Fall Query Extravaganza #3
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Awesome Agent
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.
Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.
A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on.
Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.
GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.
With my crazy comments:
Dear Awesome Agent (colon)
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height (a wizard's height indicates his power) is the mark of his power, (I'm not sure this comma is needed. Readers, what do you think?) and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.
Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even(I think I'd strike 'even.' Even implies he's talked it over with others.) he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from (Cut 'from' or use 'his.') prison.
A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his (an adjective like bumbling or failure) father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on. 'Leads him straight' made me think Gerald already had the amulet. Why would he need to hunt for it?
Also Vabalaz's motivation is vague. How is his dream wizard realm different from Gerald's dreams? Or simply, why would it be bad?
Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. (Not sure 'female' is needed. Unless Gerald is opposed to females like many boys his age. ... evading a female--yuck--elven assassin.) Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last. Nice setting of the stakes.
GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of it features the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos. I did get a sense of chaos from the opening parts of the query.
I should mention that I've seen this query around. This version feels very strong to me. It does make me think fun and middle grade. My only comments were more on the subjective word choice side. Good luck.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear Awesome Agent
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.
Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.
A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on.
Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.
GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.
With my crazy comments:
Dear Awesome Agent (colon)
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height (a wizard's height indicates his power) is the mark of his power, (I'm not sure this comma is needed. Readers, what do you think?) and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.
Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even(I think I'd strike 'even.' Even implies he's talked it over with others.) he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from (Cut 'from' or use 'his.') prison.
A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his (an adjective like bumbling or failure) father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on. 'Leads him straight' made me think Gerald already had the amulet. Why would he need to hunt for it?
Also Vabalaz's motivation is vague. How is his dream wizard realm different from Gerald's dreams? Or simply, why would it be bad?
Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. (Not sure 'female' is needed. Unless Gerald is opposed to females like many boys his age. ... evading a female--yuck--elven assassin.) Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last. Nice setting of the stakes.
GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a Humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 77,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of it features the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos. I did get a sense of chaos from the opening parts of the query.
I should mention that I've seen this query around. This version feels very strong to me. It does make me think fun and middle grade. My only comments were more on the subjective word choice side. Good luck.
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