11 Fake FAQ

Or in other words, questions I don’t get asked frequently enough.

1. Who is currently your favorite unattainable, never gonna happen, crush?

Theo. James. Those eyes. Those lips. That bod.

2. If you had a pet mogwai, would you feed it after midnight?

Snort. Of course. I like me some mohawked gremlins. And the one with the crazy eyes. They kind of liven up the place, ya know?

3. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. I kind of do. I grew up in a house where strange stuff happened all the time. Once, when I was 14 years old, I was so scared, I slept in my mom’s bed. No lie. Our family home used to be a funeral home and was built during the Civil War and was used as a hospital. There was a tombstone found in a well under our deck. So yeah. Creeeeepy.

4. Where don’t you still watch The Vampire Diaries? Isn’t Ian Smexysmolder hot enough?

Even Ian’s Smexysmolder couldn’t save me. See, I have this thing with what I call unacceptable levels of angst. The moment the sire bond was announced, I was like “I’m outie!” Every once and around I tune in, and literally have no idea what happened if I blink an eye. I mainly check in on Ian. See what’s up. How’s he doing. Make kissy faces at the screen. Question why Stefan has air bubbles while under water if he supposedly doesn’t need to breathe, but can drown, but obviously does breathe because hello, there’s air bubbles… and he’s like drowning, but he’s a vamp –OH MY GOD, MY BRAIN HURTS.

Vampire mermaids for then win!

5. What do you watch instead?

Toddlers and Tiaras. No poop. That’s what I’ll watch On Demand instead. Or World’s Dumbest. Or whatever else is on TV. Or maybe just watch the episode of Walking Dead again.

6. What do you think happens when a super popular TV shows airs and half the populace of mankind threatens to burn down Twitter if someone posts a spoiler, even a vague reference to Raining Zombies, even thou the super popular TV show Twitter account is posting more spoilers than the zombie body pile up during the season 2 finale?

We don’t think. We know. An angel freaking loses its wings and plummets to earth in a fiery ball. And I’m not talking hot Hush, Hush angel either. Not only does it loose its wings. It gets ugly. The incessant tweets made Patch ugly. It’s official. Dies.

A puppy also cries. Rainbows start farting. The angel now has genital warts. And the whole damn world collapse due to a real zombie infection.

7. What is resting bitch face?

Inevitably it is a picture someone takes of me while I’m on a panel and I have no idea that someone is taking my picture and then tags me on Facebook, therefore leading me to realizing I have resting bitch face.

8. If a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could?

Chunk on these XXX (fill in the blank)! Okay. That’s immature of me. But I can’t even believe I typed out that damn question. Seriously. Also, must remember I have young readers,therefore resorted to Triple Xing out ehem, walnuts.

9. Do you have willpower?

Oh, my God, no. Not at all. Like when I say I’m going off social media for a while to write, I just don’t actively engage, but I lurk, because the Internet is shiny and pretty. So I’m a lurker. A lot. Once, I used Write Or Die and let the stupid time run out just so I could hear the noise it made. I’m not even close to kidding on that. If I close down Internet tabs, I open them back up. And I should be writing right now, so…..

10. What is an irrational fear you have?

Oh Jeebus, I don’t have one. I have a fear of bridges over water when traveling by car, I don’t like layered food, and I am petrified of waking up in the middle of the night and having a ghost face two inches from mine. I gave that little fear to Avery in Wait for You, but seriously? Could you imagine rolling over, stretching happily, blinking open your eyes and a ghost seven year old kid with an axe in its head is staring at you and asks if you want to play bury the hatchet?

Picture it.

Right before you go to be tonight.

Then tell me if that’s not scary.

And finally….

11. What is something weird that’s happened to you lately?

Two things. I was recognized in Target picking up allergy meds from the pharmacy because, you know, apparently I’m gonna go make some meth with sudafed, and the pharmacist recognized my name. Besides the fact I hadn’t showered yet and was all snotty, all I could think was thank God I’m not picking up herpes meds or something.

And recently, I fell asleep during a Walking Dead marathon and then woke up and heard all this creepy moaning. It took me forever to realize where it was coming from. Needless to say I felt stupid.