It’s My Party

and I’ll cry if I want to!

What now?

Well, I made the trip to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. First, what an awesome facility. Everyone was extremely nice and so many smiles. Rare for a place filled with sick people.

Second, sigh. To say I am in a serious state of depression would be an understatement. I know I went there to find out if I could get on the heart transplant list, but I guess deep inside I was hoping they would say I was just a fat hypochondriac and send me home with a diet that would fix everything. It would appear that things in my own little world don’t always turn out the way I think they should.

The doctor was extremely nice and talked to me until I understood everything. While I do understand everything, it was overwhelming for hubby and me.

The doctor made a point of saying “I’m thankful you self-referred yourself when the doctors didn’t act fast enough, but I wish I had met you six months ago.”

Boom! First bombshell.

He explained about the stages and even drew pictures for me. He was kind of enough to remind me that my heart is “HUGE. I mean huge!” The average heart is the size of a fist. My heart is more than 3 fists. But I knew it was enlarged, so no surprise there. But then he said, “The life expectancy for someone in your condition with this heart is two years.”

Whap! That one knocked me breathless. My heart broke when I heard my husband gasp behind me.

So then we talked about options.

1. Medicine. Not hopeful because that is what we have been doing for last five years with no success.
2. LVAD. If you don’t know what this is, visit this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ventricular_assist_device
3. Heart transplant.

Obviously the transplant is the lesser of the evils, but there is still so much to do before I know if I even qualify.

Then the doctor said, “If you had waited any longer for one of your other doctors to refer you, it would probably be too late. I think we have you here in time.”

Kapow! So having two sets of doctors did me how much good?

Don’t get me wrong, I like all my doctors. They have helped me tremendously, but shouldn’t they have known to send me? What exactly were they waited for? They all asked if I was on the list, but none sent me. A little bit of anger there, but I’ll get over it.

The doctor went on to explain that there are certain protocols in place that are to be met before a person is even evaluated. But he feels I am too far advanced with heart damage to wait and has approved an expedited evaluation to get me on the list sooner. He says I am a great candidate, but still need to go through the evaluation, but quickly. They are setting up my appointments as we speak and he wants me on the list within a couple months.

Once I get the transplant it will mean at least 2 months in Jacksonville living while I go through rehab and all my follow up appointments. This is fine because I have great relatives there.

I am not sure this has all sunk in yet, I just keep thinking that I can’t do this; it’s too much; I’m not strong enough. Hubby is trying to be strong, but he looks at me differently today. I wish he didn’t have to go through all this, I know he didn’t sign up for any of my excess baggage, but I thank God he is with me, because if I can do this, it will only be with him holding my hand. I have no strength without him at this point.

I know I need a positive attitude and I will get around to it, I’m sure, but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and cry until it all goes away.