Do Not Read This Unless You are a Mother
The Doorknob Dilemma
It was fourteen years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was 11:00 p.m., and my 3-year-old daughter was yelling from her room, “I don’t wanna go to sleep!” I stood with my hand on the doorknob, trying to sort out in my head the right thing to do. I had already been in her room several times since putting her to bed at 8:00. I had smoothed her forehead, given her a drink, checked under her bed, sung her a song, and read her a story. I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was to go to sleep myself. My thoughts teetered between, “If I go in there, I might be inadvertently encouraging her to yell for me to avoid going to sleep at night; on the other hand, if I don’t go in, she might feel alone and scared, and what if it scars her forever?” Then these exact words came to me: “Either way, I’m screwed.” I stood with my hand on the doorknob, grappling with the hard truth that both of the options felt wrong, and that no matter which I chose, I would feel guilty about it.
Since that night, I have accomplished many years of parenting. But over those years I have found myself back in that same moment many times over. Each such situation is different, but the common factor is that underlying feeling that there is no right answer; that either choice I make will be bad for my child, and result in that uncomfortable feeling of guilt: “I should have done something else,” or “I should have done nothing.” I call it the Doorknob Dilemma.
Since I wrote Running on Empty, I’ve been interviewed about the book on dozens of radio shows. Even though I did not write it to be a parenting book, parenting became one of the major topics that I was asked about in the interviews. In fact, a number of show hosts requested interviews specifically about the parenting aspects of the book (specifically, how to be an emotionally attuned parent). In many of these interviews, especially the ones with women interviewers, the topic of mother’s guilt came up over and over. I think it’s because parenting can be so complex and baffling that parents often feel hungry for help and knowledge. Beyond that, we moms have to deal with the Doorknob Dilemma.
I’ve written a number of articles about parenting, but this is not one of them. This is about you as a mom, your special challenges, and how you can take care of yourself. Here is my list of tips to help you manage the guilt caused by the Doorknob Dilemma. I hope you’ll read them as often as needed throughout the year. They are my Mother’s Day gift to you.
Guilt is an emotion that is wired into us humans for a specific purpose: to prevent us from taking harmful action against others. It has no useful purpose beyond that.
Guilt is a heavy emotion. It’s like a black cloud that hangs in the background, sucking our energy and confidence, and leaving us depleted.
The people who feel the most guilt often are the people who deserve it the least, rendering it one of the least helpful emotions.
Parenting is one of the most complex jobs on the planet. Every child is different, every parent is different, and every family’s environment is different. Parenting is affected by genes, stressors, teachers, extended family, finances, friends, community…I could go on and on. You get the point. It’s complicated.
If you find yourself in a Doorknob Dilemma, remind yourself that in many parenting decisions, there is no right or wrong answer. It’s a matter of making the decision that seems the best for your own understanding of your own child in that moment.
Many of your decisions will be wrong, and that’s OK. It comes with the job.
Guilt can weigh you down, making you a less energetic and confident person and parent.
If you find yourself feeling guilty about a parenting choice or action that you took, follow these steps:
Ask yourself if you truly made the wrong decision, in hindsight.
If the answer is no, then LET IT GO.
If the answer is maybe or yes, then ask yourself if there’s anything you can do to correct it.
If you can talk with your child, apologize, or otherwise correct it, then do so.
If there’s nothing that you can do, accept that.
Ask yourself if there is a lesson to be learned from this mistake that can be useful in the future.
If so, make a note of it to help you remember.
Accept that you’ve done everything you can, and PUT IT BEHIND YOU.
As a mother, you have to take care of yourself first, so that you can give to others; not the other way around. Don’t let guilt weigh you down and sap your energy. Attack your guilt instead of letting it attack you. And if you would like to learn more about emotionally attuned parenting, see my book, Running on Empty by clicking on THE BOOK tab of this website.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!
