Fall Query Extravaganza #Uno
I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.
Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Twenty-year-old Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago.
Armies are forbidden and war is substituted by a gruesome game called Orrek in which kings gamble kingdoms, cities, and women. But an evil king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding citizens of Chaelsey to them. The only way to save Chaelsey is to win it from evil king’s champion, Azal in Orrek.
In Orrek, sixteen sorcerers of one country fight until death with sixteen sorcerers of another one by one on command of their Champion.
While searching for his father, Eric comes across a tourney of a variant of Orrek organized by his king. Eric participates in it, wins it, and comes to the castle for more clues. There he is appointed as deputy to their treacherous champion, Redrake. In castle, Eric discovers that Azal knows about his father. But Azal is a dangerous man to reach for outsiders. Only Redrake will have a chance to talk to Azal while playing Orrek against him in scheduled match for Chaelsey. Eric finds proof against Redrake, gets him removed, and takes his place.
As a champion, Eric leads a team of fifteen sorcerers in the match for Chaelsey against Azal, but fifteen fierce monsters instead of sorcerers stand in his way. Eric cannot save his fellow sorcerers dying one by one by his own command, save his love, save himself, and keep playing while the sand is running out.
Complete at 130,000 words, WALLS OF INFINITY is a fantasy novel. Thank you for the time you took to read my query.
Best Regards
With my silly comments:
Dear Agent: (don't forget your colon.)
Twenty-year-old Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago. Interesting. Not really digging beginning and ending with twenty. If you use the term 'father' the time period is pretty established. Maybe go with: Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago.
Armies are forbidden and war is substituted by a gruesome game called Orrek in which kings gamble kingdoms, cities, and women. But an evil king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding citizens of Chaelsey to them. The only way to save Chaelsey is to win it from evil king’s champion, Azal in Orrek. Now I'm confused because this seemingly has nothing to do with Eric, nor is he or his father mentioned. It's like we ran into a different story.
Plus you've given the reader no reason that Eric would want to save Chaelsey. In other words, we have no motivation for Eric being the hero of this tale. What pushes him into the fray?
In Orrek, sixteen sorcerers of one country fight until death with sixteen sorcerers of another one by one on command of their Champion. I doubt that this detail is crucial to the story. You really need to keep the details to the very most important in your query. Save this for the synopsis.
While searching for his father, Eric comes across a tourney of a variant of Orrek organized by his king. Eric participates in it, wins it, and comes to the castle for more clues. Now I'm skeptical, because you told us nothing about Eric that shows he is an incredible warrior. So far he is more of a name on a page than a living character. You have to get us to invest in Eric by telling us a little about him. There he is appointed as deputy to their treacherous champion, Redrake. In castle, Eric discovers that Azal knows about his father. But Azal is a dangerous man to reach for outsiders. Only Redrake will have a chance to talk to Azal while playing Orrek against him in scheduled match for Chaelsey. Eric finds proof against Redrake, gets him removed, and takes his place. That's a lot of names to keep straight. Remember that the characters are all new to us. Keeping your query to as few names as possible really helps an agent make sense of what's happening.
As a champion, Eric leads a team of fifteen sorcerers in the match for Chaelsey against Azal, but fifteen fierce monsters instead of sorcerers stand in his way. Eric cannot save his fellow sorcerers dying one by one by his own command, save his love, save himself, and keep playing while the sand is running out. I'm afraid that I lack a reason to feel enticed here. I don't have a clear reason to care for Eric or a clear idea of the stakes. What does this have to do with finding Eric's father? Is Eric's goal to find his father or save his country? I believe the beginning led me to a conclusion about the plot which isn't true.
Consider this hurried example of reorganizing:
Dedicated and intent (something about his personality), Eric wanted to find his father and tear him apart for raping his mother twenty years ago. But not every goal comes easy. Years of sweat and toil training in sorcery for that task, and it turns out the only way to accomplish it is to save his country first.
The key to finding his father lies in getting close to the king's champion, Azal. By law, war and armies are forbidden, and disputes and gambling debts must be settled in a game, by proxies. So Eric works his way into the system by entering a tournament and using his sorcery skills to win. He's hired by Azal's rival champion.
Just as Eric is ready to pound his father's location from Azal's ass, he learns the king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding innocent civilians to them. Now Eric's torn between chasing the father he hates or saving the lives of thousands. He needs to blank or bad bad blank will happen. Complete at 130,000 words, WALLS OF INFINITY is a fantasy novel. Thank you for the time you took to read my query. This paragraph kind of shouts newbie. No offense. I've been there. My first manuscript actually beat your word count at 146,000. You're probably going to need to whittle that number down by 30,000. Critique partners can really help with that.
My fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at xxx,xxx words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards Go with the tried and safe Thank you for your time and consideration.
You've thrown a lot of facts at us with this query, but not really given us a reason to care about the main character. My suggestion is to work in more personality for Eric and clarify what motivates Eric, In my example, I used finding his father as the motivation for why he would be at hand to save his country.
This sounds like a fascinating plot, it just needs a little reorganizing and a little pruning of the details. I hope this helps.
Contact me on twitter if you want your query showcased. Comment on the query before and after yours. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.
As sent to me:
Twenty-year-old Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago.
Armies are forbidden and war is substituted by a gruesome game called Orrek in which kings gamble kingdoms, cities, and women. But an evil king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding citizens of Chaelsey to them. The only way to save Chaelsey is to win it from evil king’s champion, Azal in Orrek.
In Orrek, sixteen sorcerers of one country fight until death with sixteen sorcerers of another one by one on command of their Champion.
While searching for his father, Eric comes across a tourney of a variant of Orrek organized by his king. Eric participates in it, wins it, and comes to the castle for more clues. There he is appointed as deputy to their treacherous champion, Redrake. In castle, Eric discovers that Azal knows about his father. But Azal is a dangerous man to reach for outsiders. Only Redrake will have a chance to talk to Azal while playing Orrek against him in scheduled match for Chaelsey. Eric finds proof against Redrake, gets him removed, and takes his place.
As a champion, Eric leads a team of fifteen sorcerers in the match for Chaelsey against Azal, but fifteen fierce monsters instead of sorcerers stand in his way. Eric cannot save his fellow sorcerers dying one by one by his own command, save his love, save himself, and keep playing while the sand is running out.
Complete at 130,000 words, WALLS OF INFINITY is a fantasy novel. Thank you for the time you took to read my query.
Best Regards
With my silly comments:
Dear Agent: (don't forget your colon.)
Twenty-year-old Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago. Interesting. Not really digging beginning and ending with twenty. If you use the term 'father' the time period is pretty established. Maybe go with: Eric wants to find his father and cut him in half for raping his mother twenty years ago.
Armies are forbidden and war is substituted by a gruesome game called Orrek in which kings gamble kingdoms, cities, and women. But an evil king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding citizens of Chaelsey to them. The only way to save Chaelsey is to win it from evil king’s champion, Azal in Orrek. Now I'm confused because this seemingly has nothing to do with Eric, nor is he or his father mentioned. It's like we ran into a different story.
Plus you've given the reader no reason that Eric would want to save Chaelsey. In other words, we have no motivation for Eric being the hero of this tale. What pushes him into the fray?
In Orrek, sixteen sorcerers of one country fight until death with sixteen sorcerers of another one by one on command of their Champion. I doubt that this detail is crucial to the story. You really need to keep the details to the very most important in your query. Save this for the synopsis.
While searching for his father, Eric comes across a tourney of a variant of Orrek organized by his king. Eric participates in it, wins it, and comes to the castle for more clues. Now I'm skeptical, because you told us nothing about Eric that shows he is an incredible warrior. So far he is more of a name on a page than a living character. You have to get us to invest in Eric by telling us a little about him. There he is appointed as deputy to their treacherous champion, Redrake. In castle, Eric discovers that Azal knows about his father. But Azal is a dangerous man to reach for outsiders. Only Redrake will have a chance to talk to Azal while playing Orrek against him in scheduled match for Chaelsey. Eric finds proof against Redrake, gets him removed, and takes his place. That's a lot of names to keep straight. Remember that the characters are all new to us. Keeping your query to as few names as possible really helps an agent make sense of what's happening.
As a champion, Eric leads a team of fifteen sorcerers in the match for Chaelsey against Azal, but fifteen fierce monsters instead of sorcerers stand in his way. Eric cannot save his fellow sorcerers dying one by one by his own command, save his love, save himself, and keep playing while the sand is running out. I'm afraid that I lack a reason to feel enticed here. I don't have a clear reason to care for Eric or a clear idea of the stakes. What does this have to do with finding Eric's father? Is Eric's goal to find his father or save his country? I believe the beginning led me to a conclusion about the plot which isn't true.
Consider this hurried example of reorganizing:
Dedicated and intent (something about his personality), Eric wanted to find his father and tear him apart for raping his mother twenty years ago. But not every goal comes easy. Years of sweat and toil training in sorcery for that task, and it turns out the only way to accomplish it is to save his country first.
The key to finding his father lies in getting close to the king's champion, Azal. By law, war and armies are forbidden, and disputes and gambling debts must be settled in a game, by proxies. So Eric works his way into the system by entering a tournament and using his sorcery skills to win. He's hired by Azal's rival champion.
Just as Eric is ready to pound his father's location from Azal's ass, he learns the king has secretly bred an army of thousands of monsters and is feeding innocent civilians to them. Now Eric's torn between chasing the father he hates or saving the lives of thousands. He needs to blank or bad bad blank will happen. Complete at 130,000 words, WALLS OF INFINITY is a fantasy novel. Thank you for the time you took to read my query. This paragraph kind of shouts newbie. No offense. I've been there. My first manuscript actually beat your word count at 146,000. You're probably going to need to whittle that number down by 30,000. Critique partners can really help with that.
My fantasy, WALLS OF INFINITY, is complete at xxx,xxx words. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best Regards Go with the tried and safe Thank you for your time and consideration.
You've thrown a lot of facts at us with this query, but not really given us a reason to care about the main character. My suggestion is to work in more personality for Eric and clarify what motivates Eric, In my example, I used finding his father as the motivation for why he would be at hand to save his country.
This sounds like a fascinating plot, it just needs a little reorganizing and a little pruning of the details. I hope this helps.
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