create and feel a peaceful calm, a secure independence. Strong and healthy and lovely and smart. 
“ The ultimate partner is a divine one, an experience of ourselves that is totally supportive and forgiving. Until we know this, we keep seeking sustenance from men that they cannot give us . Most men and women today are wounded. The search for someone who isn’t in pain is unreasonable until we ourselves are healed of our own dysfunctions. Until then, we will be led to people as wounded as we are in order that we might heal and be healed together. What this means is that no partner can save us, deliver us, or give meaning to our lives. The source of our salvation, deliverance, and meaning is within us. It is the love we give as much as the love we get. The passion we most need to feed is our relationship to God. This is ultimately our relationship to ourselves.  It’s not as easy as a good date, as much fun as sex, or as dramatic as romantic tension. It is work. Personal growth, recovery, religious practice, spiritual renewal - whatever words we care to use - these are the keys to our return to sanity and peace. When we have reclaimed our wholeness, we are ready to face the worldly beloved. Until then, we will look to a romantic partner to give us peace rather than remember that our role in the relationship is to bring peace, by receiving it from God and allowing him to spread his peace through us to all humankind.  How often have I betrayed myself, forgetting - or, more accurately, resisting - the twenty minutes of meditation, the hour of reading, the spiritual meeting or recovery group that would prepare me for the roller coaster ride that always lies potential in an intimate relationship. Part of our problem is that we expect love affairs to always feel good. They don’t. Actually, relationships don’t feel good anyway. We feel good. Unless we are centered within ourselves, we cannot blame a relationship for throwing us off. No man can convince a woman she’s wonderful, but if she already believes she is, he agreement can resonate and bring her joy. 
- Marianne Williamson, A Woman’s Worth, 83-84
Tomorrow I'll tell you about some of the guiding principles...ugh, that sounds like the beginning of a Sunday School lesson, doesn't it? Like, "Guiding Principles to Everyday Christianity"… Let's try that again. Tomorrow I'll tell you about some of the TOTALLY SUPER AWESOME RADICAL KICKASS UNICORN-AND-DRAGON-COMBINING TENANTS I came up with for this whole shiz. And then we'll actually get rolling with this stuff. Because much like I used to tell my high school boyfriends, this girl is always happier with a little less talk and a lot more action.

Because sometimes, the exact time to not talk is when I have a half hour until curfew and you're about to launch into your 100th hunting story.

Just a little dating tip for all you high school kids reading this.

Because pretty sure there's a TON of you.