One month to resurrect crazy 37
It just hit me that in a month I'll turn 38, in Albuquerque. It's hard to take stock when you feel like you are constantly treading water, floating away from stability, crawling your way back, only to have it slip away. In my worst moments, I feel like my whole life revolves around four report cards, aka, royalty statements, a year and that when I get ones that can't be anything other than a D or an F, that they define me. It's not just my books that have failed, but that I have, by moving to a town that's more expensive than Williamsburg, Brooklyn was (yes, I managed to move out of New York and, even though my rent is lower and I don't have a monthly Metrocard, overall costs are a bit higher), by saying yes to the wrong things, by not being more confident, by letting opportunities pass me by. It feels like that impossible dream of motherhood also floats farther and father away as my eggs get ancient and my income starts to vanish like disappearing ink.
There are little bursts of light on the horizon, hints that maybe things will turn around, gifts from who knows where, rewards for being in the right place at the right time, chances that keep me busy and challenge me, but even so, I can feel my hopefulness waning. I know that the way I've been going about things--basically, waiting for something magical to happen--isn't working. It's funny to think sometimes about how almost half my life ago, I was so much more brazen. I barely knew a thing about life, but I had big dreams. Now I feel almost too old for those big dreams, the ones that are the opposite of pragmatic, the ones that keep me up into the wee hours, or wake me up, knocking on my consciousness and asking me what I'm doing with my life. I am hoping that that escape to New Mexico will be a chance not just to usher in a new number tacked onto my age, but a new way of looking at things, of taking stock, of figuring out what I'm doing here from afar. I don't want my stomach to keep dropping out when I get those report cards, As or Fs. I don't want to feel so at the mercy of something I can't control. So I am trying to stay open, to realize that this may be the end of an era, but while I'm in it, I'm all in. It's also the approach of the one-year anniversary of the business of being me, RKB Enterprises, Inc., in December. It's an odd fit, me running a business, and clearly I have a lot to figure out. But I have a month, and then I have...however long G-d grants me. Maybe it's time to, as the book of the moment puts it, say goodbye to all that. I don't know what the right question is, let alone its answer. But I'm ready to find it, to be pro-active rather than reactive, to go forth and figure out not just what I want to do with my life, but what I can do with my life. So, hit me, universe. I'm ready for whatever's next.
There are little bursts of light on the horizon, hints that maybe things will turn around, gifts from who knows where, rewards for being in the right place at the right time, chances that keep me busy and challenge me, but even so, I can feel my hopefulness waning. I know that the way I've been going about things--basically, waiting for something magical to happen--isn't working. It's funny to think sometimes about how almost half my life ago, I was so much more brazen. I barely knew a thing about life, but I had big dreams. Now I feel almost too old for those big dreams, the ones that are the opposite of pragmatic, the ones that keep me up into the wee hours, or wake me up, knocking on my consciousness and asking me what I'm doing with my life. I am hoping that that escape to New Mexico will be a chance not just to usher in a new number tacked onto my age, but a new way of looking at things, of taking stock, of figuring out what I'm doing here from afar. I don't want my stomach to keep dropping out when I get those report cards, As or Fs. I don't want to feel so at the mercy of something I can't control. So I am trying to stay open, to realize that this may be the end of an era, but while I'm in it, I'm all in. It's also the approach of the one-year anniversary of the business of being me, RKB Enterprises, Inc., in December. It's an odd fit, me running a business, and clearly I have a lot to figure out. But I have a month, and then I have...however long G-d grants me. Maybe it's time to, as the book of the moment puts it, say goodbye to all that. I don't know what the right question is, let alone its answer. But I'm ready to find it, to be pro-active rather than reactive, to go forth and figure out not just what I want to do with my life, but what I can do with my life. So, hit me, universe. I'm ready for whatever's next.
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