So I have been away….I was supposed to be dead…

Yep, you read that right, I was supposed to be dead. I am writing this from my hospital bed, in the respiratory investigation unit, it’s late (12:52 a.m. to be exact) and a few days ago, I was rushed to the hospital from my home because my breathing had stopped for the third time at around 7:30 a.m.

The doctors had me in a section of the hospital to begin with (a section I still don’t know what it was, but from what I can gather, it’s a place where life and death hangs on a wire by one hand and a prayer). The doctors told me in no uncertain terms that I was not expected to live to see the night and frankly, this pissed me off at the time. Not to say that I was scared, because on some level maybe I was, but when someone tells you that…

“Hey, you could be dead within a matter of hours” at the young age of 31, your mind goes to a lot of places, dark places, which all pretty much head towards those almost cliché seven stages of mourning, anger (for me at least, being the first stage as it always is when it comes to death). Since then I’ve been forced to reflect on a lot of things, rethink a lot of the philosophies I thought I had. I don’t know when I can leave/discharged from the hospital, so I am going to just spew my thoughts into words and let’s see this rabbit hole leads us….

 

It’s not the first time I’ve nearly died, shit… I’ll doubt it will be the last, you see, Death and me have had a few waltzes before. And I think he likes to drop by every now and again for a dance, just to remind me that he is there, waiting in the shadows for me for that final dance, but until then I suppose he’s testing to see if my footwork is right. Until then, I am going to stick to my writing, so much than before, because I need to now.  I thought I wrote because I just enjoyed spinning a yarn, but now (especially with the next book, as you will see, there is a great deal more to it.)

I write because I am trying to make sense of everything. I mean Life. Its mystery troubles us, it is as though God gave us a beginning and left the rest of the story untold. Some of us ignore this grand mystery that has been presented to us; some of us spend our lives trying to make sense of it with our own envious imitations and hope by some chance that we stumble upon the answer and perhaps come to understand why we were born?  

I think beneath it all that is why I write, that is why I am writing this right now, I am trying to exorcize those troubled thoughts and as I sit here late at night as my mind churns, and by sharing with you, by bringing you deeper into my life, perhaps together we’ll make sense of it all. because we let’s face it, God or whatever deity/force/science whatever the fuck placed us all here, on this big blue planet and I am pretty sure we are doomed to never discover and are destined to forge and form our own beliefs, yet again, trying to answer the BIG questions. Till then, I suppose the human race is going to argue over who is right and who is wrong…

When truly, if we are brutally honest and really examined everything in detail and scrutiny, none of us really has a fucking clue, BUT with that being said, faith is still one of the most important things of the unrepeatable experience called life.  It is one great paradox.    

I may never find the answer to the biggest mystery ever presented to us, maybe you will, maybe you won’t, but I know this much, I know I have discovered the true reason why I write.

In addition, I have come to one other conclusion, and it is this: if we as a human race or even as individuals could cast our egos to one side and leave them there forever, with the anger. The hate and let’s face it, the cruelty we impose upon each other that we could progress ever closer to that one little thing that unites all…

Until then, if you see this blog posted up, you can take safe knowledge (if you’re not too pissed off with me, faith, religion, etc. are prickly subjects at best…) that I am alive and well, and keeping you all close to my thoughts and my heart, where you belong. Just one more thing…for fuck’s sake, love each and every day, live it to the fullest, even if it is a Monday, you never know… until then, take from this what you will and just remember that I am merely human and I need to make life into something I can understand, in my own way. I’d like to thank those men and women who saved my life, my family as well both parties, which put up with my insane fear of needles, bad jokes, and sometime outbursts of rage. But remember if there was rage, it was because I was raging against the dying of the light and I refuse to go gently into that good night, forgive me and thank you for being there.

I love you all.

R.D.T