Fall Query Extravaganza #2
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear AGENTS NAME,
When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.
Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied.
The truth often hurts. With her life now consisting of scattered lies and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.
Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing. Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia, and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery.
In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.”
I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing. Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords.
Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)
Thank you for your time.
Regards,
With my crazy comments:
Dear AGENTS NAME, Just a nitpick because you won't leave as is, but it should be 'Agent's Name.' And isn't purple a great fall color?
When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Unless they're magic, they didn't really 'change' her identity, they illuminated/exposed the truth. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.
Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied. My Scooby sense tells me this paragraph is off, might be the change in tense, but it also seems to have a change of voice. Plus, it's vague. What issues with her mother? What sort of secret? Instead of enticing, this makes all cloudy and frustrates. The best part is the sentence that describes where the journals led her, because of the details in it. Give us more of that.
The truth often hurts. Cliche unless you give us why in this case it hurts. But the explanation tells me nothing. With her life now consisting of scattered lies why lies? What is she lying about? and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception why is it her problem to clear it all up? or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity. Again this is very vague. What truth? What man? I really know nothing about him or this love affair she finds which gives me no sense of character. I had no idea her past was upsetting to her so why would she need to make peace with it. Unless you mean her mother. But without details, I don't really have a reason to care for Marica. I'm unsure whether her ultimate goal is repairing her feelings toward her mother or her love affair. You spent a whole paragraph on the mother and now that disappears.
Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing. This certainly implies war or persecution is part of the story, but I didn't get that from the query. Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia (I got this from the second paragraph.), and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery. That might be too many genres in one sentence. Your query should show the romance and mystery.
In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.” I have doubts that pitchmadness is a credit agents would care about.
I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing. Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords. This first sentence matters to your bio. It shows you have international experience. I'd consider cutting the second and third sentence and putting the last two paragraphs together.
Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)
Thank you for your time.
Regards, Not needed as you already thanked them.
You mentioned that the sample pages are getting requests, but the query alone is not. My guess would be that the query is too vague. It doesn't pass along a sense of personality for your main character and keeps the specifics hidden. I know writers fear to give too much away in a query, but if you tell us nothing, we have no reason to care. I suspect you've gone too far toward secrecy here.
Open up about the story in the query so that it will match the excellence demonstrated by your sample pages.
Right now I'm full up with queries but contact me in November on twitter if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Dear AGENTS NAME,
When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.
Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied.
The truth often hurts. With her life now consisting of scattered lies and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity.
Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing. Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia, and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery.
In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.”
I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing. Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords.
Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)
Thank you for your time.
Regards,
With my crazy comments:
Dear AGENTS NAME, Just a nitpick because you won't leave as is, but it should be 'Agent's Name.' And isn't purple a great fall color?
When twenty-four year old Marica uncovers Russian journals hidden in her Melbourne home, she doesn't expect some stranger’s scribbling from one hundred years ago to change her identity. Unless they're magic, they didn't really 'change' her identity, they illuminated/exposed the truth. Nor does she anticipate translating them to bring her a new love.
Identity and love crises aside, she never imagined she’d resolve her issues with her mother, practically impossible if your mother is dead. Practically. Unless you discover a family-secret leading from modern-day Melbourne, to 1920’s Paris and all the way to the last Russian Tsar, a secret, that simultaneously makes everything clear and muddied. My Scooby sense tells me this paragraph is off, might be the change in tense, but it also seems to have a change of voice. Plus, it's vague. What issues with her mother? What sort of secret? Instead of enticing, this makes all cloudy and frustrates. The best part is the sentence that describes where the journals led her, because of the details in it. Give us more of that.
The truth often hurts. Cliche unless you give us why in this case it hurts. But the explanation tells me nothing. With her life now consisting of scattered lies why lies? What is she lying about? and a man she is unsure she deserves, Marica must try to make peace with four generations of deception why is it her problem to clear it all up? or risk losing her chance at love along with a little of her sanity. Again this is very vague. What truth? What man? I really know nothing about him or this love affair she finds which gives me no sense of character. I had no idea her past was upsetting to her so why would she need to make peace with it. Unless you mean her mother. But without details, I don't really have a reason to care for Marica. I'm unsure whether her ultimate goal is repairing her feelings toward her mother or her love affair. You spent a whole paragraph on the mother and now that disappears.
Dairy of Anne Frank meets Love Actually with a bit of sleuthing. This certainly implies war or persecution is part of the story, but I didn't get that from the query. Blending modern Melbourne, Art Deco Paris and Tsarist/Revolutionary Russia (I got this from the second paragraph.), and at 86,000-words, PAST SECRETS; PRESENT FUTURE is a New Adult alternative history mixed with modern romance and mystery. That might be too many genres in one sentence. Your query should show the romance and mystery.
In April 2013, I came 9th in a short story competition run by Atlantis Short Story Contest. The editor has written me a Letter of Recommendation, which I can forward on request. Recently I entered the #Pitchmadness contest (for another manuscript) and was selected in the top 60 for: “The Murder of George Wickham.” I have doubts that pitchmadness is a credit agents would care about.
I was born in Croatia, raised in Australia and have lived in France. Twelve months ago, I packed it all in as it were, to work full-time on my writing. Now I’m a slave to my conscience and three feline overlords. This first sentence matters to your bio. It shows you have international experience. I'd consider cutting the second and third sentence and putting the last two paragraphs together.
Per submission guidelines, I have included (per guidelines)
Thank you for your time.
Regards, Not needed as you already thanked them.
You mentioned that the sample pages are getting requests, but the query alone is not. My guess would be that the query is too vague. It doesn't pass along a sense of personality for your main character and keeps the specifics hidden. I know writers fear to give too much away in a query, but if you tell us nothing, we have no reason to care. I suspect you've gone too far toward secrecy here.
Open up about the story in the query so that it will match the excellence demonstrated by your sample pages.
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