How to Pass a Drug Test…The Right Way

One of the biggest site hits that I get from organic searches is ‘how to pass a drug test’. I find this ironic, because I have never actually addressed that issue. However, in the interest of helping out poor Googlers out there, who are looking for a job or ducking their probation officer, I’ve decided to help.

As an open marijuana user who has worked in a wide range of jobs that require background and drug tests, I have become an expert in one thing. Passing the urinalysis.

If you are here looking for information on how to pass a hair tests, I can’t help you. In fact, stop Googling right now and go smoke a joint instead. You might as well, because if you’ve smoked any time in the past 90 days, you are probably going to fail. There is no method that will allow you to clean drugs from a hair follicle. Bleaching won’t help. Special shampoos won’t help. Your only hope is to shave every single hair from your body.  Trust me, when you show up as smooth as an Olympic swimmer, questions will be asked.

On the upside, hair tests aren’t standard. They are extremely expensive. Same goes for blood tests. To this day, the most prevalent form of drug testing in the United States is the 10 panel urinalysis.

The 10 panel urinalysis tests for the following drugs;

cocaine
amphetamines (speed)
methamphetamines (meth)
tetrahydrocannabinol (marijuana)
methadone
opiates (opium, heroine, morphine, fentanyl, hydrocodone and oxycodone)
phencyclidine (PCP, Angel Dust)
barbiturates (downers)
benzodiazepines (benzos, downers, nerve pills, tranks)
tricyclic antidepressants

Unless you party pretty fucking hard, chances are, you don’t have to worry about all ten. For the most part, if you lay off the pills and coke 2 – 5 days before your drug test, you’ll be just fine. The biggest problem people have with passing the test isn’t coke or PCP. It’s marijuana.

First, understand that the 30 day rule is a complete fucking myth. While weed sticks around for a bit longer than other drugs, 30 days is a huge overestimation that was probably made up by a paranoid pot smoker.

Shocker.

For many people, the average time weed is detectable in their system is usually less than a couple of weeks. There are several factors to consider, like body weight, activity level, and how much you smoke. By if you weight 110 pounds, and smoked one joint three weeks ago, you can stop emailing me in a panic. You’re going to be just fine.

But what if you’re not? What if you’re a regular pot user? Well then, you’re going to need to follow the steps below.

1. Drink water until you are ready to explode…then drink more. Usually, the marijuana level is considered a failure if it reaches above 50ng/mL. Then, the test is sent off for verification and if it tests above the lower threshold of 15ng GC/MS, it is considered an absolute fail. Your goal is to pass the 50 level, so you never have to undergo the scrutiny of the higher level test. For this, all you really need is water. Lots of water. Don’t be retarded and give yourself water toxicity, but you do want to drink a ton of water before the test.

Your goal, the day before the test is to drink so much water that you pee like 10 times. The more water you drink, the less likely that water is going to spend it’s time sitting in your system and picking up pesky metabolites. When you do take the test, and you pee out a virtually drinkable glass of Evian, you’re pretty much guaranteed a pass.

2. Take Niacin. Niacin is Vitamin B. Contrary to popular belief; Niacin does nothing to ‘mask’ marijuana in your system. It’s not going to hide the drugs.

So why the fuck are you taking it then? Simple, Niacin is going to make your pee yellow again!

Drug test technicians check for dilution by noting the color of the urine, as well as the creatine level in the urine. Urine that is as clear as a beautiful spring day is getting flagged for more rigorous testing. Urine that has abnormally low levels of creatine is getting flagged for more testing. Niacin colors urine, and replaces the creatine, ensuring your urine sample doesn’t get flagged

3. More water. It’s all about dilution people. Those two days before you take your test are going to be the most important days. The more water you drink, the more your pee is diluted.

4. Take an aspirin. You probably have a headache from spending all week peeing and worrying anyway, so an aspirin won’t hurt. Aspirin is a noted blood thinner and has been shown in studies to increase the likelihood of you passing your drug test. Take it 4 to 6 hours prior to your test.

5. Never put your first pee of the day in the cup.  Wake up on the morning of your drug test and pee. Drink more water and pee again. Pick up a Gatorade on your way to the drug test and chug it.

6. Fill the cup mid stream. Pee into the toilet first and then, put the cup in during mid stream. Mid stream is where your most diluted urine is. Use it.

7. As an extra security measure, drop a pube in it. That right, yank out a public hair and drop it in there. If you pass the test, no harm, no foul. If you fail, then there is a good chance that you will get an automatic retest because a ‘foreign body’ was found in your sample.

Here’s what not to do.

Don’t be stupid and keep smoking right up until the test, depending on my tips to help you out. If you stay up all night smoking weed, then take the test, you’re going to fail.

Don’t waste money on ‘cleansers’. The majority of cleansers are nothing more than diuretics. Goldenseal, cranberry juice and other shit like that are nothing more than stuff that makes you pee a lot. They don’t have any magic properties that mask drugs in them. Some cleansers are even screened for during the test, making you more likely to get pulled for a higher scrutiny drug screen.

Don’t post sanctimonious shit in my comment section about how ‘people shouldn’t do drugs in the first place”. I’ve made my feelings on marijuana use and its legalization clear on more than one occasion. I’m not just some lazy pothead. I’m politically involved in the legislation designed to decriminalize both the recreational and medicinal use of marijuana. Your half formed opinion about how marijuana is a “gateway drug” or some other such bullshit, is usually based on biased statistics anyway. The only thing marijuana use is a gateway to is a gateway to Funions and Doritos.