Getting Down To It, Because Everyone Says I Have To

The rules of writing go like this:

Get up off (get on?) your butt and write
Close facebook and write
Stop looking at or taking cute kitty pictures and write
Everyone says you need exposure on twitter but stop opening tweetdeck
Stop making excuses and write
Stop planning world domination and write

You get the picture. It’s so simple –just write!– so why is it so hard?

As you can see by my title I’m feeling rather petulant, it’s a “why do they make me write” versus a “yay I get to write” kind of time. I’m in low energy mode, basically a moody funk. My routine has shifted once again in the span of a month and a half, and it’s left me dazed and moving around like a zombie. As a creature of routine, even small shifts feel like a kick in the face because they all require adjustment. Too many changes means too many adjustments, and those are what take it out of me.

I haven’t been getting any writing done for over a –well, too long to admit–, and that’s making me feel like a failure. I want to write for a living, how can I support myself if I can’t even make myself get down to the basics of getting words on the page. Arg!

It’s an irritating cycle, I don’t write for a while and then I find it gets harder and harder to get back to it. Then I get anxious. Just before launching Anxiety Ink I was in full work mode, I was writing stories or blog posts nearly every day. Having just gotten really great feedback from my writing workshop with Patricia Briggs, being plied with information from WWC, and planning this site with Kate and M.J., I was in full excitement mode. Now?

Whaa??

I don’t know! I’m still writing blog posts because there are other people counting on me but I have this terrible trend of letting myself down. I’m my own worst enemy. This too makes me anxious. And that’s why Anxiety Ink really resonates with me. Sure, the name is catchy and lots of writers are anxious about deadlines and whatnot, but I’m an anxiety ridden person. Everything, I’m not even kidding you –everything– makes me anxious. It drives me crazy (and ups the anxiety) and confuses my friends and family (which further ups the anxiety). *insert curse word of choice here*. Blah.

I’m in a rut goshdarnit. I’ll admit that I have a near crippling fear of failure which makes me want to avoid the keyboard all the more, but that’s no excuse. You can’t fail if you don’t try, right? And if you don’t try that’s a failure in itself. I think this is an oxymoron moment.

And I think it’s an enough whining moment.

I forgot what I told Kate many weeks ago, that my motivation is the image of her chasing me with a white hot poker that spells out WRITE! I need to draw it and put it on my wall, because she’ll be too eager to act it out so I can get a photo. And I dislike burns. They’re ouchie. But it’s a good kick in the butt.

We go into a trend of setting goals with each other but I think I need to up the ante. It’s sad that I need the impetus from an outside source to write but if it’s what it takes right now I’ll work with it. Eventually, maybe, hopefully, that’ll change. Or I’ll have a larger audience willing to chase me with fire-hot metal. Never thought I’d dream of that…

So, Anxiety Ink is really important to me. And I really need it right now, as much as I need the support of the two wonderful women who helped build Anxiety Ink with me. They make me sit in front of the computer even on the days I look at it with loathing.

Now, if you’ve held in this long I’m mostly done talking about me, well, not entirely, but this part will actually be useful for others! Especially if you can’t connect with any of my ailments and you were rolling your eyes through my little pity party above. Aside from all that, I had an epiphany about why I haven’t been able to write a piece I’ve been mulling and really wanting to get down. One of my characters was violently resisting the back story I was trying to give her, and because she’s in two of the pieces I’m working on right now too, I’ve been unable to get anywhere with any of it. Ah ha!

I’m going to talk more about that in one of my next posts but it’s so nice to have a reason why I can’t even edit. So if you’ll excuse me, I have some backtracking to do.