12 ROMANTIC PROPOSALS FOR THE SOCIALLY UNHINGED
Nary a day goes by without my Facebook feed spurting out some elongated Youtube proposal, with a happy white couple dragging all their family and friends in for a song-and-dance routine, leading up to a small box containing one of the shiny underground rocks presented as tribute. People have blackmailed their way into wedded bliss in all sorts of highly-public, inventive ways, but in my opinion none of them truly say, ‘I want you buried next to me when our heating system breaks down and we die of carbon monoxide poisoning in our beds, discovered only three months later when one of the neighbours notices that our house has become nothing but a solid black mass of flies.’
With that, here are twelve ways in which I would propose, if I didn’t prefer the more modern system of trapping potential spouses in a large net and keeping them in an underground hive where they sew clothing I can sell at flea markets. Romance!
12 ROMANTIC PROPOSALS FOR THE SOCIALLY UNHINGED
1. THE HOSTAGE TAKING
Like all those lovely youtube videos, this one involves family and friends! Simply don a mask, kidnap your lover’s favourite sibling/friend/parents, and hold them at gunpoint until the police come. Tell them you will only negotiate with your potential fiancé.
“Oh gods Rebecca, just say yes, don’t let him kill me, say yes, damnit!”
It would take a heart of steel to say no to that one. (NOTE: shooting the hostage before an answer is given may affect the outcome)
2. A ROMANTIC FIRE
The genius of this one is in its simplicity.
“Oh gods Brian, it looks like your apartment is on fire! You’ll need somewhere to live, do you want to live with me and be married? It’s a good job your cats were in the burning apartment as I’m allergic to them and I don’t want them in my home.”
3. TREASURE HUNT
All the nostalgic glory of your childhood, combined with the very adult pressure to be joined in holy matrimony! Each clue will bring them closer to the engagement ring – is it stored in the fridge? Nope, sorry Mark, try underneath what was once your prize rose garden! No? Could it be at the bottom of the urn which once stored your grandmother’s ashes but is now home to a proposal note and a shitload of confetti? Jackpot!
4. COMPETITIVE WEDDING
What’s more romantic than proposing at someone else’s wedding? NOTHING, that’s what! Pick a lull in the registrar’s speech, stand up, and begin your extremely loud proposal – for bonus points, try and do it at their sister’s wedding – all her family will be there to witness your happy day.
5. COURT SUMMONS SURPRISE
Step one: send your soon-to-be-fiancée a series of letters from the recording industry, letting them know that they’ve been caught downloading Lana Del Rey’s unbearable dronings and are due to appear in court. Make sure the letters are sufficiently threatening, you don’t want them to miss this!
Step two: don’t let their panicked tears sway you! This is romance!
Step three: Wait, this address isn’t a courtroom, it’s the driveway to a McDonalds! And who is that handsome person holding a faux-diamond ring? It’s a romance genius, that’s who!
6. A ROMANTIC HUNT
“Don’t be silly Magdaline, you’re not really a vegetarian. Now take this gun and start shooting those guinea pigs. One of them has a special surprise inside!”
7. TERRIBLE ACCIDENT
Picture the scene: your partner is driving to work on a normal, hum-drum day. But what’s that? Those cars look like they’ve had an accident! Why is there no-one around to help? I’ll see what I can do – oh god, oh god, they’re all dead, that poor family! Please, please won’t somebody help, there’s so much blood, it’s all over the – wait, I think the blood is spelling something! Oh my god! Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!
8. SPIDERS
Everyone loves spiders! Why not train 800 of them to spell out your proposal on their bedroom wall?
9. iTunes
This one takes a little effort, but it’ll be worth it to see the look of love on their face! Simply record yourself singing their favourite songs, but change all the lyrics to your romantic proposal. The love will build and build as they realise you’ve not only recorded one song, but you’ve erased their entire music collection and replaced it with your own voice!
Magical.
10. HAUNTING
This is one of the more expensive proposals. Simply purchase fifteen projectors and speaker systems, and hide them at strategic points around your lover’s home. Start small – a split-second of a woman’s face on the bathroom wall – and slowly work your way up. A child vanishing down an invisible hallway, an old man bursting into flames, the incessant whispering of their name through the night. Make the images gorier and gorier, make the whispered messages more cryptic and yet more personal. Make it clear the date is coming, the date when something big will happen. The old man in flames tells them it’s a week away. The blood-covered nurse whispers that it’s three more days. The woman without fingers says it’s tomorrow.
Your partner won’t have slept in weeks – they’ll have been kept up all night thinking about this day. The anticipation! The look on their face when your apparition appears on the ceiling, holding out a ring! The disbelief!
11. SERIOUS ILLNESS
Fake a series of hospital appointments, each one containing worse and worse news. Come home one day and announce you have a week to live, and that you don’t want the hospital – you want to die quietly at home. Spend the week crying together, fulfilling a list of all the things you ever wanted to do, having heartfelt goodbye sex. Experience a closeness which is only possible when one of you is about to be gone forever. Spend your final night holding each other – you’re going to die in their arms. Lie there together until the fateful morning comes.
SURPRISE! You’re not really dying! Now you can spend the rest of your lives together! Just say yes!
(Probably) works every time.
12. CHEATING SURPRISE
This is another one that takes a little time, but is absolutely worth the effort. Simply hire a handsome stranger to woo your partner – have them start with flirtatious glances at the local coffee shop, and have them move up to lingering eye contact, first conversation, sharing a decaf espresso and bran muffin together. Have him/her assuage your lover’s guilt, tell them they’ve never felt like this before, have them share a cheeky, guilty kiss. Then step it up: sending notes, text messages, long romantic emails. Make sure your partner grows attached.
Then comes the big night – your partner is finally going to cheat on you with the mysterious person they’ve fallen for. They climb into bed together, exchange the first tender kisses… until you jump out of the wardrobe! SURPRISE! Now marry me?
So now there’s nothing standing in the way of you and wedded bliss. Join me next week when I show you how to trick family and friends into a surprise bris! Till then, romance fans!
- Sayyesfern
The post 12 ROMANTIC PROPOSALS FOR THE SOCIALLY UNHINGED appeared first on redjon.com.
